A Prairie Home Companion Page #6

# Don't boss me or cross me #

# Or I'll spit in your eye #

# I think what I please #

# And I say what I mean #

# And I think all you women #

# Are the finest I've seen #

# Whoopi-ti-yi-yo... #

So my mom said, um...

my mom said, you got into radio...

uh, when someone was flying a kite

whose clothes came off? Ha.

A naked man flying.

Quite a sight.

Why didn't he pull his shorts up?

He was hanging on to the kite,

couldn't let go.

- He was up high.

- Ha.

A hundred feet up in the air...

fifty.

Ha.

So, how did that get you into radio?

Well, that was how I met your dad.

Here comes the solo.

Yeah, real good.

Real good.

- Wait, naked guy...

- Yeah?

- Was my dad?

- Right.

Ha.

Naked man with red swim trunks

around his ankles.

Couple thousand people saw it...

so we figured it was a good time

to leave town...

so we got a car,

and we headed down to Chicago.

# We ride in the snow #

# And we ride in the rain #

# Just like Gene Autry #

# Just like John Wayne #

# They were better cowboys #

# Than us and I mean it #

# But we are still livin' #

# And that is convenient #

# Huh! #

# Pi-ti-yi-yo #

# Get along, little dogie #

# Huh! #

# Pi-ti-yi-yo #

# Get along, little dogies #

I go in to pay for the gas...

and he wakes up and decides

he needs to use the men's room.

So I come back.

I think he's still sleeping

in the back seat...

and I get behind the wheel,

and I drive to Chicago.

I leave him there in Oshkosh.

And he goes into the caf,

and your mother was the waitress.

That's how they met.

That's how I came to be born.

Well, it kind of led to that, yeah.

Yeah, but I mean if you had

looked in the back seat...

and... and seen that he wasn't there,

I wouldn't exist.

Well, he and I weren't getting along

that well, so that's why.

That's really strange.

Well, no. I think it's one...

of the most beautiful things

I ever did not do.

So how'd you get into radio then?

Well, there was a show called, uh,

The Baked Bean Jubilee.

- Yeah, with my dad.

- With your dad, right.

- Happy Baked Beans.

- Happy Baked Beans, you know?

# Happy Baked Beans #

# Are nutritious #

Shh! Keep your voices down!

# Made the natural way #

- Keep your voices down!

- # Made of natural fiber #

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

# Try some, you will say #

- There's a show going on!

- # They are nature's fruit #

# Root-ti-toot-toot-toot #

# Try baked beans #

# Every day #

# Ooh, baby #

- # You're my man #

- Mmm. Hmm!

# Ahh, ooh, you do what... #

Let's come in here now

with some cards and letters...

from the friends

and neighbors out there.

So good to know that

you're out there listening.

Here's a little note here from Aaron...

who says our show is a source

of comfort and laughter for him.

- And he's hoping...

- And he's hopin' that the Johnson Girls...

he's goin' to hear them

shake their hips a little...

and sing Touch me,

Kiss me, Be my man.

No, he was just joking, he says.

Just joking about that.

He was hoping that we would sing, uh,

Gold Watch and Chain.

- Oh. Oh, I bet.

- Yolanda.

Yolanda and I.

So let's bring up Yolanda here.

This beautiful old song

Gold Watch and Chain. Boys.

# Darlin', how can I stay

here without you? #

# I have nothing

to ease my poor heart #

# All the world would seem sad,

dear, without you #

# Tell me now that we never will part #

# I will pawn you

my gold watch and chain, love #

# I will pawn you

my gold wedding ring #

# I will pawn you this... #

- Molly?

- What?

Would you come here a moment?

What is it, Guy?

Um, I just want to...

Oh...

You are fat.

Y-you might think about cutting down

on the, um, desserts and the beer.

And also possibly sex with men.

W-when did...

when did this take place?

Who... who did this to you?

Ahh, yes, Lefty, Dusty,

are... are you boys aware of this?

O-our little girl's going

to be a-a single mom.

- You poor thing.

- Thank you.

I'll swear on a stack of Bibles

it wasn't me, darlin'.

Oh, that's great

to know, Dusty. Thanks.

# Do not scorn her #

# With words fierce and bitter #

# Do not laugh

at her shame and downfall #

You should sit.

# For a moment,

just stop and consider #

Just ignore them.

# That a man

was the cause of it all #

Dusty!

Yo!

That reminds me.

About that obscene song

you sang last week.

- Obscene? Uh...

- Yeah.

'I'll give you my moonshine

if you show me your jugs'?

No, not that one.

'Lovin' you ain't easy,

but I hear your sister is'?

No, no, no.

'Come ride my pony all night long.

'Come ride him bareback,

I'll sing you a song.' That one.

That's just a song

about ridin' a pony.

Mmm.

Oh, what... what the hell

did you think it was about?

Let's go out with a little style, OK?

What do you say?

'Go out'?

What do you mean?

Just what I said.

'Go out?' You mean me?

All of us.

What the Sam Hill are you

talkin' about, mister?

- Ohh. Hold on.

- Hey.

Got some nice egg salad sandwiches

if you're hungry.

No gunplay backstage.

I'm hungry.

I'm always hungry.

Did you know

that she's pregnant?

# And can't be returned #

# You have left me

and gone to another #

# All my hopes

and bridges are burned #

# But I will pawn you

my gold watch and chain, love #

# And I will pawn you

my gold wedding ring #

# I will pawn you

this heart in my bosom #

# Only say that you'll love me again #

# Only say that you'll love me again #

# Only say that you'll love me again #

Hee hee.

Thank you, Yolanda.

What a beautiful, beautiful song.

This portion of our show

is brought to you...

by Powdermilk Biscuits...

and also brought to you by duct tape.

Duct tape.

Yes, duct tape.

Duct tape.

Useful thing around the household...

almost anything that comes

up around the household.

Sometimes you need to make repairs,

doors come loose...

and windows,

all sorts of things can happen.

Sometimes you just forget something

that you're looking for...

and duct tape can come in handy.

You can wrap it around your finger

like a string or something.

You can just tape it up.

Whatever.

Things do tend to fall apart, you know.

Confusion reins endemic

in our world today.

- Just things tend to drift...

- Oh, jeez.

And especially as you get to be older...

duct tape is

the most useful thing you'll find.

All repairs are short term.

We know that.

Say a faucet should be dripping

and you, and you...

The water is falling there,

dripping onto your cupboard...

and the... and the wood

comes loose from the wall...

and you need something to fix it.

Just reach for a roll of duct tape.

That would be the... the perfect thing.

Or maybe your orangutano's

been jumpin' up and down on it.

The weight of the orangutan has,

like, you know, crushed...

uh, crushed part of the counter.

And... and then your Rottweiler...

he comes runnin' out and

he bites the orangutan in the hinder.

Gets him all riled up.

Hey.

The Rottweiler, actually,

is locked in the basement.

Sorry to correct you there, Rhonda.

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