A Haunted House 2 Page #8

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Tony!

Tony, where are you?

Smells like that OG Kush.

Mom!

Becky!

- Cool!

- Wyatt, get upstairs!

- Cool!

- Wyatt, get upstairs!

F*** you, you b*tch!

Why are you tying

my baby to a chair?

Because the b*tch

got a demon in her!

Make it stop!

This is some scary

Cucui sh*t right here.

I don't know who Cucui is.

I don't know who Cucui is.

A Cucui is a ghetto

Mexican bogeyman.

- Like George Lopez.

- I know, huh?

I agree, it is scary as f***.

This spirit is more

powerful than I thought.

We're gonna need to get a priest

to perform a real exorcism.

We're gonna need to get a priest

to perform a real exorcism.

I know a guy! He's a

little unconventional.

I don't know, Malcolm.

I know, that b*tch

don't look right.

Why you gotta call her a b*tch?

You disrespectin' he little ho.

Nigga, did you just sell me out?

Nigga, did you just sell me out?

There's certain words

that trigger white folk.

I mean, b*tch, ho, slut.

No offense.

You can't say those words.

That's like our ni...

What the hell are

you talking about?

F*** him.

- We would never say that.

- Only behind closed doors.

I mean, I wouldn't say it in a

bus or at the Atlanta Airport...

or in a parking lot of a KFC,

but, yeah, I would say it.

I got your back.

This is a lovely

scarf you're wearing.

It's a sash, you

know what I'm sayin'?

I'm selling these. This a

part of my new clothin' line...

"Jesus Pieces", and I got like

the shoe that the Popee wearin'...

in leather, suede, in green,

brown, and the Pope hats!

- You know what, that's enough.

- Thank you so much.

That's right.

Can we help my daughter please?

Hell, she went really

white girl on me.

"Oh, my God!" I was like, whoa!

- Speaking of white...

- Are you doin' cocaine again?

Cocaine? No, man,

this stuffs molly!

Can I try?

It's all good, it's all good.

I'm gonna take a

little pinch for later.

He's just bringing his drugs?

- It's molly.

- Wrap it up!

Hey, chill. Calm down, man.

Y'alls have some crazy

ass motherfuckers.

Y'all thought I was

gonna shoot this b*tch?

I'm just gonna pistol

whip her until she weakens.

You're not pistol

whipping my daughter!

I am not pistol

whipping my daughter.

The man's a genius.

In the name of the Father

and the Holy Ghost...

I need three other white people.

Peyton Manning! Kristen Stewart.

Paula Dean!

Malcolm, where's Doug?

I can't find his

black ass in this dark!

- Where the hell is he?

- Look for eyes!

Like a forest

creature in a cartoon.

Father Doug!

He's over here! He's over here!

Doug, no! Nigga, please don't.

Father, please don't!

No, wait!

It's better if he points the

gun at himself and not at us.

- Just talk to him, Malcolm.

- Listen to my voice, okay, Doug?

This is not what niggas

do! We don't do suicide!

Murder, yes! Suicide?

That's what they do.

Yeah, we do that. I've

tried at least 20 times.

Motherf***er got me acting

all crazy, actin' the fool!

You know damn well I

wouldn't peel my own cap!

I can't stop it! I can't stop it!

There's somethin' in my head that's

tellin' me to blow off my head.

Is it this head? Is it this head?

No, no, no! Yeah, up there!

Evenin' break. Who wants a mojito?

Oh, the black guy still got a gun.

Oh, God! This demon is

a son of a b*tch, man!

Father, why have you abandoned me?

Is it 'cause I cuss a

lot, even during prayer?

Amen, motherf***er sour dough.

Is it because...

I don't get Ryan

Seacrest? I don't get him.

I know what it is...

'cause I dressed up as

a foreclosure sign...

when people was getting

kicked out they house.

On Halloween I just stood there.

I know it was wrong,

but it was funny to me.

Out all of the people

on the Brady Bunch...

it was Alice that I wanted to f***.

In the station wagon, on top

of Mr. Brady architect desk.

Just used it for

protractors and rulers.

Is because I actually kinda

thought that it was okay...

that Chris Brown hit Rihanna?

I know that b*tch hit him

first! She talk too much sh*t!

Sh*t, Island Girl,

whatcha doin' to Chris?

Why you goin' hoodies

bitchin' on my Chris?

Shut the f*** up, b*tch!

- Somebody help me.

- Doug! Fight it, Doug!

No! Nigga, that's a bigass

gun! That's gonna hurt, nigga.

Malcolm, he has a message for you.

He says... "Huh, b*tch?"

We're gonna need another priest!

It's too late. I have

to perform the exorcism.

It's true.

Although Ned's only formal

training was a "Ghostbusters"...

summer camp back in 1988.

Never cross a stream.

Never cross them.

And he is dumb! I

mean, dumb, dumb, dumb!

The point is, you can do this!

Do you remember what you said

to me on our wedding night?

"I have whiskey dick and I'll

make it up to you in the morning."

No! You said God brought

us together for a reason.

Doesn't sound like me.

- Must've been really drunk.

- Just f***ing do it, dummy!

- Becky!

- Did it work?

- I'm sorry for everything!

- I think you did it!

- Oh, f*** that!

- Oh, my God!

Time to die!

- It was him! It was him!

- Don't be like that!

It actually was him.

- Got him in the knee.

- That looked like it hurt, jeez.

- That's what you call a blowj*b.

- A leaf blower?

- Don't judge me.

- Malcolm!

Demon, you leave

our daughter alone!

That's not your daughter anymore!

I didn't mean like

a daughter daughter...

Seriously? Malcolm, help her!

- Okay. Goddamnit!

- Go get 'em, buddy.

- Wyatt, are you okay?

- Yeah, but Becky...

she looks pretty f***ed up.

Demon, I'll make you a deal.

How about, you leave,

and we'll pretend...

- ...none of this ever happened.

- The b*tch is mine!

You heard the man, the

b*tch is his. I tried.

Seriously?

She said the b*tch is his.

That's pretty emphatic.

Malcolm, please help

me. I'm so sorry.

Becky will rot in hell!

Okay, which one is it?

Rot in hell or you

want me to help you?

- Malcolm, help her!

- The b*tch is confusing me!

Demon, you leave her alone!

You take me instead!

Deal.

Wait, no, no, no.

Here, take him instead!

I haven't heard a demon

scream for a while.

I think it's safe

to go back up there.

- I still have a bad feeling.

- For God's sake, come on, guys!

- Come on!

- All right.

Oh, my God! Wyatt,

get upstairs right now!

They're cuddling! The demon's gone!

I did it! This house is clean!

Look at his eyes!

They're rolling to

the back of his head!

I think he's possessed.

That's the face he makes

when he has an orgasm.

- I think he's okay, you guys.

- This is not over.

- Are you guys watching this?

- Yes, we're watching it, dummy!

I'm so intrigued by this.

Oh, man! He's all twisted

up like a chocolate pretzel!

Such exibility and dexterity!

This is making me queasy!

- He could suck his own dick.

- Somebody please help me!

If I could do that...

I don't think I'd

ever talk to you again.

Stop it, you unholy demon!

- That is greasy sh*t!

- Probably Murray's.

The power of Christ compels you!

It burn like bum piss!

That means it's working!

Pour the whole thing, like

I just won the Super Bowl!

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