A Hole in the Head Page #3

"Call me up," he says, "Tony".

Disneyland.

Why didn't I think about that before?

That's his kind of an idea.

He'll love the idea.

Well, why don't you ask Mr Marks to lend

you the money instead of Uncle Mario?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Let me give you

a few pointers about the world.

The first thing

you gotta learn is to put up a big front.

Now take me for instance. I jump

in my Cadillac, I drive down to see him.

I say "Hello, Jerry." He says "Hello, Tony."

He says "What's doing?"

"I got a big hotel." Big shot.

I say "I got a proposition for you."

He says "Tell me."

Now suppose I go down there,

I sell the Cadillac, and I go by jitney bus.

I walk in and say "Jerry."

He says "What's doing, Tony?"

"I'm being evicted. Lend me some

money." "Scram, bum, who needs you?"

The same person,

the same nothing in my pocket,

except that if I put up a front,

he listens to me.

If I don't put up a front, out.

You remember that.

Well, Pop,

where are we gonna get the money then?

Why don't you get off my...

- Victor Mature.

- What?

The guy in the picture.

The caveman. He lived in a cave.

- Boy.

- It was a beautiful picture.

Didn't I have this shirt on before?

You trick me into wearing dirty shirts.

- Will you tell me something?

- Sure, what?

The first lightweight champion

to hold three crowns.

- For $1 million?

- For $1 million.

- Greta Garbo.

- (Ally laughs)

Nobody's ever gonna take you

away from me. Never, never, never.

Let's go for a drive. The speedometer's

all nines and it's ready to go to zero.

What are we gonna do? Leave the boy

in that place till he gets sick, maybe dies?

What's he got, bellyache?

Such a big tragedy!

Are you disappointed

he hasn't got a hernia?

If anything happens to that child, you

know who I'll hold responsible? You.

All right, today he's got a stomachache,

tomorrow appendicitis.

Pa, look. I got it.

Genius.

I'll bring him here.

I'll love taking care of a little boy again.

You out of your mind? "I'm gonna

walk out." Who'll watch the store?

- The store won't run away. Julius is here.

- Julius?

Very nice. You talk about him

like he's an l-don't-know-what.

In the house he's my son.

In the store he's a tumour.

We're going down there.

We'll take an airplane.

Will you stop that?

Look, I never was in an airplane.

- Hi.

- Hey!

- You gorgeous or are you gorgeous?

- I am gorgeous.

I'll be with you in a minute,

soon as I finish my exercises.

Baby, I'm not going to be able

to see you tonight.

Thanks a lump.

Now's a fine time to tell me.

A wire from my brother.

I have to meet him at the airport.

- Fine, introduce me. I won't bite him.

- Don't be funny, will you?

Doesn't he think you're old enough

to go out with girls?

He thinks any girl who's 21

and unmarried is no good.

He'll love me.

I was married when I was fifteen.

No, I'm not kidding. This is serious.

He's the marines coming to bail me out.

I don't want to make him mad.

What am I, some Frankenstein,

I'm gonna scare him off?

You know, you're making me very mad.

No, look, I mean it.

- Are you ashamed to be seen with me?

- Pop!

I've been here a month, I haven't met your

kid yet. Now your very square brother.

Understand, it's only a couple of days

until I get my hands on some money.

I'm not ashamed of the way I live

and if you are, goodbye, Charlie.

I gotta go now, but later on when my

brother's gone to bed, I'll give you a buzz.

- What did you do that for?

- Guess why.

- Pop, it's late!

- I'll see you later.

Don't hold your breath, Charles.

You rat.

- What are you hollering?

- It takes half an hour to get to the airport.

Stop nagging me. What a nag.

Garden of Eden.

- Hello, Mrs Wexler.

- Good evening.

- Pop.

- Leave me alone for two minutes.

Don't you think it's funny Uncle Mario gets

on an airplane and comes down here?

Look, have you had your supper?

Look what time it is - half past ten.

I'm supposed to be practically dying

with stomach trouble.

- I'm gonna have to flatten you.

- OK, I'm going.

- You got that big room?

- For the man with the moolah?

No cracks, now. He doesn't laugh easily.

I'm going out to the airport.

- What's the matter with you?

- I'm checking out.

Are you trying to drain

the blood out of me? Get in the car.

- Will you please leave me alone?

- You're a kook.

- I'm a kook? You're a fine one to talk.

- Let's take a ride.

- I don't wanna take a ride.

- Get in the car.

Why do you needle me?

Is that your hobby?

Nobody's turning me into a kiwi bird.

I'm a wild bird.

- So?

- Free, with no tomorrow.

I go where the kicks are, and when

the kicks stop coming, I take off.

- Suppose I clip your wings?

- Ha!

Ha!

What a kook. Free as a bird, wild.

No tomorrow.

You know you're a kook like a cuckoo?

I thought you had to meet

Brother Sourpuss.

Don't remind me.

Well, have laughs.

You can catch me on the ninth wave.

My brother. What a character.

He'd like me to live in a cave someplace

like a monk.

His idea of a big night is sitting around

the kitchen playing penny ante.

You should've known my husband.

The same way. They're all alike.

All they do is sit around

in a deep, dark hole someplace.

You talk about fun

and they yell bloody murder.

- That's him. That's my brother.

- That's all of them.

Hey!

What do you say we leave the stinking

fun killers behind and go shoosh?

- We got the car.

- Shirl...

Honey, you want me, don't you?

That's what bothers me.

Look, I want to ask you a question.

Would you like to marry me?

Marriage?

I thought that word was poison to you.

Just answer the question.

What are you, a gypsy?

Every two minutes you change your mind.

- Now you want to get married?

- Who, me? No.

There are two kinds of women.

And I'm the other kind.

Then what's the problem?

We don't want to get married.

The problem is this.

I'm a wild bird and you're a kiwi.

And one of us has got to change

or goodbye, Charlie.

- I'm a what?

- A kiwi.

Haven't you ever seen one?

Stupid things.

They want to fly, but they just sit around

all day long, flapping their wings.

- That's what I am?

- Oh, you talk big. Very, very big.

Big deal, big man. Let's get in the big car,

let's go off through the woods.

But inside, not you. Not you, landlord.

You want to be respectable.

There's a little fun-killer in you.

For a crazy minute I say to myself,

I'll be respectable if that's what he wants.

Cos I have to admit it,

I like it there in your back pocket.

But I'm not gonna do it.

I just got started.

Do you think I want to settle down

with a 12-year-old kid?

Why do you think I left my husband?

Him and his family kept bugging me

day after day, "Have a baby, have a baby."

Who needs a baby? I'm a baby myself.

I want to be free.

- Have fun.

- Who don't?

- You don't. You're not selfish enough.

- I'm the most selfish man in the world.

Would you leave your kid?

Boy, I sure would like to pick up

and take off. You and me. Any place.

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