A Shot in the Dark Page #5

Are you ill?

I seem to have stabbed myself

with a letter opener.

Argh!

Kato, you fool. Get off of me,

will you? Get off me!

Kato, what are you doing? Not now.

Kato. Release me, you fool.

(phone rings)

Inspector Clouseau's residence.

Give me that telephone, you idiot.

- Inspector Clouseau here.

- This is the commissioner.

You are back on the Gambrelli case.

(yelps)

Well, Kato, l'm back on the case.

(karate cry)

Now to set the trap, catch the killer,

and prove to the world that Maria

Gambrelli is innocent of murder.

Hello? This is Clouseau. Connect me

with my assistant immediately.

I am ashamed of myself, Kato.

I forgot the first rule of self-defence.

No matter what,

always anticipate the unexpected.

A real assassin might have killed me.

We have to accelerate our training.

You must attack me when l least expect it

and you must give no quarter.

understand?

Hello, Hercule? This is Clouseau.

I am back on the case.

Right, release Maria Gambrelli at once

and make a reservation

for two tonight at the Caf Ol.

Right. Bye bye.

Kato, unpack my things

and lay out my new blue suit.

I'm going to have a lovely hot soak

in a nice warm bath,

and l will plan out my strategy.

(Clouseau hums)

- (karate cry)

- Argh!

(chuckles and whimpers)

He released her again.

And he's taking her out to dinner.

Every paper in Paris has the story,

including the Christian Science Monitor,

and he gave them the story.

You see, he claims

she's protecting her lover

and the best way to force him

into the open is to make him jealous.

Jealous!

That nincompoop. That megalomaniac.

He's setting the science of criminal

investigation back a thousand years.

And l can't do anything about it.

- Why not?

- Why not?

What if he's right?

- What if he is?

- I'm finished. Washed up.

Sanity and reason become

things of the past. Madness reigns.

- Just relax.

- Relax?

With Clouseau loose? Go about offering

irresponsible suggestions like that

and you better find a good analyst.

- Now, just lie down.

- Just lie down.

- And relax.

- Relax.

(chuckles) Don't you think l want to relax?

Don't you think l'd give my arm

for a good night's sleep?

I haven't closed my eyes in three days.

I've only eaten a chicken leg

and some clear broth since Wednesday.

I'm cracking up.

I'm coming apart at the seams.

(chuckles)

Look at my eye. I used to have

a perfectly good eye. Two eyes, l mean.

No, Doctor, there is no hope. There is

no hope unless l can get rid of Clouseau.

I must get rid of Clouseau.

(whimpers)

(Spanish music)

Ese gitano de Cordoba,

o sea que eres unico, arsa, mira.

(Polynesian drumming music)

(Russian music)

(all chant) Pei do dna! Pei do dna!

Pei do dna! Pei do dna!

(rip)

(audience stops clapping and laughs)

(dancer) What's wrong?

I'm not gonna let you look at me

going up the stairs, you naughty thing.

Come on, then.

No, l'm just unlocking the door. No.

You just split up your pants so you could

lure me into this apartment of yours.

Well, this is my apartment.

I know this is your apartment.

- How about a little lure?

- You mustn't lure. You're luring me.

Oh, lu-lu-lu-lu-lure.

- Do you know?

- What?

I know this is your apartment.

But that won't help you in the least bit.

Why won't that help me in the least bit?

- Because...

- Question...

- Question, answer, Mr Police lnspector.

- Jacques Clouseau is the name.

I've given up sex.

Oh.

Quel brutto momento.

I've given up sex.

- Promise me.

- What, darling?

Afterwards, you will not smoke, hm?

I give you my word

as an officer and a gentleman.

Also, a policeman.

Policeman.

- Jacques?

- Yes, darling.

Carry me.

All right, my darling.

Jacques?

- Yes?

- I swore l'd never...

- Ooh!

- Oh.

- Sorry, my darling.

- I swore l'd never do it again.

- Yes, darling.

- And l resolve to be so strong.

- Yes, darling.

- We all pay for our sins, don't we?

Could you open the door, my darling?

Anything... worth waiting for is worth...

Oh.

(thud and smash)

Oh, darling.

My darling. My dear, sweet darling.

My sweet darling, let's have the...

- Jacques?

- What?

- It may be somebody important.

- What could be more important than this?

Jacques, look what you are doing.

Look at my sleeve.

- It's all right. It looks better that way.

- Jacques, go to the door.

- Probably somebody important.

- Don't go away.

- Don't go away.

- Darling, hurry.

Hurry, yes.

- Darling!

- Coming, my lovely little darling.

That's very strange.

Darling.

- Oh, my darling.

- Come here.

Oh! Oh, this is too much

for a simple policeman.

(gargles)

Oh, my darling.

Wait, l... Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, my darling. Wait.

You beautiful, wonderful...

- You're like a... Iike a little pin.

- Like a pin?

(both laugh)

- (Kato) Argh!

- (Clouseau) No!

(Maria screams)

- (Maria) No!

- (Clouseau) Kato! Kato, you fool!

(Kato shouts in Japanese)

Kato!

Kato!

(Maria shrieks)

(shouts and screams)

(shrieks)

Jacques!

Don't worry, my darling. It's only Kato.

This poor fool.

Jacques, Jacques! Oh, Jacques!

- I killed him.

- Don't worry, you didn't.

He's all right. It's nothing to worry about.

Nothing can happen now.

(clock chimes)

"Trail of death

follows lnspector Clouseau."

Four people - a doorman,

two customers, and a Cossack.

Most regrettable.

Regrettable? lncluding the Ballon murders

this brings the grand total to eight.

Well, that just goes to prove

what l have said all along.

What you've said all along

qualifies you as the greatest prophet

since General Custer said he was

going to surround all those lndians.

Maria did not kill those four people.

- Which four people?

- The last four people.

Someone else did.

I was with her all the time.

Whoever he is,

he killed the first four people.

- A doorman? A Cossack?

- Innocent bystanders.

He was after me. Fortunately he missed.

"Fortunately" is not the word.

It proves my theory is correct.

Because of misguided loyalty Maria will

not divulge the name of her former love

and he is so jealous

he will kill rather than lose her.

Are you saying that the man

Gambrelli is protecting -

her former lover - killed eight people

because he was jealous?

Insanely jealous.

So jealous he made it look

like Gambrelli was the murderer?

He's a madman, a psychotic.

- What about the maid?

- The maid?

Was he jealous of her too?

He strangled her.

Possibly his intended victim

was a man and he made a mistake.

- In a nudist camp?

- Nobody's perfect.

- Idiot! Nincompoop!

- Sir. Commissioner.

Lunatic!

I will have your murderer by tonight.

What?

- I have a plan.

- What sort of plan?

A plan that cannot possibly fail.

Right. Now, remember,

at eight o'clock sharp,

you pull the master switch

just as l am about to name the murderer.

- Lights off for five seconds.

- No longer.

Just long enough for the murderer

to leave the room. understand? Clear?

Right, now we synchronise watches.

In seven seconds it will be precisely...

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