A New Kind of Love Page #8

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he took me in his arms and he says,

''Darling, the countess

has gone to Biarritz.

Have you ever had

a bath in champagne?''

And what did you say,

''What'll we use for a chaser?''

Oh, mais non. No, darling.

l said-- Look out!

lt is necessary to drive so quickly?

Well, they asked me

to road-test this beast.

Are you all right?

l think so, yes.

Let me see.

- Am l bleeding?

- Here.

l'm sorry. l really am.

l'm like a kid with a hot rod.

Wonder where l was when

brains were being passed out.

Probably trying to put a Chrysler

engine in a Model T Ford.

lt won't fit.

That motor you're talking about.

lt won't fit in a Model T. lt's too big.

What?

My brother used

to have a garage in Harrisburg.

Harrisburg?

Harrisbourg. ln Brittany.

- Do you know Brittany?

- No.

Harrisbourg.

That's where l was when

the brains were being passed out.

- And do you knew where l was?

- No, where?

Taking a bath in champagne.

- You sure you're okay?

- l'm fine.

- You're a nut.

- Am l?

- What's the matter?

- l'm not that much of a charity case.

When l need

the Salvation Army, l'll call.

- But, Steve--

- How stupid do you think l am?

''Harrisbourg,'' yet. That accent.

You're a liar and a phony,

like all of your kind.

- Come on, turn over, will you, baby.

- What?

The car.

l played along because l needed a

story from you, and that's all l needed.

Why don't you save that tender

loving care for the cash customers.

Steve, Steve, l wanna tell you the

truth. l've been meaning to all along.

l know, you're putting your sick

old mother through reform school.

Please, l'm not

what you think, not at all.

l've never known

one who was, darling.

Oh, you've known quite a few?

l've got a bathtub too.

Hit a tree, hit a tree, hit a tree!

l took a cold shower

and threw myself back into my work.

Those same old

beautiful dresses, day after day.

l couldn't even get up enough

enthusiasm to steal anything.

Chapeau de paille marine et rouge.

Navy wool suit, red blouse.

Navy and red straw hat.

lsn't it charming?

lt's so large, it's beyond

being in bad taste.

l already gave my thanks

to St. Catherine.

She deserves it.

- She got you a fiance and a jeweler.

- lt's lovely.

Joe, the darling,

gave it to me last night,

while we were having

onion soup, of all things.

For a minute,

she thought it was a crouton.

Diamant noir.

Robe de crpe noir.

Chapeau de crin noir.

Black crepe gown.

Black horsehair hat.

Congratulations,

l hope you'll be very happy.

A man reaches a time in life

he's got a right to be foolish.

Besides, think of all the fun l'll have

teaching her to play pinochle.

Darling, darling,

l hope you don't mind,

but l told our publicity office

to put a little something in the papers

about our engagement.

Tell her to look under science fiction.

Concerto.

Robe de gazar vert.

Green gazar gown.

My affair with the Comte de Bauvay.

Every detail.

- And it's told as a hockey game.

- What?

''Before facing off, both sides

warmed up in a tub full of champagne.

- lt broke the ice.''

- lt's just a joke--

A joke for all my friends

to read in the newspapers.

Everybody knew about it.

Everyone has these little affairs,

these-- These projets d'amour.

You mean this is true?

You and this count fellow?

Oh, darling, darling, this is Paris.

Every woman amuses herself.

lt doesn't mean anything.

lt's like having your hair done.

But this is too outrageous. You've

simply got to do something about it.

That's what l was thinking.

l think l'll go out right now

and buy a subscription.

lf they'll sell one

to a stupid old schlemiel.

Sam, get our tickets

back to the States for tomorrow.

We've bought everything we need.

And a couple we didn't.

Empire gown in violet...

- Thank you.

- When she gets her motor running,

she can't turn it off.

l've had it.

With her, with the column,

with the whole newspaper business.

l owe lnternational Press--

Would you get that? l owe

lnternational Press one more piece.

- Allo.

- Wanna get into something legitimate.

Something with a future,

like making slugs for pay television.

- Oh, Monsieur Sherman est ici.

- Who is it?

lt's the boss, Chalmers,

calling from Los Angeles.

ls the call paid for?

You ask him.

ls this call paid for?

All right.

Hello, Bertram.

Bertram, his first name.

You're damn right l took it

seriously when you fired me.

Wrong attitude,

wrong attitude, Steve.

You got it wrong. They weren't good

columns. They were great columns.

Right attitude.

And there's a lot more

where those came from.

Yeah, she's quite a girl.

You better put her picture back up.

Just get one thing straight.

l ain't interested

in any lousy $200 raise.

You wanna know

what you can do with your job--

Please, Steve.

Even if he wants to know,

- l don't wanna know.

- What?

How much?

- Well, that's a little more like it.

- How much?

- Reprint rights?

- How much?

Transportation back to New York?

First class.

Bertram, you are

the salt of the earth.

They don't make them

like you anymore.

When they made you,

they broke the mold.

Good thing too.

Neat.

Yeah. Well, thank you,

dear employer, and good night.

- How much?

- Come on. Grab your coat.

We're gonna paint the town,

buy the Eiffel Tower.

- All right.

- Your chapeau, garon.

- Merci.

- My jacket, garon.

- Mais oui.

- My coat, garon.

- Oui, mais.

- Your cape, mon capitaine.

Mon gnral.

l'm ticklish.

And now the meeting

will adjourn to the nearest saloon.

Aspirin?

Set them up for everybody!

Labor has triumphed over capital.

The revolution,

mon capitaine, is successful.

And once more the guillotine

is busy in the Place de la Concorde,

chopping the rear fenders

from the Cadillacs.

- A boire pour tout le monde.

- l'll have a Dr. Pepper.

Bourbon.

Bergner, come on, join the party.

l got my job back.

Heading back for New York tomorrow.

They might have a parade for me

from the unemployment agency.

- Hurrah.

- Well, what's the matter with you?

Nothing, l just realized it's taken me

50 years to become a schnook.

- My brother-in-law made it in 20.

- You've been working too hard.

Nobody's got a right

to be miserable in Paris.

l'm an American. l got a right

to be miserable any place in the world.

l know what you need. A little female

companionship to cheer you up.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- No, l know this girl.

She's one of the best

cheerleaders in town.

Female companionship

is how l got this way.

Well, not this type, it's sure-fire.

Besides, l owe you a favor

for helping me out with the column,

and l owe her a replacement.

Here, keep buying till this runs out.

l'm a big tipper.

- l'll be back.

- Big tipper.

- Come on.

- Dr. Pepper for everybody.

Merci beaucoup, mon ami.

J'aime pas le Dr. Pepper.

Well, hello, hello.

Hello. l dropped an olive on the floor.

How are you?

Oh, nice to meet you.

This isn't happening to me. Please,

Mr. Bergner, don't give me away.

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