A Fish Called Wanda Page #5

Why not? Why not indeed?

Afterwards... Yeah?

Let's go to South America.

What? Let's fly to South America.

Why South America?

OK, Iceland.

What do you really want

out of life, Wanda?

I don't know.

Why do I like you so much?

Archie... Hmm?

Do you speak Italian?

I am Italian!

Sono italiano in spirito.

Ho sposato una donna che

preferisce lavorare in giardino

a far l'amore passionato!

It's such an ugly language!

How about Russian?

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

THUD:

RUSSIAN CONTINUES

Archie? Yeah?

Are you rich? No, I'm afraid not.

What about the house?

That's Wendy's, she's the rich one.

Oh.

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

What the hell are you doing?

I might ask you the same!

Who are you? What?

Get your clothes on!

Please leave immediately! What?

You're in the wrong flat!

This flat belongs to Patrick

Balfour. He lent me the key. We

leased it from the agents last week.

Well, obviously

that changes things a bit.

Aren't you Archie Leach?

What? You bought our house

in Lissenden Gardens.

Hazel and Ian Johnson.

What a coincidence!

How nice to see you!

HE DIALS:

PHONE RINGS:

Hello?

'Hello, Wanda. It's Archie.

Listen...'

..I can't see you any more.

I'm sorry.

What?

'I'm sorry.'

HE HANGS UP:

Archie?

Er...

OK... Oh, no!

Please! Look, I want to apologise.

I just finished it, all right?

Wait! I want to speak with you.

Leave me alone!

Wait! I just want to say I'm sorry!

It's all over, OK?

Jesus Christ! Will you calm down?

Help!

Please don't beat me up again.

Listen! I've had a terrible day!

Will you shut up?! Don't kill me!

Shut up then!

OK, look...

I just want to apologise...

ARCHIE WHIMPERS:

..for dangling you out the window.

It wasn't a nice thing to do.

And when I attacked you in there...

I didn't know you were robbing your

own house. I was trying to help!

Yes, thanks, Otto.

I wanted you to trust me.

Yes, it was my fault. That's true.

About my sister. She's a very

sexy girl. I understand you

wanting to play around with her.

Otto... It's OK. I was wrong.

I was jealous.

Go ahead. Pork away, pal.

F*** her blue.

I like you, Archie.

I just want to help.

Oh, God!

Killed her!

I did it!

Did it! Nothing!

Unbe-f***ing-lievable!

Thomason!

Yeah?

Yes.

You done well, my son!

Now, here's the plan.

Get four tickets for this evening

for Rio. First class.

F-F...?

Yeah, four. We'll get rid

of Otto later.

Back to the flat, pack, collect me

and then to the hotel for the jewels.

Unbe-f***ing-lievable!

Oi! Oi!

I can't believe it!

He's safe!

PHONE RINGS:

I'll be late for court!

H-Hello? Hello, Otto.

No, she just, er, left.

Oh, Otto...

..you owe me a p-p...

What?

You owe me a pound!

Not Granny!

M-Met with an accident!

Bullshit! You're lying!

Dead?

Heart attack.

I don't believe this.

G-George will be out this afternoon.

We go to Heathrow, get the loot,

and...VROOM!

All thanks...to...

..me!

The loot's at the airport, is it?

W-What's h-happening?

Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you

questions while I eat my chips.

First, who is the philosopher

who developed the concept of the

superman in Also Sprach Zarathustra?

No? A chip up the nose, I'm afraid!

Friedrich Nietzsche! Next!

In which book did Nietzsche claim

that almost all higher culture

is based on cruelty?

Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?

You're m-mad!

Beyond Good And Evil!

I'll have to ask you an easy one.

OK... Um...

Let me think.

Where are the diamonds?

I'll give you a clue.

Somewhere around the airport!

I'm n-n... No hassle.

There's plenty of time, Ken.

I'll just sit here and eat my chips

till you tell me.

The English contribution

to world cuisine - the chip!

What do the English

usually eat with chips

to make them more interesting?

Wait a moment!

It's fish, isn't it?

Down the hatch!

Oh!

Delicious!

You b-b...

..Better eat the green one? OK.

What's his name?

Not Wanda, anyway.

I'll call her Lunch.

Hello, Lunch!

Ugh! Avoid the green ones!

They're not ripe yet!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

You were in court, Inspector, when

the forensic evidence was read. Yes.

Mr Thomason was installing windows.

That accounts for the particles

of glass on his trousers.

No hurry, Inspector -

please do take your time.

I'm almost full.

Almost! Stop!

Please...don't!

Come on, Wanda! Gullet time!

Which hotels are near the airport?

The Airway Sheraton? The Post

House? The Cathcart Towers?

The Cathcart Towers? Yes?

Mmm?

Yes! In a safe deposit box?

Yes!

Where's the key?

In t-the t-tank.

Where?

In the ch-ch... In the chest?

Where?

Where?

You...

..m-murdering...!

I'll k-kill...

..I'll kill you!

Sorry, Ken, but your answer

was incorrect.

You really did think

it was in there, didn't you?

What?

Oh!

Hello? I know where the diamonds

are. Where? Where's the key?

I've got it. How soon can you get

to George's apartment?

Are you Wanda Gershwitz

of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road,

London W9? Yes.

How do you know the defendant?

We've had a relationship

for two years.

"Relationship?"

We're lovers, Your Lord.

Miss Gershwitz, on 4 March of this

year in the morning, where were you?

I was at the apartment

at Murray Road.

Were you alone or with someone

else? Someone else was there.

Who was that? My brother.

Did your...

Your brother?

My brother.

Yes.

Yes...

And are you quite sure

it was your brother?

Miss Gershwitz would recognise her

brother. She's had a relationship

with him all her life.

Much obliged, My Lord.

Was there anyone else present that

morning? Yes, George was there.

He left about five to seven. Wanda!

I WONDER... I wonder...?

I wonder...

Yes, Mr Leach?

I Wendy... I wonder...

W-When...

When you say five to seven,

Miss, er, Gershwitz,

how can you be so sure?

I looked at the clock and I thought

where can he be going at 6.55

with that sawn-off shotgun?

Darling!

Mr Leach...

"Darling"? Yes, dear?

B*tch! You f***ing b*tch!

WANDA SCREAMS:

JUDGE:
Restrain that man!

Restrain this man!

I'm adjourning this case

for an hour!

Clear the court!

Clear the court!

Clear the court!

Clear the court! Clear the court!

Bloody hell!

It's my husband, he's been hit!

A bit of a knock, I'm afraid.

I have never been

so humiliated in my life!

You can stick this marriage right

in your bottom! See you in court!

Yes.

Well...

..that's it then.

George. What?

We've got to talk.

You tell those pigs to f*** off!

F*** off, pigs!

Did you hear what I said?

F***...off!

What's she up to, George?

What are you up to?

You called her darling!

And Wanda!

I was helping her get her evidence

straight. You been coaching her?

What do you think?

They'll find you guilty.

Tell them where the loot is and you

may get eight years, out in five.

What if I tell them

about Otto and Wanda?

They both did it? Yeah. Great!

Maybe six years, out in four?

So where are the diamonds?

Where's Bartlett? He's trying to

calm things down. Where are they?

Tell Bart that Ken knows

where they are.

George, it would be a lot quicker

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