A Haunted House 2 Page #5

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I stopped counting after

the blowj*b party...

at Ashley's house.

There must've been

30 or 40 guys there."

She ain't got no bone in her neck.

She got that Plastic Man.

"PS:
Diary, I'll never

stop sucking d*cks. Ever!"

Would you look there?

A mood ring. So, what mood is that?

It's called:
"You're

not my father".

Yeah, that's bitchy

lil' white teenager.

See, that'll get you slapped

in most black neighborhoods.

Are you okay?

Becky?

That is some serious meat-mouth

you got goin' on there.

It's easier going down than it

is coming up. Yeah, it's weird.

Breath smell like sirloin.

I hope that hole

cold ain't contagious.

Professor, it's kinda loud there.

Did I catch you at a bad time?

Endicott? I'm a sativa man.

I got important sh*t to do!

Hold on! I'm at a party.

I need some of my medicine.

Professor! How do I

get rid of the demon?

Professor! Professor!

Malcolm, that demon's tryin'

to get to you through...

your family and

he's not gonna stop!

You've got the

paranormal equivalent...

of a perfect storm, my friend!

Oh sh*t! The po-po!

Professor, please! What's goin' on?

I got 12 ounces of crystal

meth jammed up my anus.

I gotta get outta here!

- Police!

- Oh, f***!

Professor! Professor, please!

- Hands up now!

- I can't go back in!

Professor! How do I

get rid of the demon?

You're under arrest! You

on the screen, freeze!

Hey, knothead!

Oh no, not my favorite

shirt. That b*tch.

What the...?

Oh, my God! Are you

f***ing kidding me?

No, no, no! Not my clothes! No!

Oh, sh*t! This crazy wooden b*tch!

She's burning my clothes!

Oh, my God! Oh, it's

"Fatal Attraction".

She's gonna boil a rabbit!

She's gonna boil a rabbit!

- Can I get you somethin' to drink?

- Sure, man.

- Tequila?

- Really, bro?

What, you bring the

Mexican into your house and:

"He must want tequila, we

should give him tequila."

"I'm glad he parked his burro

so now I can offer him...

some of his beverage."

I bet you this sh*t

has a worm in it.

Should've walked in here with

a serape and a sombrero...

for you too, huh? That's what

you wanted really, wasn't it?

You get me all worked up, man!

Look, I could use a drink now.

What kind of tequila

is it? Is it silver?

'Cause I can't drink that

gold sh*t. That's for cholos.

- Thank you, man.

- We're becomin' friends, right?

Now we are.

- I could trust you with things.

- I mean, I can keep a secret, man.

I'm good at that sh*t.

The neighbors next door

to me don't even know...

there's a black

guy living here yet.

So, what do you wanna talk about?

Okay, you know the people that

lived in this house before me?

Was there anything

strange goin' on...

like were they actin'

weird or anything?

You saw somethin' a little...

- spooky, or supernatural...?

- I seen some sh*t.

Come on, man, you don't

believe in that, do you?

'Cause if you did, you

know, you'd have been like...

"N*gger, I'm out!

Not gonna do this."

You mean to tell me you don't

believe in the paranormal?

'Course I believe in that

sh*t! I'm half Mexican, bro!

I believe in all that sh*t

people don't believe in.

Freakin' La Llorona, El Cucui,

Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Obamacare.

Interracial dating. Nuclear war.

You name it, I'm all for it.

Me personally, I wouldn't

stay one night in this house.

Oh, sh*t!

Look, I'm gonna be

honest with you, bro.

When I first found out that

there was a black guy...

movin' in the neighborhood...

I was like... there goes

the property value...

I'm gonna have to

keep the kids inside...

there's gonna be gangs...

I'm gonna have to cover graffiti,

but you turned out to be okay.

You're really cool!

You're very accommodating.

I think I can help you.

Really.

I need you to cut

the chicken's neck.

Oh, hell f***in' no!

You wanna get rid

of the demon or not?

I know, but can't we just

go down to the store...

- ...and just like, buy a chicken?

- No, man!

You need a blood sacrifice.

Right. Come here. Let's do it.

Hold on! Hold up, wait a second!

Let me get my sh*t together.

You gonna sh*t in my

baby's cereal, chicken?

You wanna piss on my

momma? In her face?

I'll f*** your thing!

Where did you get this

chicken? Your uncle's farm?

No! A cock fighting ring.

You so dead, motherfucka.

Whassup, chicken,

you scared? Whassup?

You don't want none

of this, motherf***er!

Bite him back,

Malcolm! Bite him back!

Drown, b*tch!

I'll kill your ass!

Watch what I do to

your f***in' baby!

What you doin', man? What'd you do?

This pollo is loco!

You got him, Malcolm! That's right!

Yeah, you f***ed that chicken.

You gotta go to that

great bucket in the sky!

Tell the Colonel I said hi!

Sh*t!

That was like an intense-ass

game of Angry Birds, man!

F***, bro, you did it! I

think this house is clean!

Well, maybe not clean, but

the demon's gone for sure.

What the hell are we gonna do

with all this chicken, Malcolm?

Oh, yeah, ask the black guy.

Cheers. Right on!

What in the f***!

You! This is nuts!

You hear me, you googly-eyed

b*tch wanton b*tch! Come on!

You're making me

bury your f***in' ass!

Get in there!

Die there, b*tch!

B-I-T...

F***in' b*tch!

You want some of this?

All right, prepare

to meet your maker!

That's right, I'm sending

you back to Taiwan!

You smell like piss and sh*t!

Come on! You make me sick!

You know what brown can

do for me? Take this!

You sign! Get the f*** outta here!

See, I tried to do it the easy way.

Now you're gonna make me violent.

Come on, you f***! Shut up!

How you like that, b*tch?

I want you to watch.

Let's see you writing now!

Miss me? This is fun.

We about to have a

barbecue. Get in there.

Yeah! Hey, how you doin'?

You gonna f***in' burn today, baby!

That's what f***ing

hell feels like!

You f***in', f***in' doll!

I don't want you!

Just die, you little...

I'll f***in' cut your

goddamn eye out, you b*tch!

Malcolm!

- Don't say nothing.

- What did you do to our room?

Honey, it's not what

it looks like, okay?

- Really?

- Listen, listen to me.

This one, she's crazy!

It's not me, she's crazy!

- You're crazy. You're crazy.

- No, honey!

- It's not what it looks like!

- Yeah, right.

I'm not done wit' you,

you f***in' home-wrecker!

God!

See, nobody will

listen to the black guy!

So everybody dead! I see

how you lookin' at me.

Let me tell you somethin':

This house is haunted.

You know that little doll

that you like so much? Abigail?

Let me tell you

somethin' about Abigail.

She's alive!

That's right, she's alive!

Not like alive, alive, but

alive as in "is possessed."

You know how I know?

'Cause it made me have

sex with it! Repeatedly!

Upstairs, downstairs, in

the kitchen, in the yard!

While you were sleepin' next to us!

Right there where

you're sitting, twice!

And that's why, when you came

upstairs and you caught me...

and I was killing the doll,

because I was just like...

"You're f***in' up

my relationship!"

And that box? It's cursed!

That box and that box.

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