A Haunted House Page #7

Dude, Kisha don't clean.

That's good, baby.

Not the couch, honey!

Not the couch.

Not the couch.

Yes, the floor.

Yeah, good girl, good girl.

Yo, man, earlier,

I caught her masturbating

with a crucifix.

Kisha?

Wouldn't you rather

use this?

Okay.

Exactly. I'm...

Uh, dude, I gotta go.

No, she's

walking the dog.

What's wrong with that?

The dog is dead.

I gotta go.

Uh, Kisha?

Kisha. Oh, boy. Kisha!

Kisha? Baby?

Listen,

I just wanted to apologize

for the way I been acting.

and I don't want anything

to come between us.

And what the hell is that

Twilightshit on your neck?

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

What the hell?

Oh, yeah.

She is definitely on the rag.

Oh, Father.

Thank God you could make it.

N*gger, call me "Doug."

I don't like being

called "Father." No way.

Plus, I got a couple issues

with a few people out there

claiming false child support.

I mean,

just 'cause the little

n*gger got my eyes,

my nose, my extremely rare

AB-negative blood type,

don't mean I'm

the damn daddy.

Plus, I'm still in training.

At the seminary?

No, the penitentiary.

What?

Sh*t, n*gger,

I've been

incarcerated 15 years.

Oh.

But you learn a lot out there

reading on the yard.

You shank a n*gger,

come in,

read the scripture.

Shank a motherf***er,

read the scripture.

You gonna let

a n*gger in or what?

Damn.

Standing out here, n*gger.

It's cold as hell.

Ooh.

Uh, bro, I'm gonna have

to level with you.

This b*tch don't look right.

I mean, she look all

ashy and sh*t, and just...

You know, like E.T.

with a weave.

If I was you,

I'd just be out.

Let's just go.

Come on. Let's go.

Uh, I...

I can't leave her.

That's my girl.

Are you kidding me?

Come on, man.

There's so much

p*ssy in the world, man.

You don't have to

be with just her.

Come to the congregation.

I've got a few in

the congregation,

I'm trying to tell you.

Check this out.

Now, I know she look old.

I know she...

But she a freak,

and she got skills.

Can we go in there

and just save her?

Yo! Yo, dawg,

you yelling at me

right now?

I know you just

didn't scream on me, dawg.

I'm here to

exorcise your b*tch, man.

So you wanna

go in the room.

All the way in?

Look at her hair.

Her hair's all crazy.

You think I'm scared

right now, but I'm not.

I didn't think

you was scared.

No, I'm just

a little concerned

that I don't have

the right stuff.

Do you have,

like, a loaded gun?

I'll shank this b*tch

for you.

It's cold as

a motherf***er in here, man.

Y'all ain't got no heat?

How you doing,

crazy b*tch?

Kisha.

Kisha, I'm Father Doug.

I'm here to

un-possess you.

Wait a minute.

She's moving.

This is some

crazy-ass sh*t, man.

Who are you?

I wasn't

expecting her to talk.

I'm Father Doug.

Connect the cut.

Connect the cut.

Connect the cut.

Connect the cut.

Connect the cut.

Oh, oh, that's some of that

Busta Rhymes sh*t

she doin' right there.

She's on that Bus A Bus.

It's kinda more

like Twista, though.

It's real fast.

Do you know how to

connect the cuts?

Uh, uh, uh.

Tic-tac-toe in your face!

Straight X's,

straight across, diagonal.

I almost had your

ass the other way.

Tic-tac-toe on your arm,

connect the cuts.

That's what she was saying,

"Connect the cuts."

I wanna show you something.

"Suck it." That's gangsta!

That's gangsta.

You wanna see mine?

Check this out.

I did a little something

a while back.

I did that in prison.

Yeah, you know,

it hurt. But, you know,

you gotta go through it.

You gotta earn it.

Everybody went crazy.

They was like,

"No, you didn't!

You so hard, dawg!"

I had control of

that TV for a month.

Would you like to

see my paintings?

Sure. Of course.

You know, I consider myself

a bit of an art aficionado.

I think it's going well.

It's going good.

Mm-hmm.

If, uh...

Well, you know, if I can be

perfectly honest with you,

it's your

technique that's sloppy.

But that's, you know,

to be expected from someone

that's possessed.

Hmm?

Ah!

Damn, that made

my breath stink.

Man, that breath is kickin'!

I can only imagine

what the kitty smell like.

Pure evil.

Goddamn.

I'm Dan "the Man" Kearney

and today on Ghost Guys

we're investigating

paranormal activity

at the Johnson residence

in suburban Los Angeles.

This is going be

very unsettling.

Not like those other

fake ghost hunter shows.

This stuff is real.

And I don't mean like,

"I saw my dead nana" scary,

but scary like,

"I left a bag of meth

in the glove box

"and I'm getting

pulled up by the cops

"and I got a hot pipe

under the seat."

That kind of scary.

Let's go inside.

All right,

on behalf of Ghost Guys,

the greatest ghost-hunter

show on the Internet

or cable access,

I'd like to thank you

for having us.

You've made a good choice.

You're welcome.

Thank you very

much for coming.

Malcolm, Malcolm,

I'm not sure about this.

I mean, this guy, sure.

But Sling Blade there,

don't trust him.

You said you needed

ghost hunters right?

I also said I

needed a psychic.

Chip, hey, what's up?

What's going on?

What are you doing here?

I'm a psychic,

I sensed you

needed my help.

I do.

There's a new person.

Yeah, that's Bob.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, there's something

different about you.

Something new.

I can't quite put

my finger in you.

On you. On it.

Haircut.

Someone's got a secret.

No, I don't. Come on.

Hey, guys.

Gentlemen,

what we have here

is a crazy b*tch.

Now, I would leave

her possessed ass

in the alley downtown

if it was me,

but apparently,

Malcolm's got

a thing for the freak.

Holy sh*t.

So, what you're saying is,

there's an actual

demon here in the house?

It's in the b*tch.

I'm sorry, "ho."

No disrespect.

"B*tch" is fine.

"B*tch" is fine.

All right,

this is what I'm getting.

The entity does not want

to leave this house,

okay?

It's struggling

to stay inside.

And Malcolm,

I need to know.

How far are you gonna go

to get this demon out?

I'll do anything.

I don't see how

this is gonna help anything.

This just got weird.

What is this

supposed to do?

Um... Nothing.

I was just trying to see

how far you would go.

What did I tell you?

I think she looks fine.

Clearly does not

look fine.

She looks f***ed up.

I'm gonna need my Bible.

You're gonna bless her?

Well, yeah,

I blessed this joint.

Mm-hmm.

Right out of

the First Chronicles.

I haven't done many exorcisms,

but I don't think

that's appropriate.

I get it, I get it.

I can fix that,

though, right now.

I got a little something.

What's going on?

That's a demon party.

Yeah, look out.

What is this, 1985?

'Cause I feel like

we could exorcise

any demons in the area.

What? I'll take on

a whole team of demons.

What we should do is

get all the demons

in one room

and get rid of them

all at once.

Do a collective

demon-gathering.

We just walk up

to people's doors,

"How you doing?

How you doing?"

"We heard y'all got

demons up in there.

What's up?"

I used to braid hair.

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