A Haunted House Page #6

a breakthrough last night.

A breakthrough? Really?

Yes, Malcolm.

The way that you touched me,

caressed me, made love to me.

What are you

talking about?

Malcolm,

we had sex last night!

No, we didn't.

Yes, we did.

For about two hours!

Uh, that definitely

wasn't me.

Well, who else

could it have been?

No, get off of me!

Oh, my God.

Mmm.

Mmm, Malcolm.

What?

Ooh, that's new.

Oh.

Are you doing the alphabet?

Uh-uh, n*gger,

clean your plate.

Come on.

Slob it down, slob it down.

Waterboarding your ass.

Mm, Malcolm.

Did you grow?

Ride the pony! Ride it. Oh!

Oh! Get it! Get it! Get it!

Oh, I've had it.

Oh, yeah! Dip it!

Dip it down!

Why don't I finish up...

I can't watch anymore.

I just can't watch anymore.

I'll finish.

Uh-uh, you ain't done yet.

I had no idea

you was a squirter.

Neither did I?

Hey.

Don't touch me.

You seriously

have an attitude

with me right now?

You liked it.

What?

You heard me.

You liked it.

You like having

sex with that thing

more than you like

having sex with me.

Malcolm, I was asleep.

Mm-hmm.

Talk to the hand.

I was...

That's the hand.

Talk to it.

I was asleep, okay?

I didn't know I was

having sex with a ghost.

Aha!

You just admitted

to having sex with a ghost!

And you liked it!

"Oh, Malcolm, you grew."

What happened, Kisha?

I'm not adequate

enough for you?

Huh? I'm sorry.

I tried Extense, Kisha.

Went through

the whole program.

I did Cialis,

Viagra and Maca.

Okay.

All it did was

get me dizzy,

you know...

Okay, stop it, all right?

That is not fair!

I was anally bleeding

for a month,

and you didn't even know.

Listen, that is not fair,

because I'm the one

who was violated,

not you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Must have been

a horrific experience

for you.

I'm sorry.

Eh, could have been worse.

Hey, cuz... Ray-Ray.

You got a beef

up in here?

Lots of n*ggers.

Not beef. Hey...

Hey, what the f*** is

you taping for, Kisha?

We thugs.

We can't be on no TV!

Shut up, Ray-Ray.

Get the f*** off me.

Okay. Sorry.

So, what's going on

with this beef, homey?

It's that old b*tch

next door,

ain't it, homey?

Yeah, she was

eyeballing me, cuz,

when I was all up

in her windowsill

last night.

But she got a nice body,

though, cuz.

You know, like a sexy-ass

baked potato, homey.

It's not like that.

What the f*** is it like,

then, homey?

Well, someone's coming

between me and Kisha.

Somebody f***ed

your girl, cuz?

Well, not...

I be the one that

f***ed your girl!

Oh, please.

How you let somebody

f*** your girl

before me, cuz?

We family, n*gger!

I... I'm sorry... Kinda.

How the f*** do you "kinda"

bang Kisha, homey?

Did he have

one pant leg in,

one pant leg out?

Like,

he wasn't even interested

in f***ing her, homey?

Like, he had somewhere

better to be, homey?

Okay, Ray-Ray,

that is not what it's like.

And can you

please tell your Negro

to back the hell up off me?

Hey! Pelvis back

But stay up

on her, though.

What the f*** is

it like then, Kisha? Hmm?

If you listen,

I'll tell you.

You tell me!

I can't wait to get

my hands on this fool.

- Come on out, cuz!

Ray-Ray, cut it out.

You're gonna make it mad.

I don't give a f***, Kisha!

He should be worried about

making Ray-Ray mad

up in here, b*tch!

Who you

callin' a b*tch?

Show yourself!

No, Ray, don't do that!

Don't...

What the f*** is that?

A ghost, Ray.

A "ghost" ghost?

A "ghost" ghost.

Yes! Ray-Ray,

that's what

we've been trying

to tell you

for 15 minutes!

You idiot.

What the...

What in the hell...

What happened to

your furniture, cuz?

Get your hands up, cuz!

You're trying to

get me killed, cuz.

I didn't, Ray-Ray! Ray!

God!

My stuff!

Babe, you got to admit,

it's kind of impressive.

Perfume? Hey!

Yeah, it's new.

It's called Entity.

I like it.

What's the occasion?

What's up?

Malcolm, is it a crime

to want to sleep

with no panties on?

I get it. This...

This ain't for me.

This is for him.

Who are you

talking about?

You know exactly

who I'm talking about.

For your little

supernatural lover.

Malcolm,

you're being ridiculous,

and I'm gonna

say this right now.

Insecurity is

not attractive.

Yeah? Well,

being a paranormal

jump-off

is not attractive

either, hon.

Good night.

You're taking this

too far.

Whatever.

I have no interest

in a ghost.

You gonna try

and contact him?

Good night!

I was gonna...

Good night!

Get off of me!

Baby.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

What's...

What's up with the donut?

Oh, uh, I just got a little

hemorrhoid, that's all.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hurts.

So, anything happen

eventful last night?

No, nothing eventful.

Just, you know, the usual.

Just, like, you know,

door slams, stuff like that.

Oh. I wanna see.

Nope, nope.

Nothing for you

to see, baby.

Wait! Baby!

Hey!

Can you... So rude!

Stop! Stop!

Hey! Malcolm!

Would you...

Cut it...

Just gotta do...

Oh, my!

You know what?

You...

You got altar-boyed.

You know what?

You can't...

Malcolm, hold on a second.

No, no, no, no, no!

You just uploaded it!

No, no, no!

Oh, no!

You're gonna be bigger than

Charlie Bit My Finger.

Say hello

to the camera.

Get the camera out my face.

I'm not in the mood. Stop it!

Now that you've been

touched by an angel,

suddenly you're camera shy?

Let me ask you

a question, Kisha.

Is this the first

ghost you slept with?

Or it's the first one

I caught you with?

You wanna go there?

Yeah, I wanna go there.

When did you

become ghost p*ssy?

Maybe I wouldn't need a ghost

if I was with a real man!

There are Super Bowl ads

that last longer than you do!

People wait all year

for those

Super Bowl ads, baby.

All year!

And maybe it's 'cause

every time I see you naked,

all I can think about is

you sitting on the toilet,

I'm sorry, Kisha.

Some things just

shouldn't be shared.

I let my guard down and...

Oh, you let

your guard down.

...you're gonna

throw it back in my face?

You killed my dog!

You have not let this go!

Yeah, let's go there.

I did not kill your dog!

You dog murderer.

That was my baby,

and you killed it

on purpose!

Oh, your baby was

Shh.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, come on.

Let's go outside.

Okay. Okay.

Come on.

Okay. Go!

Okay.

Well, you heard the psychic,

all right?

It feeds off of

negative energy.

All of your arguing

is making it stronger.

My arguing?

My arguing?

You're the one that...

That's right.

We have to

stop fighting.

I can't.

You are getting

on my nerves.

Well, just pretend.

Good thing we

switched to plastic.

We'll have to get

that pot rack looked at.

Mm-hmm.

Tea's ready.

Mmm.

I'm gonna make

a run to Starbucks.

Can you pick me

up a latte?

You got it!

Malcolm!

Yeah! I kicked you

in your ghost balls!

I got some for you...

Malcolm!

Wake up!

N*gger, open your eyes!

Take off those

damn headphones!

Malcolm!

Malcolm!

Malcolm!

Yeah, listen.

Something's wrong

with Kisha.

No, no, she's been

cleaning all morning.

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