A Hole in the Head Page #8

- All right, if you want to.

- One second.

If Jerry Marks calls, I'll be at Hoffman's.

He's a nice fella.

He'd make you a very good...

All right, diplomat, knock it off.

Let's get some coffee.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

Well, you're right, Sophie.

She is a nice, quiet little woman.

- What'd I tell you?

- I still think Louie Bendi's cousin...

Sophie.

- Did you think I'd be an old man maybe?

- Oh, no. They told me your age.

- And what else?

- That you have a wonderful son.

- No, no. I mean, you know, how I look.

- She said you're very handsome.

- Like a doctor.

- Some doctor!

Any guy who wears a clean shirt

every day is a doctor to my sister-in-law.

What I don't understand though, is...

you don't look like a man who would have

any trouble meeting a woman.

- What'd you expect, a mouse?

- In a way. If you want to call it that.

Well, how come you showed up,

a real looker like you? You like a mouse?

- I mean, I thought you'd be very timid.

- Oh, you like that kind? Timid?

Does there have to be

only one type a person likes?

- What, do you like 'em all?

- What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I was making conversation.

- Why?

- What do you mean, why?

Just, you know, when you walk, you talk.

Wait a minute!

What are you so touchy about?

- What is it you want from me?

- Did I give you a handful of worms?

- Look, why did you want to meet me?

- Hi, Mrs Rogers.

- Oh, hello, Mendy.

- Hey, Mendy!

- Tony!

- You know him?

Look out for him, Mrs Rogers, he's a tiger.

- Come on in, I'll buy you a coffee.

- I can't. I'm working.

Big deal, so you blow a quarter fare.

Hey, Jerry's in town, you know?

Yeah, I read about it in the papers.

That's the tightest man on the beach.

- Good evening, Fred.

- Mrs Wexler.

- Hi, Miss Wexler.

- Hi, Ally.

- Your mom OK?

- She's fine. I just put her to bed.

- Take it easy. Geronimo.

- I beg your pardon?

- Have a good time.

- Thank you.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi, Miss Shirl. You look beautiful.

Big night tonight?

- I don't know. It could be the biggest.

- Oh, how come?

Oh, the monkeys

tell no tales in Zamboanga

Oh, the monkeys

tell no tales in Zamboanga

Oh, the monkeys tell no tales

cos the monkeys, they're all males

And this monkey's

on her way to Zamboanga

(they laugh)

- Where's Zamboanga?

- Well, who cares?

(hums)

(Fred) Ally, Ally, ain't love rotten?

You're too young and I've forgotten

Fly now, pay later!

- Where's his brother Mario?

- Brother Mario, huh?

- Ally, where's Uncle Mario?

- Uh, he's out. They went to dinner, I think.

You call me the minute he comes in.

You hear me?

Yes, ma'am.

(weeping)

Hi.

I just...

(she weeps)

(thunder)

This is the kind of weather

that drives everybody to California.

Well, come in.

Hey, that's pretty nice, isn't it?

I'm glad you like it.

Two people are a crowd in here.

Well, if we walk sideways

like a crab we'll make it.

If you like martinis, there's some

in the icebox. I'll just put on an apron.

- Excuse me.

- You want a drink?

Not right now, thanks.

Hey, I ought to get one of these for Ally.

Yeah. Oh, he's a darling boy,

but I guess you know that.

Who, the nagger? Oh, what a nag.

He sure is a nice boy.

- You're very lucky.

- Yeah, that's what I am. Some lucky.

Oh, wait. Maybe you'd like an olive.

Here they are.

Hey, your hair

is almost the same colour as Ally's.

Oh, yes.

You know what that silly kid does?

Every day, right after school,

wham, he's right into the hotel working.

And the funny part of it is

he hates the hotel business.

When his mother was still alive, I couldn't

get him in the lobby if I dragged him in.

He was out playing ball with the kids

in the street, looking as brown as a berry.

Now, I don't know, lately he's beginning

to look like he lives under a rock.

He doesn't play any more.

He worries about me.

He's a funny kid, though, you know.

I could beat him up, anything, leave him

someplace, and I bet he'd still love me.

- It's kind of scary, huh?

- And you say you're not lucky. Hm.

Excuse me.

You may walk like a crab,

but you're sure a lot prettier.

Would you open that bottle?

How do they expect you

to do that, use dynamite?

Here.

(water runs)

- What's your system?

- Plenty of hot water.

You ought to patent that.

There we are. Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry.

- I'm so clumsy. I'm sorry.

- It'll dry. It'll dry.

(thunder)

Thanks.

Do you mind if I...?

Oh, of course not.

Oh, you'll have to excuse me.

I may as well tell you,

you're the first man in this apartment

and I'm as nervous as a schoolgirl.

So silly.

Why don't you bust out once in a while,

let off steam?

- I can't.

- Why?

It's so funny.

Last year I decided I'd go someplace

where nobody would know me

and I'd do just that,

so I took one of those cruises,

those tours, you know.

There were a lot of men.

They paid a great deal of attention to me.

Oh, it's so silly.

I just got tighter and tenser.

I finally got off and flew home. Oh!

(German accent) It seems to me

you have an acute case of lonelyitis. Ja?

That's what you have. That's

from eating alone and from living alone.

The worst part of your day

is eating alone. Tell the doctor.

No. You know

what the worst part of my day is?

- Nein. What is the worst part?

- Having to order one lamb chop.

Oh, it's so simple.

Order two lamb chops and eat with a man.

Maybe I should tell you the truth.

Should I tell you the truth?

Why not? I'm the doctor.

Well, Doctor...

When Sophie called and said her

brother-in-law wanted to marry someone,

that's why I went to meet you.

- Why?

- I was so tired of buying one lamb chop.

Wouldn't you think after living alone

for two years, I'd be used to it?

But I just can't believe it.

I wake up in the morning.

There's one moment before I'm fully

awake when I feel everything is fine.

I know my husband's here

and my son and they need me.

Then I realise of course there's nobody

here and, worst of all, nobody needs me.

So, anyway, if you would happen

to run across anybody who needs me...

- I'll give them your number.

- Thanks, Doctor.

- How about that drink now?

- Oh, I'd love it.

Coming right up.

- They didn't tell me you had a son.

- Yes.

That's him right there.

He'd be just a little older than Ally.

That's his father with him.

That picture was taken

just a couple of days before the accident.

- What accident?

- We were camping.

I was in the tent

and they were in swimming.

All of a sudden,

I heard a lot of commotion.

I went out to see what was happening. My

husband was in deep water with a cramp.

My son swam out to him.

Well, the cold water and the altitude...

Both of them right there

in front of my eyes. My whole family.

So, I moved down to Florida and have

been walking around in a daze ever since.

I know. It takes a long time.

Did you know my wife was four feet

11 inches? She was the littlest thing.

If she ever saw this apartment,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes