A Hole in the Head Page #5

- What are you gonna do?

This hotel you can forget about.

- Can you hammer a nail, plant a seed?

- Oh, wait a minute...

If you'd watch your business

instead of tramps...

- Tramps?

- Bum. Did you meet us?

Will you stop it, both of you?

Sit down, Mario.

The point is this, Tony.

You don't wanna go back

to driving a cab.

All you can be is a salesman again.

Again?

Once he was a salesman for two weeks.

- Three weeks.

- Three weeks. Big career.

And who's gonna look after the boy?

Who's gonna cook his meals,

wash his clothes, see he don't get sick?

You want him to grow up

to be a bum like you?

- Bum?

- Yes, bum.

- Don't call me a bum.

- You know it.

A bum who never made

a living in his life.

He's not a bum!

He's my pop and he's a champ!

- Don't let him call you that, Pop.

- You think I like calling him a bum?

Go, Ally. Go. They're just brothers.

I mean it, Mario, sit down.

Will you never learn?

- Sit down, Tony.

- I'm sitting.

If you'd get married, if you'd get a decent

home for Ally and get on your feet,

nobody'd be happier than us.

- Am I right, Mario?

- Bum.

I'd like that. I'd like nothing better.

I'd marry tomorrow

if I could find the right woman.

- You mean that, Tony?

- Of course I mean it, Sophie.

Mario, if he got married again,

would you start him in a store

like the rest of the family?

He won't get married.

- Lf?

- Lf...

- Maybe.

- Then you would?

Maybe. But just a living, that's all.

No big deals in Florida.

You got to understand that, Tony.

You know your trouble? I'll tell you.

You're not satisfied

to just get along like everybody else.

You want to be a millionaire.

You want to live on Easy Street.

I'll tell you who lives on Easy Street.

Nobody.

You want to make a million overnight.

It don't happen.

I worked hard all my life,

14 hours a day and I made a good living.

I never took a vacation in my whole life.

I'm proud of it.

Is that so? You think

I worry about what you say?

Let me tell you something.

How do you know how I operate?

Take Jerry Marks.

Everybody said he'd be a bum.

He's a big man. Why?

Lmagination. I got imagination.

- You got no imagination.

- You have?

I haven't got it?

You got it and you're poor.

No, no.

Broke many times, but never poor.

- You would never understand that.

- All right. You're both great, but sit down.

I've never seen a man

could get me so mad.

Everybody sit down again,

another act is coming on.

Do you know anybody, Tony?

- What?

- Mario?

Can you think

of anybody he could marry?

If you'll settle down,

with a nice little store,

and you find a nice little woman

and live in a nice little town and...

Don't you think that's all I think

about every minute of the day, every day?

So help me, I should drop dead right here.

If he'd dropped dead

all the times he's supposed to,

I'd go into the cemetery business.

You know who'd be perfect, Mario?

Mrs Rogers.

Who?

Her husband died a couple of years ago

and left her quite a few dollars.

- Believe me, she'd be perfect for you.

- Say, you know what?

What's the matter

with Louie Bendi's second cousin?

- Why do you say that?

- She's a nice, quiet little woman.

- She's old enough to be his mother.

- She's a nice little woman.

Every time I mention a woman's name,

you bring up Louie Bendi's second cousin.

Don't you know any other women?

Well, she's a nice, quiet, little woman.

Believe me, Tony,

Mrs Rogers would be perfect for you.

We used to go to their house.

You could eat a meal right off the floor.

Sophie, I don't like to eat

my meals off the floor.

All right, if you want Mrs Rogers...

Are you two crazy? You're picking out a

wife like it's a slave market or someplace.

She's living right here in Miami and I'm

supposed to call her up and say hello.

- Please, Sophie.

- What's it gonna cost you to meet her?

- He won't get married.

- You call her up, you take her out.

- It won't hurt you.

- He wants a young girl. A tramp.

- What tramp?

- Bum! Did you meet us at the airport?

All I ask you to do, Tony, is think about it.

If you want to meet the woman,

I'll call her up. What harm's it gonna do?

- Sophie, let's you and me run off.

- Oh, Tony, stop it. I'm serious.

- Will you think about it?

- I promise I'll think about it.

Now come on, I'll show you to your room.

Come on.

Come on, tiger.

Bum.

Fred, give me the key

to the Presidential Suite.

- I just want you to be happy, that's all.

- All right.

Now what are you crying about?

- Good night, Ally.

- She cries.

Ally, I want you to know, both of us,

we'd like very much for you

to come and live with us.

Well, your Aunt Sophie,

even at hockey games she cries.

You're a good boy, Ally.

Bum.

Ally?

What are you doing out here?

Here, blow.

Oh, come on, Ally.

Listen, I'm not an old man yet.

I'm pretty young.

It's not bad for me to go out with a girl.

Do you want me to go with Uncle Mario?

Oh, what are you talking so crazy?

So I kissed a girl.

What's that got to do

with me and you, with us?

If you do, just tell me, that's all.

I tell you one thing - they're right, you're

a skinny kid. I keep telling you to eat.

No. Fried salami and hot dogs.

What kind of food is that to serve a kid?

I'm not a kid.

I wish you'd stop calling me a kid.

- No, you're an old man with a long beard.

- A kid is a goat.

Goat, tomorrow morning we'll buy

one of those fancy refrigerators

with the two-colour jobs

we saw on television that night?

They're wild things.

Press a button and get ice cubes.

- Boy!

- No kidding.

We'll have milk in it. Tell me

how to take care of my kid? I'll show 'em.

You really get me.

We'll have vegetables and we'll have three

meals a day in our own room over there.

- Who's gonna cook?

- Hey, nag.

Stop nagging me. Who's gonna cook?

We'll get a hot plate.

Buy some frozen foods, they dump 'em in

the water, three minutes, you got a meal.

Any dumb slob can cook today.

We'll have vegetables.

- What kind of vegetables you like?

- Spinach?

What do I need you for spinach? Name me

something fancy, like broccoli or zucchini.

Pop, don't make me go with them.

I don't want to go with them.

You've had some luck, Ally. Lucky Ally.

You must have been hiding behind a pole

the afternoon they gave away the daddies.

I don't know, lately...

You know, I could be walking right past

a solid block of gold and if I touch it,

spaghetti right on my hand.

I could get a job someplace.

I believe you could.

I got an idea. I think I'll go over and tell

them I'm ready to meet that woman.

- What woman?

- The one they want to marry me off to.

Marry a woman you don't even know?

Who said marry her? Meet her.

If she turns out to be a dog, final.

At least I met her.

They'll stop calling me a bum.

- What if she turns out to be nice?

- Wonderful. I'll make a deal with you.

If I don't like her and you like her, you

marry her and you can take care of me.

- Pop, you got a hole in the head.

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