A Haunted House Page #5

Out.

Oh, okay!

So you're just gonna

leave me here alone?

Malcolm!

Malcolm!

Okay, I'm coming,

I'm coming, I'm coming!

What, what, what, what?

Look at this!

Oh, wow. What the...

Oh, Daddy!

Malcolm!

Oh, sh*t.

What kind of monster

would do this?

Uh, uh, baby,

you were right.

Listen, there is

an evil spirit

in this house.

I believe you.

I was so dumb.

Oh, sh*t. I feel it.

Oh, my God.

It's right there.

You feel that?

Feel it, feel it, feel it.

- It's cold, right?

- Oh, my God!

Baby, we have to

get rid of this menace

once and for all.

Ooh! The tape!

We can watch the tape.

Wait, no! No, no, no.

Don't watch the tape.

Don't watch the tape.

What?

Because it's just me

and you against him.

You evil spirit!

You leave this house alone!

Now!

You hear me?

You get out!

Get out, demon.

Get out!

Get out, get out, get out!

See, I believe you.

No.

I need you to shut up

once and for all.

Let's watch the tape.

I am shutting up! God!

Mm-hmm.

Hi, Daddy.

You want to come in here

and move in on my house? H?

You like

haunting people, huh?

I ain't scared of you.

Uh, baby? Um...

F*** you, and f*** your daddy!

This is disturbing.

You don't want to see it.

I will break your arm.

You wanna watch TV?

Wow!

Oh. Oh, my.

See, that hurt. Lookee.

I got a boo-boo,

baby, right...

I don't care.

On my father's ashes!

Really?

You think you the sh*t?

I'll show you the sh*t.

Nasty! That is so nasty.

I will...

So, what did you do,

wipe your ass

with the curtains?

Baby, you didn't like

the curtains anyway.

You're an animal.

We'll get new curtains.

It's just curtains.

I'd be an animal

if I didn't wipe at all.

Baby!

This isn't gonna

prove any...

Yes, it is!

I swear that I

will listen to Kisha

whenever she says

strange things are going on

in the house.

And?

And...

And I swear that I won't

antagonize the ghost anymore.

Even though I didn't

bring him in the house.

And?

And I swear that

Kisha is the prettiest

and the sexiest

girl for never.

And?

And I promise I won't sh*t

in your daddy's ashes.

Louder!

I promise I won't sh*t

on Kisha's daddy's ashes

ever again.

Happy?

Yes.

Can I have my

video game back now?

No!

See, man?

Why are you putting

powder on the floor?

See, the powder

is gonna let me see

his footprints.

And you think

this is gonna work.

It did on Scooby-Doo.

Malcolm, did you

hear that?

Mm-hmm.

Then why are you

pretending to be asleep?

'Cause I know if I'm up,

where them

scary-ass noises

are coming from.

Get your black ass up.

See, man?

Kisha.

Camera.

Get the camera.

Get the camera.

Whose plan was

stupid now, Kisha? Hmm?

Pass me a bat.

A bat?

You're gonna use

a bat on a ghost?

I'm sorry. I left my

proton pack in the car.

Pass me the bat.

This ghost's got

some ugly-ass feet.

Looks more like an alien.

I don't wanna do it.

I don't wanna do it.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

What?

Malcolm!

No, this... No.

This ain't what we do.

This is for white people.

Will you grow some balls!

This is for white people.

This ain't what n*ggers do.

We don't investigate.

We run. We run, we live.

If we was in a movie theater,

some black woman be screaming,

"Don't do it!

Don't do it, boy!

"He behind there.

He in there."

If we know he's in there,

why the f*** are

we going in there?

Come on, baby.

I don't want to do it.

Stop it.

What if it bites me?

It's not a zombie.

It's a ghost.

You wanna play?

That's right!

You hurt my mother.

You killed my mother.

That's right!

That's not helping.

It's not helping none.

You got this. Go.

You want some of this?

This is how we...

Get him!

Bust your...

Whoop that ghost's ass!

Turn on the lights!

Oh, my God! Rosa?

Rosa? Rosa! Rosa!

Si, senor! Que pasa?

Oh, my... I'm so sorry.

I thought you...

I... I didn't know.

I thought you was a ghost.

- Ghost?

- Or an alien.

I was talking

about your feet, not your

citizenship or lack thereof.

I quit.

See? Give me the camera!

Go fix this.

No! I'm not fixing nothing!

Oh, can't believe

Rosa quit.

Yeah, well, you know,

this is stressful

on all of us.

I think I might have

a little something

to help alleviate

some of that stress.

Take it. You hit it.

Yeah?

Now you gonna go spit

up the end and sh*t.

Hold it, hold it.

Damn!

Yay! Bravo.

Encore, encore.

I see a face in the chip.

It's got a mustache.

You're not moving...

Never get high.

...fast enough, Malcolm.

Never get high

with people that don't

know how to get high.

I'm baked.

Oh, sh*t.

Los Angeles County, 911.

My dick!

He fell for it!

No, I don't want to.

Okay. Okay, I'll do it.

Yeah! That's a shotgun

for your ass.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Is he gone?

Oh, he's gone.

Wow!

That's that Criss Angel

sh*t right there.

Yo, that ghost good.

That ghost good.

That ghost good.

That ghost good.

Oh, my God.

What?

That was awesome!

Disgusting!

Malcolm, wake up.

Mmm?

You peed the bed.

What?

You peed the bed.

Oh, sh*t! Oh!

Oh, that's...

That's not funny.

Oh, that's f***ed up.

That's real f***ed up.

Hey, Steve,

thanks a lot for bringing

the Ouija board over, man.

I really appreciate that.

Oh, no worries, bro.

- Hopefully...

- Hey, baby.

Oh, hey, Kisha,

the dinner was

so amazing.

The chicken was

unbelievably tender

and real juicy.

Oh, well, actually,

that was all Malcolm.

Was it now?

I'll be damned.

Well, thanks for

letting me nibble on the leg

because I love dark meat.

Mmm. Well, that is true.

She eats it up.

- I bet she does.

- She eats it all up.

Yeah.

You guys are

gonna love this wine.

It is a very robust red.

Yum.

Well, you know

what they say.

"The blacker the berry,

the sweeter the juice."

Mm-hmm.

Okay, y'all need to

cut this out.

Well, you know what?

Normally, we don't

have to chase this hard.

Mm-hmm.

Steve...

Hmm?

I was talking about

that stupid board.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Baby, I just want to

communicate with it.

Are you a ghost

or a demon?

Who's doing that?

Malcolm.

Who's doing that?

I don't know.

It's not me.

I swear to God.

"G."

You guys.

"O."

Steve, are you

pushing this?

I'm not doing anything.

Oh, what? "S."

Go where...

"T."

A "gost?"

What the hell

is a "gost"?

Oh, maybe he's

trying to spell "ghost."

Are you trying

to spell "ghost"?

You're doing that?

No. I'm not

moving it, I swear.

"Yes."

Wait. So, he just

spelled "ghost" "gost."

What kind of illiterate,

b*tch-ass ghost is this?

Please. Can you please

use "gost" in a sentence?

Yeah, right.

Up yours,

you stupid "gost."

He probably dyslexic, too.

He probably

spells "boo," O-O-B.

Ooh!

Oh.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa!

Somebody's sensitive.

And stupid.

You know what?

I think we'll probably just

show ourselves out.

Good morning, honey.

Good morning.

Mmm.

Hey.

Mmm.

Well, all right.

Baby, that is

the best night's sleep

I've had since I moved in.

Well, maybe because you made

me sleep in the other room.

What are you

talking about?

We had

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