A Haunted House 2 Page #6

---

That's haunted with a demon.

That box, cursed with dudes.

But that's a whole 'nother story.

And your son, his little

imaginary friend...

that teaches him curse words

and gets him crunk on vodka!

Yeah, yeah, I'm blowing

your spot, little man.

- Well, he's not so imaginary!

- He's cray!

No, no, no. You

cray! You cray-cray!

You and your whole lot

of other ethnic words...

that's goin' out of style.

You ain't funky fresh or dope.

So, how 'bout that, cray-cray?

Mom, he's scaring me.

Is that the nigga

whose room exploded?

I'm scarin' you! Opie,

you somethin' else!

You know what, that's it.

I've had enough of this

whole haunted house craziness!

It's bad enough that

you think it's real...

but now you're scaring the kids!

- I'm scaring the kids!

- Yes!

Ain't that the pot

callin' the kettle a nigga!

No, no, no, baby!

Your kids are scaring me! Okay?

Look at this one!

She's Marilyn Manson in the skin...

and Charlie Manson in the eyes!

Her eyes are crazy, okay?

That's a crazy woman

carryin' around a box...

like f***in' Lionel

on the Peanuts...

and he's hangin' out with

dead niggas and I'm crazy?

So, what am I supposed

to do with all this?

Maybe you weren't ready!

Maybe we moved in too soon.

Maybe you're not

ready for a family!

But we come as a

package deal, okay?

This ain't about you or them, okay?

Bullshit.

No! Hey! Don't touch that sh*t!

Don't touch it!

There's a demon ring.

Don't you answer that, you hear?

That's the devil

callin' right there.

That is an evil

ring! You hear that?

Yeah, I said it, a demon ring!

And you can insta tweet

that on your gram-o-vine!

Nobody touch it!

Stop ringing!

Stop ringing! Stop!

- That's a demon callin'.

- Malcolm? Your pocket.

We gotta change my ringer.

Why do we even have

home phones anymore?

I mean...

Yeah? Who is it?

What the hell?

Hey, how you doin',

officer? What's goin' on?

We got a call about

a domestic dispute.

Are you Malcolm Johnson?

Yeah, that's me, but

there's no dispute.

I mean, the phone, but...

- You're under arrest.

- For what?

- Oh, my God!

- Just raised the voice a little bit!

How could I call?

My phone is broken!

I know what... It's

the doll! It's the doll!

It was the doll, brother, listen!

There's this doll, I was

f***in' this doll, right?

- He's on PCP.

- No, I'm not on PCP!

You f***in' b*tch!

You f***in' b*tch!

You f***in' b*tch!

Malcolm, maybe this

is for the best.

Canister of gas for death.

Now you burn... fire.

What is...

Malcolm?

Malcolm?

Damn, son, you look f***ed up!

Don't look at me. Don't look at me!

Mom, your man's in here

pukin' like a little b*tch!

See that sh*t, Tony?

Sometimes the victim

may be tormented...

by more than one demon.

These cases lead to transference.

Trans who? What the

f*** is that, dog?

- Father Williams! Mind your tongue.

- You are a man of the cloth!

Damn man, ain't like I'm

rapin' mu'f***ers no more...

you know what I'm sayin'?

Sh*t. Keep on wit' your

little lesson, brother.

Victims have also been known

to break their own bones...

- ...during the possession.

- True. That happened to me.

I was first in prison, I was

tryin' to give myself head, right?

'Cause I ain't know nobody.

If I woulda knew somebody,

I wouldn't have had...

to do it to myself. And

it wasn't no, no gay sh*t.

- First get that out your head.

- That's enough!

I've had enough of your insolence!

My what? My insolence?

Dog, you gonna bring up

my condition right now?

You gonna bring up

my diabetes, dog!

Talkin' 'bout my insolence.

'Cause I like cake?

Yeah, I like cake, guys.

I like cake, birthday

cake, all kinds of cake.

Now come on, cake, cake, cake!

Man, you know what?

I'm sick o' yo' sh*t!

Get outta here!

Everybody break out.

Get your boy wit' you.

Yeah. I mean really, man.

Wooh. Malcolm?

Hey, Father Williams!

F***, nigga, what'd I tell

you about callin' me that?

- I'm sorry. Hey, Doug!

- Roll down, man!

I'm sorry you caught that, man.

I'm so stressed out, man.

I had to shank a mo'fu.

You saw that, right?

- I didn't see nothin'.

- That's a good answer.

That's a good answer.

If you saw it, if you

woulda said yes, I woulda...

That's all right, I

don't have nothin'.

That's the only one I had.

I used to have two shanks,

but I don't keep that anymore.

I stopped doin' two shanks...

'cause it just was a thang,

and ever'body was like:

"Two shanks."

Yeah, so... how you doin'?

I... I need your help.

- It's happenin', Doug.

- Hell no!

I'm not comin' over there

and f***in' with you...

and your creepy lil' b*tch again!

I ain't even with

that b*tch no more!

I'm beggin' you, man,

I just need your help.

I just don't know

who else to go to.

Let me explain to you

why I became a priest.

Now, obvious one is

for the little boys.

Yes.

- What're you talkin' about?

- It's a joke, Malcolm!

No, it was a joke.

No, it was a joke.

I did that, you know,

put it on the priests...

and we laugh, that's all.

But I don't know if I can help

you wit' your demon situation...

because I haven't

been stayin' steady...

on my demon fightin' skills,

is what I'm tryin' to tell you.

Malcolm, day after day...

when you know you can't win...

you're just prolonging

the inevitable!

All you gotta do is let them in.

Are you talkin' about the Devil?

Worse. The Kardashians.

Yeah, it's the crazy mama, it's

Kim, Khloe, Courtney crazy...

the two little ones...

they gonna be freaks. They

got Lamar, they got Scott...

Rob Fat the motherf***er,

Bruce with the acne.

Rob Fat the motherf***er,

Bruce with the acne.

What the f*** is wrong

with Bruce Jenner face?

He look like a monster!

He scares me at night!

And he on in daytime.

He don't look like the nigga

that was on the Wheatie box!

- And Kanye! And Kanye!

- And Julianne Hough!

- And Kanye! And Kanye!

- And Julianne Hough!

I love it and I hate it.

They took Kanye and

they changed him.

Doug, you know...

You have to let go of me, Doug.

- You can't...

- Doug, you gotta let go of me!

There's no place you can

hide. He has a plan for you.

There's no place you can

hide. He has a plan for you.

- Doug, get offa me.

- He will get you!

Doug, get your hands offa me!

What the f*** is wrong wit' you?

Oh, you're the one that got

us out here in the hot heat!

Making me bang all on the

windows with my good church hat!

Hon, I could be at home

watchin' that new Madea movie!

What's the name of

that Madea movie...

with the little girl

from The Fresh Prince?

You know the one, she

played the head of NASA.

You know the one, she

played the head of NASA.

With the aliens!

- "Madea Goes To Mars"!

- "Madea Goes To Mars," that's it!

Hold on, ain't you that

brother that just moved...

into old Burton place?

- Yeah, it's just...

- With a white woman!

Well, she's not all the way white.

Well, she's not all the way white.

She's a white woman

damn near clear!

Come on now, it's 2013.

Interracial relationships

Rate this script:2.0 / 3 votes