A Life Less Ordinary Page #3

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exploratory pressure...

"of his warm flesh."

JACKSON:
Men and women...

it's all gone to sh*t.

Sure has.

"In the hidden recess

of her pelvis...

"their bodies fused

into one writhing mass...

of torrid, torrid sexual..."

THE SHIRELLES:
When the night

Meets the morning sun

[Robert coughs]

THE SHIRELLES:
I'd like to know

That your love

Is a love I can

Be sure of

So tell me now

ROBERT:
Mmm.

THE SHIRELLES:

And I won't ask again

ROBERT:
Mmm.

THE SHIRELLES:

Will you still love me tomorrow?

ROBERT:
Mmm.

Aren't you hungry?

CELINE:
I don't eat red meat.

ROBERT:
Well, you could eat

the vegetables.

CELINE:

They're on the same plate.

So?

I'm not gonna eat this.

Do you eat fish and poultry?

Yes.

But not red meat?

No. Or eggs, unless I know

they're free-range.

Then why didn't you tell me

you don't like meat?

Because you didn't ask!

And I do like meat.

I just don't eat it.

Moral reasons, if you must know.

If you had taken the time

to inquire...

ROBERT:
Why are you such a pain

to be with?

Because you tied me to a chair

all night!

Because I am the victim...

and you are the kidnapper,

apparently!

Meaning exactly what?

"Kidnap For Beginners"...

chapter one...

have you even asked

for a ransom yet?

[Fly buzzing]

[Dialing telephone number]

Don't say a word

until I tell you.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello. Mr. Naville?

lt... it's me.

Now, I want my...

Me.

The kidnapper!

Right. Now, what I want...

It's not like that.

That's unfair now. I would not...

[Click]

What are you doing?

CELINE:
No, what are you doing?

ROBERT:
I'm negotiating

with your father.

- Did you get very far?

- Well, he kept interrupting.

- Right.

- Wouldn't let me finish.

Remember

what they didn't teach you...

at Harvard Business School, OK?

I didn't go

to Harvard Business School.

It's a figure of speech, Robert.

Oh.

Sorry.

CELINE:

Negotiation is a weakness.

You are the kidnapper.

You demand, and he complies.

You go in hard,

and you go in fast.

- Hard and fast.

- Right.

I'm you.

You grasp that?

OK.

Pretend it's ringing.

You psych yourself up.

Go to your dark side.

OK. He answers.

All right, you motherf***er,

I've got your daughter here.

I'm sending her back in pieces

if I don't get what I want.

I'm gonna pull her fingers out

with pliers...

and then I'm gonna fry them up

for breakfast, understand?

And so on and so on

like that, OK?

For no longer than

thirty seconds.

What?

[Beck's "Deadweight"

playing in background]

[Telephone ringing]

Hello there. Mr. Naville?

Now...

Right, you a**hole,

I've got your daughter here...

and I'm gonna cut her up...

and post her home to you

in boxes! Small boxes!

[Telephone ringing]

Right, daughter,

I've got your a**hole here...

and I'm gonna send...

Right! Right!

No, I can't speak to anyone!

I need to speak to him!

Hello?

Yeah, I can hold.

Right, listen, you a**hole,

I've got your daughter here...

and I'm gonna send her back

in pieces unless...

Oh, I'm sorry, madam.

No, I must've dialed

the wrong number.

No, I haven't got

your daughter here.

I have someone else's.

No, we're not married.

Yes, I've read the same thing.

It's very hard to find

suitable young men these days.

Well, I'm sure

your daughter's very nice.

In principle, I've got

no objections to meeting her...

What is the problem?

I think you should

just send a letter.

NAVILLE:

Done this kind of work before?

O'REILLY:
We do everything.

Eviction and debt collection

are our daily bread...

but personal retrieval,

bounty hunting...

you name it, we do it.

NAVILLE:
How much?

Our fee for the recovery

of your daughter is...

one hundred thousand dollars.

That's a lot of money.

Five thousand advance.

The rest is cash on delivery.

No daughter, no dough.

Naturally,

we operate a sliding scale...

whereby if we only bring back

part of your daughter...

we only get part of the money.

That's enough, Jackson.

If he's cut her ears off,

and we can't find them...

we'll knock a couple thousand

off the tariff.

More for a limb, obviously.

O'REILLY:
Jackson.

Sorry.

O'REILLY:
Mr. Naville,

I don't think you need to worry.

My partner is simply envisaging

a worst-case scenario.

What about the kidnapper?

You want him, too?

That's extra.

What if he gets in the way?

We'll deal with that situation

if it arises.

What if I want him

to get in the way?

Let us speak plainly,

Mr. Naville.

You want we should kill him?

Yes.

JACKSON:
[Snaps fingers]

Uh...

Sir, I must say...

No one's asking you, Mayhew.

Very good, sir.

I am not gonna kill anyone.

If we don't get this job,

someone else will.

- Two hundred thousand dollars.

- Including expenses?

O'REILLY:

Including all expenses...

except medical costs...

for which you accept full

and unlimited responsibility.

NAVILLE:
Only for the duration

of the contract.

- Naturally.

- It's a deal.

[Creaking noise]

[Knock on door]

[Knock knock knock]

TOD:
Good afternoon.

ROBERT:
Hi.

TOD:
I'm Tod Johnson.

I live up the hill.

ROBERT:
That's nice.

TOD:

I see most things from up there.

Saw you arrive.

Big car, middle of the night.

ROBERT:
Right.

TOD:
Wondered "Who's that?"

ROBERT:

Perfectly natural question.

TOD:
So I asked Felix.

ROBERT:
Felix?

TOD:
Felix is my friend.

He hasn't been the same

since the war.

ROBERT:
Of course.

TOD:
I asked him.

I said, " Felix, tell me...

"are they good,

or are they evil?"

One bark for good, two for evil.

Felix is a dog?

Do you think

that I would talk to a dog?

Do you think

I would ask a dog...

whether or not

you're good or evil?

What do you think I am...

some kind

of a crazy backwoods lunatic...

with a barn

full of human skulls...

and a scythe

that I sharpen every day...

in readiness for Armageddon?

No.

I'm sure you're a regular guy.

Right! I'm regular!

I am a regular man.

I want...

That's not the point!

The point is, who are you?!

Who are you?!

Well, I'm...

We're newlyweds.

Are you coming back to bed

soon, darling?

ROBERT:

This is Mr. Johnson, dear.

Hello.

TOD:
Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

You can call me Lucille.

TOD:
My pleasure, Lucille.

[Kissing repeatedly]

CELINE:
You're not

from the newspapers, are you?

I live up the hill.

CELINE:
Oh, good. You can't tell

the newspapers we're here.

They never leave us alone,

on account of Ritchie.

Ritchie?

CELINE:
You recognize Ritchie,

don't you?

Ritchie Vanderlow?

Six gold albums...

three platinum.

Fourteen consecutive

top-ten singles.

Largest-selling artist

worldwide...

for the last twelve months?

Ritchie Vanderlow!

TOD:
You have got to understand,

ma'am...

I watch mainly

the biblical channels.

It's OK.

We were married in secret...

in a castle in Scotland.

That's in England.

Near Paris?

[Speaking French]

Paris.

Right.

It was so romantic.

We stayed there

for our honeymoon...

but it wasn't long enough...

so we came here for the sake

of a little privacy.

Mmm. I see.

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