A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas Page #6

I wanna be doing this.

What the f***?

Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago!

We need all bodies on-stage!

Oh, my God, you guys aren't even

dressed? Jesus f***ing Christ!

You have the wrong people.

Wardrobe!

Go! Come on, come on, come on!

Shut up!

Ma'am, you seem like

a very nice person.

Go! Move!

F***ing actors.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

...without further ado...

...the man...

- Look at these firs.

...you've all been waiting for:

America's sweetheart!

Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Holy sh*t. Neil.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Dance.

What?

Blend. Blend. Blend.

Harold. Wait!

Don we now our gay apparel

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

Troll the ancient yuletide carol

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la

La-la!

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I'm tellin' you why

Santa Claus is comin'

To town

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

Oh, my God!

So be good for goodness' sake

Santa Claus is comin' to town

I played my drum for him

Pa rum pum pum pum

Then he

Smiled at me

Pa rum pum pum pum

Me and my drum

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a happy

New Year

Merry Christmas, everyone!

All right, that's a cut. Great job.

Great job.

I've just got a few notes, okay?

Just gonna come on the stage.

Oh, God.

F***ing tight jeans.

NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing

the heat, and you are bringing it hard.

You're a dream, but unfortunately...

...these backup blowj*b artists...

...are ruining everything!

I can run it again.

No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.

Go and get some rest, huh?

Make yourself fresh, okay? Ha, ha.

Damn it!

Hey, Gracie, chin up.

Happens to the best of us.

You up for...

...one-on-one rehearsing later?

- Wait.

You know my name?

Of course. You're doing great.

I thought we could work on a thing or two.

- In my dressing room, five minutes.

- Yes!

Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.

- I'll get changed and be right over.

- I'll see you then.

You really think Neil can

get us one of those trees?

After all we've been through

with that guy, he better.

No sh*t.

Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.

Hollywood Hearsay.

Is it true that you're replacing Regis?

It'll be tough between...

...How I Met Your Mother

and charity work, but we'll see.

Oh, wow. And you stunned fans

when you said you were gay.

How has this affected your relationship

with your partner, David?

Well, maybe this'll answer

your question.

So hot, NPH.

Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey. How about that?

Thank you. I love you guys.

Ugh. What did I tell you

about using tongue?

You wanted it to look realistic.

Yeah, realistic, not f***ing gay as sh*t.

The only reason I put up

with this homo crap is for the p-tang.

F*** this! I got a wife...

...and kid. I'm out of here.

Wait, man.

What about the stuff?

- What stuff?

- The stuff.

Give me the stuff.

This stuff?

Oh, yeah.

You'd like this bag of crack.

Wouldn't you?

Well, maybe I should give it

to someone else.

You know I got Fred Savage

on speed dial.

F*** Savage! That rock is mine!

Give it to me. Come on, David,

give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.

- Put money in my account.

- You got it. Done.

- And sing at my niece's quinceaera.

- All right, I'll sing.

- You can't f*** her!

- I can't promise.

- Fine.

- No! All right!

I won't f*** her!

Just let me have the rock.

Excuse me, Neil?

Oh. Oh, this is...

I can come back later.

- No! No, I'm heading out. Ha, ha.

- No, we were just... Hi.

Bye-bye, sweet pea.

- You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha.

- Always.

You guys are too cute.

F*** you.

I do love...

...that handsome man.

Thank you so much for this...

...opportunity to work with you.

Sure. Come on in.

What would you like to rehearse?

Oh. Nothing specific.

Just some general stuff.

You seemed tense.

I thought we could loosen you up.

Take your sweater off.

Oh, no, no.

For a massage. Heh.

David'll tell you,

these hands are magical.

Well, I don't really have

anything on underneath, so...

Oh, it's okay.

It's just a couple girlfriends.

Now take it off.

Okay.

Why don't you lay on the bed?

- Ow.

- Sorry.

Feels good.

Yeah, it does feel good.

I can't... I can't...

- Can I take this bra off?

- Um...

- It's okay. Girlfriends.

- Ha-ha-ha.

That's better.

Should we do something?

I don't know, I kind of wanna see

what happens next.

Feels good.

Oh, it's so hard.

This knot on your back is so hard.

Look, don't be alarmed...

...but I'm gonna squirt some lotion

on your back in about...

...35 seconds.

Excuse me?

- Shut up.

- What the f***?

Shut the f*** up!

Get the f*** off of me!

You like it rough? I can play that way.

God! I thought you were gay!

I am gay. Gay for that p*ssy.

Oh!

I don't know what sick game

you're playing...

...but touch me again,

I'll rip your dick off!

Morty, Kumar, long time.

It's Harold, actually.

Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.

Come on, have a seat.

How long has it been?

You two look great. Have you lost weight?

Is that Hugo Boss? I love it.

Well, thanks. Listen, um...

Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?

Shut up!

God, I hate this...

...f***ing PancakeBot thing.

Dude, it's a WaffleBot.

They're awesome.

WaffleThing.

Get the f***...

...out of my life!

Ouch.

Anyway...

...what can I do for you,

my burglars of turd?

Time-the-f***-out.

How are you still alive?

Yeah, how the f***?

What are you talking about?

We saw you get shot.

You have to be more specific.

In that whorehouse.

In Texas.

You branded a prostitute.

Remember?

Oh, yeah!

Now I remember.

It hurt like hell...

...at first.

And then...

...everything faded away.

And I went to heaven.

It was exactly...

...like I imagined it.

Saint Peter was there...

...to meet me.

Whoa. No way!

- NPH?

- Yup.

ST. PETER:

Make room! Make room! VIP!

The chicks were hot.

The music was sick.

There were lasers.

It was like being famous...

...in the early '90s. I was about to...

...get my drink on, when I was...

...interrupted by some dirty hippie.

Neil Patrick Harris. My man.

I'm sure you recognize me...

...but I'm Jesus. So...

Jesus...?

Jesus Christ. That's me.

I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.

Hey, ladies.

Neil Patrick Harris.

I played Private Carl Jenkins...

...in Starship Troopers.

Wow.

I love that movie. Cool, cool. Awesome.

Let's get shots.

Keep the party going.

- Who's in?

- Shots.

So, girls...

Aw, come on.

How did that happen already?

Give me the phone to Dad.

- This is God.

- Daddy?

We need to 86 NPH ASAP.

He's getting a handjob in my club.

Jesus, what a cockblock.

Doesn't explain the gay thing.

You're not gay, motherf***er.

At all.

That's a little something

we magicians call "misdirection."

Little trick I learned...

...from Clay Aiken.

- What?

Clay Aiken's not gay?

Clay's the biggest coozehound I know.

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