A Fish Called Wanda Page #4

Phone operator? F-Friend.

A four-legged one? Oh!

Where's my sister?

In the b-b... Thank you.

..lavatory.

Wanda!

QUIETLY:

Anything? What? ..No!

SHOUTING:

Why are you here? I'm bored!

Bored wandering around this awful

city shoving George's ugly pict...

Talking to snotty,

stuck-up British faggots.

Jesus, they're uptight!

They get rigor mortis

in the prime of life!

Standing with their hair clenched...

..waiting for the weekend

so they can dress as ballerinas...

"The flat at four. 2B..."?

To be, or not to be...honest,

I hate them!

I mean, pretending they're

so f***ing lawyer...so f***ing

superior with those phoney accents!

You've a beautiful voice, Ken.

When it works!

Son of a b*tch!

LOUDLY:

So, want to have some lunch?

Heard from him? Who? Archie.

I have to finish my hair!

No. Nothing?

Well, I'm off.

No plans to see him?

No. ..OK, bye, Bro!

Bye, Wanda!

Sorry!

What? It wasn't theirs to sell.

An old lady gave it to them to be

engraved and someone put it in the

show case. That's their problem!

This is three times the value.

This is the nicest thing

you've given me,

and you want to replace it

with something

which is awfully vulgar! No!

WENDY! NO!

Tell them they can't have it!

You're the barrister!

Hello. Hello.

Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.

It's just BEAUTIFUL!

Oh, my God, look!

Oh, Archie, it's beautiful!

Isn't it wonderful?

Whose is it? It belongs to someone

at the chambers. Where are they?

Hong Kong. Ah, so!

Gone for weeks.

Nice rug, Archie!

May I?

Archie, what are you doing?

The polka, I think!

You make me feel FREE!

Free?

Wanda, do you have any idea

what it's like being English?

Being so correct and so stifled

by this dread

of doing the wrong thing?

Saying, "Are you married?" only to

hear, "My wife has just left me."

Or "Any children?" answered by

"They burned to death on Wednesday."

You see, we're all terrified

of embarrassment,

that's why we're so...dead. Most

of my friends are dead, you know.

We have these piles of corpses

to dinner. But you're alive.

God bless you. And I want to be.

I'm so fed up with all this...

I want to make love with you, Wanda.

I'm a good lover. At least, used to

be, back in the early 14th century.

Can we go to bed?

Yeah.

Hang on! Mind your head!

Aaagh!

I think I love you, Wanda!

Oh, Archie!

Can I ask you a question? Anything.

Where's my locket?

I couldn't get it. What?!

Wendy wouldn't give it back.

I got you this instead.

No! I have to have mine!

What's the ma...? Why?

My mother gave it to me.

On her...

..death bed!

Oh, I'm sorry. All right, darling,

I'll get it for you. You promise?

I'll think of something. Sex is

very difficult for me with someone

that I don't trust completely.

I promise I'll get it, OK?

Oh, I love you, Archie!

I've loved you ever since

the first second I saw you!

KNOCK:

What was that? What?

Your brother didn't bring you here,

did he? No.

He has no idea?

He doesn't have a clue. What?

He is so dumb. He thought

the Gettysburg Address

was where Lincoln lived!

All those terrible lies

he told about the CIA!

When he heard

your daughter's name was Portia,

he said, "Why did they name her

after a car?"

I love the way you laugh!

I love you, you're funny.

How come a girl as bright as you

has a brother who's so...

Don't call me stupid!

Jesus Christ!

Come on!

Otto!

Ouch!

I'll deal with you later!

What have you done with her?

She's all right!

Now, apologise!

What?

Apologise!

WANDA SHOUTS:
Oh, sh*t!

Are you totally deranged?

You pompous...

..stuck-up, snot-nosed, English...

..giant twerp scumbag...

..f***-face d*ckhead...

..a**hole! How very interesting.

You're a true vulgarian. You're

the vulgarian, you f***. Apologise!

Me to you?

Apologise!

I apologise. You're really sorry?

I'm really, really sorry.

You take it back? I do. I offer a

complete retraction. The imputation

was totally without basis in fact,

and was in no way fair comment.

I deeply regret any distress that

my comments may have caused you.

I hereby undertake not to repeat

any such slander in the future.

OK.

Aaagh!

BELL TOLLS...

CHOIRBOYS SING "MISERERE DOMINE"

You said you loved him!

That's right, Otto.

Here's a multiple choice question

for you. A:
Wanda was lying!

B:
Wanda was telling the truth!

Pick one! The first one?

You said you weren't seeing him!

I knew you'd f*** it up!

I'm setting up a guy

who will tell me where the loot is

and if they're going to arrest you,

and you lope in like Rambo without

a jock strap, and dangle him

out of a window! Was that smart?

Was it shrewd? Was it

good tactics or was it stupid?

Don't call me stupid.

Calling you stupid

is an insult to stupid people!

Sheep could outwit you! I've worn

dresses with higher IQs, but you're

an intellectual, aren't you, ape?

Apes don't read philosophy!

They do.

They just don't understand it!

Let me correct you on a couple of

things. Aristotle was not Belgian.

The central message of Buddhism

is not every man for himself.

And the London Underground is not

a political movement! Those are all

mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

You've just assaulted the man

who can keep you out of jail

and make you rich.

What are you going to do about it?

What would an intellectual do?

What would Plato do?

MUMBLES:
Apologise. Pardon me?

Apologise. What?

APOLOGISE! RIGHT!

I'm sorry.

No, not to me. To Archie.

And make it good or we're dead.

Oh, I'm so very, very, very...

F*** YOU!

I'm so....

I'm very, very... I'm so...

I'm very, very, very...

Very, very...

SMASHING GLASS:

THUD!

Ooh! Help!

Hello, Mr Burglar! Going somewhere?

Thought you could rob Mr Leach, eh?

Well, he's a good friend of mine!

Otto! He'll be pleased with me

when he... Otto!

..finds you tied up

and ready for the police!

And don't call me Otto.

To you, I am Mr...

Aaagh!

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was you!

How could I know it was you?

How could I guess? Stupid jerk!

I mean, what the f*** are you doing

robbing your own house, you a**hole?

You stupid, pompous, English...

Aaagh! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Er...

Er... Yeah!

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

WENDY SCREAMS:

Bloody hell!

SHE RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS

Darling!

Are you hurt?

Speak to me! Mmm. Are you hurt?

Can't you speak?

Archie, what has happened?

HE COUGHS:

We've been burgled. Oh, no!

Well, are you hurt?

I'm fine. A bit of a headache.

I came in here, somebody hit me...

Is that the time?

What?

I didn't know it was so late. What?

I'm late for a conference. You've

just been attacked! I must fly!

Archie! I'll help you tidy up later!

Hello, Portia! What's happened?

Your father has finally gone

completely mental.

Hi.

Thank you so much. Champagne? OK.

To us. To us.

I went to the house and guess who...

SMASHES GLASS:

Let's make love!

Well, if you absolutely insist.

No. What? Here.

On the rug.

I'll be right back. Get undressed.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes