A Hole in the Head Page #7

are you making such a big production?

You said that if you liked her

and if I liked her...

I did say that. But you keep acting

like Monroe is going to come in the door.

Let me tell you something...

What's so great about Marilyn Monroe?

You're always talking about Marilyn

Monroe. What's so great about her?

Ask me the same question in five or six

years, I'll tell you what's great about her.

Oh, that. I know.

- You know what?

- Well, you know.

Listen, I think you know too much.

You're still a little kid, you know.

I'll tell you when to know.

- What is that jazz you got on your head?

- Don't you like it?

- It's terrible. Wash your hair.

- Pop, it's not that bad.

It's pretty bad. Go in and wash your hair.

Thanks, Pop. And be nice to the lady.

Lady!

I always say that...

Yoo-hoo, Mrs Rogers!

I was thinking you couldn't make it.

- (car horns)

- (Mario) Please!

Sophie. Sophie. Sophie...

Mario, look who's here.

- I hope she's got insurance.

- Yes, hello.

- She's here. Our paycheck.

- Well, glory be!

Hey, chief. She's here.

Some of them have television sets. He

doesn't allow any cooking in the rooms.

He's very strict about that.

It's very nice. So is he.

Tony?

Guess who's here.

- Oh, for goodness sake. Here, take this.

- What'll I do with it?

- Put it someplace.

- Tony? Ally?

You take a look at her

and let me know how you like her.

Well, come on. Go on.

Hi.

Come on in, honey, I want you

to meet Mrs Rogers. My nephew Ally.

That's his son.

- How do you do, Ally?

- How do you do?

- Well, what are we standing for?

- Yes, let's sit down.

Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

- Don't sit in that chair. You'll never get up.

- (laughs)

- Here's a nice chair.

- You like this chair?

- This will be fine, thank you.

- Good.

- Somebody interested in science here?

- Yes, that's my book.

- Well, you must be pretty smart.

- Aw...

Pop will be here in a minute.

He's dressing.

- All right.

- I'll take the crazy chair.

Don't be a hero.

You want to break your back?

She's got a terrible back as it is.

Now she wants another doctor bill.

Our son Robert says...

He's a doctor, did you know that?

- Oh, no.

- He finished last year.

Mario set him up

in a nice place on Park Avenue.

There's so much sickness in the family

he could make a living on that alone.

You know, myself, I got terrible feet.

They hurt me.

My high-class son, you know

what he tells me? It's psychofomatic.

My feet are in my head.

Our our other son, Julius,

he's in the store with us.

- He's married.

- Julius.

- Mario.

- He's in the store. He sits there.

A customer comes in, he runs in the toilet.

What are you looking?

Big secret, I got a stupid son.

The woman will know anyway,

she'll be in the family.

- Mrs Rogers, do you like living here?

- Yes. Yes, I do.

- Pop, it's her.

- Who?

Marilyn Monroe. Hurry up.

I'm gonna flatten you.

(bongos)

(bongos)

What have you got up there, cannibals?

- Where's Tony?

- He's coming.

- Can I get somebody a soda?

- Oh, good, Ally. Come here.

You know, I was just going to ask you.

I've got a bad taste in my mouth.

Must've been that pastrami this morning.

- I had pastrami and eggs.

- You don't need any soda.

Ever seen a woman in your life?

She's in love with plain water.

You got some water?

Oh, sure.

Can I get you something, Mrs Rogers?

All right, then.

You can bring me some water, too.

OK.

Here, wait a minute.

It's all right. Go ahead, Ally.

- Mario. Sophie.

- Hello, Tony.

- I'm sorry I'm late. Is this Mrs Roberts?

- It's Mrs Rogers.

- I'm sorry I'm late. How do you do?

- That's all right. How do you do?

- Tony, I...

- Not now, Mario. Not now.

- Did you meet him yet? My son, Alvin.

- Alvin?!

Oh, come on. He hates that name, Alvin.

What do you got there? Water?

Why didn't you open a bottle of wine?

- They wanted water.

- Is that what you wanted, water?

OK, that's a good idea.

Go get me a water. It's a good idea.

Water's good for you, you know?

Cleans out the blood.

Mrs Rogers. Sophie.

There you go, Mario.

Thank you.

- Huh?

- What's the matter?

Well, I don't know...

- Did you go to the beach today?

- Oh, sure, right away.

In 20 years he hasn't been in the water.

Not once.

For me it's no fun. You sit there, get hot.

You go in the water, you get cold.

You call this pleasure?

You used to be so crazy

about the Turkish baths.

That's different. You go to the bath,

you take your clothes off, meet people.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

He's the oldest member of the family.

Whatever he says goes. Right, Mario?

There we are. Ah, this is fine water.

For $1 million, who did Tommy Burns

win the heavyweight championship from?

Pop, not now.

Come on, this is no time to be bashful.

I tell you, Mrs Rogers, this boy is amazing.

If he was on a quiz show,

he'd win before the first commercial.

Come on, who did Burns beat

for the championship?

- Pop.

- It was Marvin Hart, 20 rounds, wasn't it?

Correct, for one mill...

You know boxing?

Tony, you gonna keep

talking about fights?

It's late.

Let's get down to business, all right?

- What are you talking about?

- Now, sit down here.

I've got some good news for you.

I called the whole family this morning.

We had a talk.

- Good. Tell me about it later.

- Everybody's gonna chip in a few dollars.

I got this very nice little property

in Marion. Very nice little town.

I wouldn't lie to you.

This store is a 100 percent location.

The people in it, a chain store, built a

place across the street. My store is empty.

Tell him, Sophie. Is that a beautiful store?

- For heaven's sakes!

- 30-foot front. Three windows.

Well, anyway, we all decided.

Now, you'll open up

a nice little five-and-ten there.

Only one junky little place in the town.

For years, I've been talking about it

myself, opening up a five-and-ten there.

Now, you'll both work in the store,

you'll watch the pennies

and you'll make a very nice living.

You'll love this town very much.

You'll find a nice little house there.

You'll never have to worry.

Now, on our side, we're

all gonna chip in and give you $5,000.

And I understand

your husband left you a few dollars?

Well...

If you will excuse me, please.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

What'd I do? What'd I say? I don't know.

- Are you crazy? Out of your mind?

- Dummy, what's the matter with you?

(sighs)

Hi.

Hi.

He hasn't got the sense he was born with.

You're old enough to have more...

Me, you call a bum? Me, he calls a bum!

Uncle Mario's a good man, really he is.

He's so good he hurts.

- Like when he pinches my arm.

- You talk about Julius!

Mrs Rogers. Mario, get up out of there.

Go on out and apologise to Mrs Rogers.

I'll handle it myself. Never mind.

Believe me, they all look at me

like I did something terrible.

I'm a plain man.

Maybe I said it wrong. Sorry.

- I'm sorry too...

- If I hurt your feelings, I apologise.

Would you like to get a cup of coffee?

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