A Haunted House 2 Page #6
That's haunted with a demon.
That box, cursed with dudes.
But that's a whole 'nother story.
And your son, his little
imaginary friend...
and gets him crunk on vodka!
Yeah, yeah, I'm blowing
your spot, little man.
- Well, he's not so imaginary!
- He's cray!
No, no, no. You
cray! You cray-cray!
You and your whole lot
of other ethnic words...
that's goin' out of style.
You ain't funky fresh or dope.
So, how 'bout that, cray-cray?
Mom, he's scaring me.
Is that the nigga
whose room exploded?
I'm scarin' you! Opie,
you somethin' else!
You know what, that's it.
I've had enough of this
whole haunted house craziness!
It's bad enough that
you think it's real...
but now you're scaring the kids!
- I'm scaring the kids!
- Yes!
Ain't that the pot
callin' the kettle a nigga!
No, no, no, baby!
Your kids are scaring me! Okay?
Look at this one!
She's Marilyn Manson in the skin...
and Charlie Manson in the eyes!
Her eyes are crazy, okay?
That's a crazy woman
carryin' around a box...
like f***in' Lionel
on the Peanuts...
and he's hangin' out with
dead niggas and I'm crazy?
So, what am I supposed
to do with all this?
Maybe you weren't ready!
Maybe we moved in too soon.
Maybe you're not
ready for a family!
But we come as a
package deal, okay?
This ain't about you or them, okay?
Bullshit.
No! Hey! Don't touch that sh*t!
Don't touch it!
There's a demon ring.
Don't you answer that, you hear?
That's the devil
callin' right there.
That is an evil
ring! You hear that?
Yeah, I said it, a demon ring!
And you can insta tweet
that on your gram-o-vine!
Nobody touch it!
Stop ringing!
Stop ringing! Stop!
- That's a demon callin'.
- Malcolm? Your pocket.
We gotta change my ringer.
Why do we even have
home phones anymore?
I mean...
Yeah? Who is it?
What the hell?
Hey, how you doin',
officer? What's goin' on?
We got a call about
a domestic dispute.
Are you Malcolm Johnson?
Yeah, that's me, but
there's no dispute.
I mean, the phone, but...
- You're under arrest.
- For what?
- Oh, my God!
- Just raised the voice a little bit!
How could I call?
My phone is broken!
I know what... It's
the doll! It's the doll!
It was the doll, brother, listen!
There's this doll, I was
f***in' this doll, right?
- He's on PCP.
- No, I'm not on PCP!
You f***in' b*tch!
You f***in' b*tch!
You f***in' b*tch!
Malcolm, maybe this
is for the best.
Canister of gas for death.
Now you burn... fire.
What is...
Malcolm?
Malcolm?
Damn, son, you look f***ed up!
Don't look at me. Don't look at me!
Mom, your man's in here
pukin' like a little b*tch!
See that sh*t, Tony?
Sometimes the victim
may be tormented...
by more than one demon.
These cases lead to transference.
Trans who? What the
f*** is that, dog?
- Father Williams! Mind your tongue.
- You are a man of the cloth!
Damn man, ain't like I'm
rapin' mu'f***ers no more...
you know what I'm sayin'?
Sh*t. Keep on wit' your
little lesson, brother.
Victims have also been known
to break their own bones...
- ...during the possession.
- True. That happened to me.
I was first in prison, I was
tryin' to give myself head, right?
'Cause I ain't know nobody.
If I woulda knew somebody,
I wouldn't have had...
to do it to myself. And
it wasn't no, no gay sh*t.
- First get that out your head.
- That's enough!
I've had enough of your insolence!
My what? My insolence?
Dog, you gonna bring up
my condition right now?
You gonna bring up
my diabetes, dog!
Talkin' 'bout my insolence.
'Cause I like cake?
Yeah, I like cake, guys.
I like cake, birthday
cake, all kinds of cake.
Now come on, cake, cake, cake!
Man, you know what?
I'm sick o' yo' sh*t!
Get outta here!
Everybody break out.
Get your boy wit' you.
Yeah. I mean really, man.
Wooh. Malcolm?
Hey, Father Williams!
F***, nigga, what'd I tell
you about callin' me that?
- I'm sorry. Hey, Doug!
- Roll down, man!
I'm sorry you caught that, man.
I'm so stressed out, man.
I had to shank a mo'fu.
You saw that, right?
- I didn't see nothin'.
- That's a good answer.
That's a good answer.
If you saw it, if you
woulda said yes, I woulda...
That's all right, I
don't have nothin'.
That's the only one I had.
I used to have two shanks,
but I don't keep that anymore.
I stopped doin' two shanks...
'cause it just was a thang,
and ever'body was like:
"Two shanks."
Yeah, so... how you doin'?
I... I need your help.
- It's happenin', Doug.
- Hell no!
I'm not comin' over there
and f***in' with you...
and your creepy lil' b*tch again!
I ain't even with
that b*tch no more!
I'm beggin' you, man,
I just need your help.
I just don't know
who else to go to.
Let me explain to you
why I became a priest.
Now, obvious one is
for the little boys.
Yes.
- What're you talkin' about?
- It's a joke, Malcolm!
No, it was a joke.
No, it was a joke.
I did that, you know,
put it on the priests...
and we laugh, that's all.
But I don't know if I can help
you wit' your demon situation...
because I haven't
been stayin' steady...
on my demon fightin' skills,
is what I'm tryin' to tell you.
Malcolm, day after day...
when you know you can't win...
you're just prolonging
the inevitable!
All you gotta do is let them in.
Are you talkin' about the Devil?
Worse. The Kardashians.
Yeah, it's the crazy mama, it's
Kim, Khloe, Courtney crazy...
the two little ones...
they gonna be freaks. They
got Lamar, they got Scott...
Rob Fat the motherf***er,
Bruce with the acne.
Rob Fat the motherf***er,
Bruce with the acne.
What the f*** is wrong
with Bruce Jenner face?
He look like a monster!
He scares me at night!
And he on in daytime.
He don't look like the nigga
that was on the Wheatie box!
- And Kanye! And Kanye!
- And Julianne Hough!
- And Kanye! And Kanye!
- And Julianne Hough!
I love it and I hate it.
They took Kanye and
they changed him.
Doug, you know...
You have to let go of me, Doug.
- You can't...
- Doug, you gotta let go of me!
There's no place you can
hide. He has a plan for you.
There's no place you can
hide. He has a plan for you.
- Doug, get offa me.
- He will get you!
Doug, get your hands offa me!
What the f*** is wrong wit' you?
Oh, you're the one that got
us out here in the hot heat!
Making me bang all on the
windows with my good church hat!
Hon, I could be at home
watchin' that new Madea movie!
What's the name of
that Madea movie...
with the little girl
from The Fresh Prince?
You know the one, she
played the head of NASA.
You know the one, she
played the head of NASA.
With the aliens!
- "Madea Goes To Mars"!
- "Madea Goes To Mars," that's it!
Hold on, ain't you that
brother that just moved...
into old Burton place?
- Yeah, it's just...
- With a white woman!
Well, she's not all the way white.
Well, she's not all the way white.
She's a white woman
damn near clear!
Come on now, it's 2013.
Interracial relationships
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"A Haunted House 2" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_haunted_house_2_1926>.
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