A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas Page #4

Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.

Harry.

When did you turn into

Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?

There's a lot you don't know...

...about Harry, huh?

Excuse me?

- Was that directed to me?

- Yeah, douche.

Okay. Taken.

I got the munchies.

Now we have to...

...stop and get some

disgusting food for her.

So she can come down

from her trip. Fantastic.

Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,

I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.

- What?

- What?

It's just this lie I sort of got caught in.

Also, I told her you work

for the White House.

Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.

It is I, the B-l-G, the B-O-I

Well, I spy with my little eye...

...three felonies that I can see

in this room right now.

Four.

That's it. That's our tree. It's perfect.

- It's better than the photograph.

- Ha, ha.

It's perfect.

Hey, Glasses.

- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yo, yo, yo!

What it is, pimp, player...

...et cetera?

- What's up? Where's Mary?

- I don't know...

...dude, but if I was you,

I would steer clear.

Does she have a tail

or something? What?

Don't listen to these guys.

It takes balls to do what you're doing.

You're freaking me out.

- What is wrong with her?

- Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?

Wow, you look just like...

...your profile pic.

You look better. Hi.

You're hot, girl.

Thank you.

So do you, like, want to see my room?

Hey, hey. What about the tree?

I'll get it.

Just give me a minute,

all right, man? Probably less. Heh.

But hopefully more. Heh.

Probably less.

You owe me a tree, punk.

Ugh. Ugh.

Oh, great. Great. This is just great.

- I've got to find a place to change a diaper.

- Oh, God.

Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams

would like to help with some poopy?

Wu-Tang, dude.

Woo-hoo.

Your little friend better get me a tree.

I'm sorry about him, dude. L...

Hey, grandpa!

- Toss it back.

- Who you calling...

...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.

Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...

...right now.

Karate Kid style.

Really?

Which Karate Kid are you referring to?

There's only one Karate Kid and it stars

Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.

What?

Generation Z, here's your ball.

Who invited these f***ing losers?

Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?

She promised us we could have that tree.

Okay? Thank you.

What?

F*** that! I don't care...

...what my sister said.

I'm not letting you take our tree.

Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.

Come on.

We're here to pick up the tree,

then we're out of here.

It's a bit of an emergency.

Tell you what, we'll play you for it.

If you beat us...

...you get the tree.

If we beat you, we kick your asses out and

take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.

I'm sorry, do you want us

to play you in beer pong?

Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys

haven't heard of it before.

Oh, no, no.

We've heard of it, dude. Yeah.

Except, see, in our day,

it was called Beirut.

And we didn't have the rollback rule...

...like you pussies have today.

I remember the day they announced the rule.

Same day I kicked a little b*tch's ass at it.

You remind me a lot of that guy...

...except you're shorter.

And he had pubes.

Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

All my other friends...

...Iost their virginity in 7th grade.

I can't believe it's happening.

What's the deal? Why isn't everybody

at school trying to sleep with you?

Are you kidding? No guy at school

will even touch me.

Why won't they?

Probably because they're scared.

Well, I don't get scared.

Scared of...

What are they scared of, though?

Hey! Enough talk.

Gonna hit this?

Yes. I will. Hit it.

Aah. It's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.

- What?

- Never mind. Heh.

Forget it. Heh.

Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed.

Daddy is gonna get you...

Aah! Okay, I need this room...

...for a serious diaper situation.

So I will ask you to stop...

...doing that.

- Smush that p*ssy! Unh!

Smush my p*ssy!

I'm coming!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, I'm coming!

Baby, blow me.

Ugh.

A boom batta, these pockets...

...getting fatter.

You guys...

...got nothing on me.

Dude, I need this tree.

I know.

- We hit this, we win.

- No matter. There's no way...

...you sinking this ball.

Not in my house.

Shut this motherf***er up,

would you?

- Time.

- What?

Show him the old "Roldy Roll."

It's too risky.

I haven't done that in forever.

No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it.

Hello, old friend.

Clear.

We won!

Who are those guys?

I don't know,

but they're f***ing studs.

I know this is your first time,

so I'm gonna be extra gentle.

Who's that?

Oh, that's just my dad.

Why does he look...

...so familiar?

That's not good. No.

Hey, are we gonna do this or what?

Yeah, we are, but your dad

is Sergei Katsov? Heh.

Not again. Oh, my God.

This happens every goddamn time.

No, no, no.

Give your dick.

Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.

Wait, I almost got it.

It really hurts.

You're digging your nails into it! Aah!

Are you going soft on me?

Uh-uh.

You better not go soft on me!

I'm not, it's just hard.

Aah! And it really, really hurts.

Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!

So how do we do this?

There's gotta be

a freight elevator or something.

- We take the ornaments off, or...?

- We could.

Hey, guys. I just wanted to say

that was an epic match.

- Good win.

- Thanks, kid.

I'm sorry I was such a dick...

...to you guys.

I thought you were old a**holes.

But real talk...

...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.

- Thanks.

- No, no. Come on. Don't.

Roldy, the kid is acknowledging

the error of his ways. Respect that.

Come on, man, it's Christmas.

Thanks, kid.

- All right.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Mm. It's good.

Why don't you guys just sit down

and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.

- Thank you.

- Thanks, man.

Appreciate it.

Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!

Have you kids...

...never seen VH1's Behind the Music?

Do you not know...

...what cocaine can do to the mind

of a person as young as you?

Unh, reporting live from the kitchen

With a brand-new swag

Dude, do you feel kind of weird?

Yeah, I do, actually.

My face is feeling kind of numb.

Oh, f***.

The kids put something in here.

Was it drugs? Was it semen?

It doesn't taste like semen.

Uh! You f***ing...

...Ioser!

- Give me another chance!

I'm begging you!

I'm really, really, really sorry!

That we had sex too well too often.

"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.

Somebody is gonna...

...f*** me tonight! You!

Oh, no. Ha. Married.

- He's single.

- Hi. Kumar.

I don't date black guys.

- What? Whoa!

- Unh!

- What are you doing?

- Getting you ready.

- Get her off me!

- Right, sorry, sorry!

Uh, I'm not gonna let you...

...rape my friend on Christmas Eve.

He's married.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who the f*** are you?

Stop resisting.

Push harder, dude!

I am doing it!

I can't get her...

...off!

- Oh, God!

Mariana?

Daddy.

Daddy.

That's Sergei...

...Katsov.

I know, dude.

Start talking.

- Start talking.

- Okay.

She...

Start talking! Now!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes