A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas Page #5

Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold.

It's very nice to meet you.

Um, I know this is gonna be hard

for you to believe...

...but your daughter, sir, was the one

who was trying to rape us.

She's the raper.

No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.

These men came in here,

I didn't know who they were.

I think that they got me drunk.

No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.

You got my daughter drunk?

Sir, if I may. This is all a big...

Let me pull my pants up.

It's all a big misunderstanding.

Your children threw the party.

We have nothing to do with all the drugs

and all the alcohol.

Okay, listen up!

Party's over!

My baby...

...is f***ed on cocaine!

- I've heard enough.

Gustav.

- What? Oh, sh*t!

- No! No!

Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?

- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?

- He means both.

Why can't he say both of us?

Both of you...

...kill them. Kill them all!

- Aah!

- Go!

Now!

Unh, ah! Ava!

Come with me if you wanna live!

What? No, no!

No, no, no!

Aah. Where's my baby?

- Ava! Ava!

- Shh!

Where could my baby be?

Where's my baby?

Your coke baby has superpowers.

- That was close.

- I know, right?

Were you starting to trip out a little bit?

Because I think I was starting

to trip out back there a little bit.

Yeah, definitely, man. I think there

was something in the eggnog.

It's pretty f***ing sweet.

Don't worry.

I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.

Or maybe not?

Holy sh*t! Dude, you're Claymated!

Ha-ha-ha. So are you!

So is he.

What's up, blood?

Dude, everything's Claymated!

F*** you!

This is great!

No, it's not! How am I supposed

to get a tree now? I'm made of clay.

Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.

What the hell...?

Yah!

- Clay c*cks!

- Put your cock away.

Dude, relax. It's gonna wear off soon.

Dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

What the f***?

Don't worry, nothing bad

ever happens in Claymation.

Whoa!

Sh*t!

F***!

Dude, look out!

Come on, let's hide...

...in that tree.

Dude, come on!

Aww.

Hey, little guy.

Just wanna take you home

and cuddle with you all night long.

You hungry?

F*** me!

Mommy!

Hold me!

- Roldy!

- Kumar!

- What the hell's the matter?

- What are you doing?

- Rosenberg.

- Goldstein?

We were doing last-minute shopping

with my boy here when we saw you...

...tearing that snowman a new tuchus.

You are gonna catch your death...

...of cold out here.

Let's get you a nice meal.

Is there somewhere we can eat?

This is why I tell you not

to have people over.

Every single other person

got out of here except for us.

- I knew you'd bring that up.

- You grabbed me.

You said, "Come with me

if you want to live."

- Man, I don't think that's okay.

- It's fine.

It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.

I'm on cocaine.

I'm addicted to cocaine.

Yo! Idiots!

I want you to find...

...the men who violated...

...my daughter...

...and I want you to f***ing kill them!

- Still hits the spot.

- I know, right?

Oh, I almost forgot. Harold,

my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.

So me and him, we're not gonna...

...be able to make your party.

- I'm so sorry about that.

- It's okay.

There's not really a... We should get going.

We got a Christmas tree emergency.

I don't understand what it is

with you people and your trees.

For us Christians...

...the tree is a very important

part of our holiday.

Okay, don't start with this. All right?

Just because your wife made you convert

doesn't mean you're not a Jew!

His name is Seth Goldstein.

For Christ's sake!

First of all, don't ever take the Lord's...

...name in vain. Secondly...

...I was baptized, b*tch!

The second the priest...

...poured that holy water over me...

...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred

just washed right off.

Sounds like you're enjoying

your new religion.

Dude, it's the balls.

These dirty Jew bastards have...

...no idea what they're missing.

Fishing! Hunting!

I tie knots on a sailboat.

I made terrible investments...

...doesn't bother me a bit.

And guess what. Next week...

...I have an appointment

to get uncircumcised.

That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.

Guys, I'd love to stay and chat

but I gotta go get this tree.

Christmas tree! Christmas tree!

It's glorious. Isn't it Christian?

Great to see you guys.

- See you, guys.

- No, wait.

Excuse me!

You still owe me 87 cents

for that jalapeo cheeseburger!

Ah! Guess that holy water didn't

wash everything off, now did it?

God, that tree is perfect.

Let's go check it out.

Tickets, please.

I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.

They sold out months ago.

- But...

- Step aside, please.

I said step aside.

Sh*t.

You know what? F*** it,

it's almost midnight. I give up.

You can't give up yet.

Look...

...I have an idea on how we might

get that tree out.

- What?

- It's not gonna be easy.

But this may be

the last chance we've got.

Here's what we do.

First, we need to steal some tickets.

Then I slip off to the side

and take out the archbishop.

I head down

to the nuns' shower room.

I didn't know the nuns

all showered in the same room.

How do you think they stay so clean?

While the nuns are lezzing it out,

I'm gonna snag the key to the back room.

What back room?

The back room that the priests

are guarding. Am I going too fast?

- No.

- Okay, good.

You're in charge of distracting them.

How the hell do I do that?

That's easy, you'll just use

our secret weapon.

Pillow fight in the altar boys' room.

Last one there's a rotten egg.

Once the coast is clear, we use

the key to get into the back room.

I guard while you kill the power.

While everyone's trying

to turn the power on...

...you and I will get the tree.

We take it to your place,

and when Maria's dad comes home...

...and sees this beautiful tree...

...in your living room,

he'll jizz all over it.

What do you think?

Uncle Harold.

I think I see Uncle Harold over there.

What do you mean,

you see Uncle Harold?

Baby?

Oh, sorry, sir.

MR. PEREZ:

It's okay, baby.

They all look alike to me too.

Ha-ha-ha.

F***! Midnight Mass.

Is it midnight already? F***ing midnight!

Running out of time.

Wait, wait, wait!

What the hell are we doing?

Hold on. What the hell's going on?

He almost spotted us!

I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.

But why are you making

such a big deal about this?

Because it is a big deal.

Who gives a sh*t what

your father-in-law thinks?

I give a sh*t what my father-in-law thinks.

You wouldn't understand.

No, dude, I don't understand.

You got a great job, you make good money,

you don't beat your wife.

What more could a Latino

father-in-law ask for?

- Well...

- lf I were you...

...I'd tell him to eat

a cockmeat sandwich.

You should not go through...

...all this just to make him happy.

You're right, I don't have to.

I want to.

I want him to be happy

because I want Maria to be happy.

Because what makes Maria happy

is what makes me happy.

Don't you get it?

I don't have to be doing this.

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