A Prairie Home Companion Page #7

I can hear them goin' at it.

- He's down locked in the basement.

- The Rottweiler and the orangutan.

A double lock there.

Because the...

uh, the orangutan, you know...

They got, uh, the fingers

and he's got a saw.

A chainsaw.

He cut a big hole in the door

and the Rottweiler got out.

That's how he bit the orangutan

in the hinder.

And then... and then

don't forget about the peacock.

And then the flock.

Uh, overhead there was...

a big helicopter

came flyin' through.

Right through a flock

of Canadian geese.

And, uh, really was gettin'

someone's goose was cooked.

And then they startled the peacock.

Yeah! Then...

And then this... this sick...

- The peacock.

- No, wait.

This sadist... this sadist in uh, sneakers

was creepin' up on everybody.

And the peacock, he... uh...

he jumps right at the orangutan.

His beak...

yeah... is flashing like a scimitar.

Yeah, but the, uh, but his aim is...

uh, goes awry and it... and then, um...

He takes that chainsaw and he throws it.

The orangutan throws it

at the peacock.

But he's got a bad aim.

The aim.

It goes right through a plate-glass window.

But it almost...

Yeah... hits the mailman.

Wow! Oh!

Murray. But doesn't.

It misses him by inches.

And by the way, he's bringin' you a letter

from your ex-girlfriend. Remember her?

Who is still furious at you

for having dumped her.

You know, just thrown her aside,

the woman who loved you.

Just because

you found somebody new.

How could you do that?

She will never understand.

And, um...

duct tape isn't gonna

help you with that one bit.

No, I suppose not, but with two out of...

And duct tape is not gonna make

an honest man out of you.

No, it won't. But with two out of three

chores around the home, duct tape.

And it isn't even gonna help you

find whatever it was...

you were lookin' for, so...

what were you lookin' for?

I was lookin' for duct tape.

Duct tape.

All repairs are temporary and short term.

It's almost just about the only thing...

that really works sometimes,

and that is duct tape.

More of A Prairie Home Companion

here in just a moment...

right after we come in

with a word about coffee.

Yes, Jearlyn,

nothing stimulates a person...

keeps you focused quite

like good old caffeine.

Black coffee.

Mmm. So good.

I'm glad you like it, too.

# Smells so lovely when you pour it #

# You will want to drink a quart of coffee #

# It's delicious all alone #

# It's also good with doughnuts #

# Black coffee #

# Coffee stimulates your urges #

# It's served in Lutheran churches #

# Keeps the Swedes and the Germans #

# Awake through the sermons #

# Have a pot of it today #

# I'm sure you'll say

it's awfully good coffee #

Chuck?

I'm ready for you now.

Chuck?

# Much too long #

Hey, you decent? Chuck?

Whoa!

Chuck, what you got

goin' in here, huh?

Huh!

Candles and music and...

Hey, hey, wake up, buddy.

Hey... Chu...

Chuck?

# Oh, my Lord does just what he said #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

# He healed the sick

and He raised the dead #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

# Shine on #

# Let it shine on #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

# From the lighthouse shine on me #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

# Oh, this whole world's

gonna reel and rock #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

Honey? It's me.

Ready or not, here I come.

I am lookin' for a big hot dog

to put in my bun, you old dog, you.

Why you hidin' from me?

Wake up.

Wake up, sugar.

Oh!

Chuck?

Chuck! Chuck!

It's OK.

It's OK. It's OK.

But how can he be dead?

He just went away, that's all.

Oh, my Chuck.

My baby.

The death of an old man

is not a tragedy.

Oh...

I don't want him to go.

Forgive him his shortcomings

and thank him for all of his love and care.

# Shine on #

# Let it shine on #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

Good-bye, baby.

# Let it shine on #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

Ohh! Ooh!

# Shine #

# Let it shine #

# Let the light from

the lighthouse shine on me #

# Shine #

# Let it shine #

# Let the light

from the lighthouse #

# Shine on #

# Me #

Thank you so much.

Time to break now

for station identification.

And we'll right back

with more right after this.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now

at nine minutes to broadcast, please.

Nine minutes.

Hey. No smokin', mister.

Chuck Akers is dead.

He's gone.

I don't follow your reasoning there.

I said Chuck is dead.

Who's dead?

Chuck.

When?

Now.

He just died now?

I don't know when the hell he died.

I wasn't there.

What was the approximate

time of death?

Recent. Why don't you go

check it out for yourself.

He's in there.

Does anyone else know about this?

I have no idea.

Because if anyone else knows about this

and they're not saying anything...

I need to know about that.

Excuse me.

I used to listen to your show...

until I died.

My name was Lois Peterson.

I was driving up to this cabin up north...

and you were telling a story

and I was laughing.

And then the car skidded off the road

and into a ditch and it flipped.

And as it did, the thought occurred to me...

that the story just wasn't that funny.

And then...

I was standing in this tall grass

looking down at my own body.

Hmm.

So sorry.

I was on my way to that cabin

to meet my lover Larry.

We had been planning it

for over two months.

And because of your story,

I lost control and I died.

- So...

- I'm so sorry.

So you killed me, in a way.

Isn't that interesting?

He's quite dead.

Just a half an hour ago

he was walkin' around...

exchangin' the gases

with the atmosphere.

Well, there's a lot more

out than in now.

We should call the cops.

No.

When the time is right,

I'll make the call.

You... just, um...

All right. We're at five minutes

from broadcast.

Don't talk about this to anyone.

All right?

Keep it under your hat.

Go about your business.

I'm gonna secure the area.

Let's get on with the show.

You gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'll be all right.

So you're really an angel?

Of course.

Hmm.

What do you do?

Well, that's a dumb question.

No, no. I... uh, I do lots of things.

I comfort people that are desperately sad.

And I make personal appearances.

I...

Tears on a statue.

One time I put the face of the Lord

on a bowl of oatmeal.

Just to cheer people up.

You know, those kind of things.

But mostly I... I take people up to see God.

That's why I'm here.

But I-I just keep thinking

about that story...

and why it was funny.

The story I told on the radio?

It was about penguins.

Oh. The penguin joke.

Two penguins standing on an ice floe.

That's the one.

And the first penguin says...

'You look like

you're wearing a tuxedo.'

And the second penguin says...

'What makes you think I'm not?'

- Is there more?

- No.

- That's the joke?

- Mm-hmm.

Why is that funny?

I guess it's funny

because people laugh at it.

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