Abbott and Costello Go to Mars Page #3

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Hey, you!

Take a look up there. What'd you find out?

Take a look.

Hey, there's a girl. Go over

and talk to her. Should I?

She won't hurt you. I'll

ask somebody else. Okay.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

Will you not join me

in a cup of coffee?

You speak English up here. Of

course, we all speak English.

Mmm,

your costume is wonderful.

Are you going to join us

in our party in honor of Rex?

Who's Rex?

Rex is king!

The king, he's the man I want to

see. There will be a big crowd.

But if I cannot see good,

I will raise my head higher... so!

If I cannot see that way,

I will turn my head

this way this way... so.

Jules! Jules!

Come quick!

A glass of wine!

He is faint.

Lester.!

Orville!

Lester! Les! Hold on. What's the matter?

All right. Take it easy. What? Hey, Les?

You-You-You talk to that girl

there, and her head goes higher.

Talk to her again, and... zip... her

head goes sideways. That's ridiculous!

Nobody can do that with

their head. I saw it myself!

Drink of wine? It will

make you feel better.

Don't give him wine.

Makes his head go 'round.

Mine too!

Aah!

Little man,

shall we dance?

You better go ahead

dance with her.

It'll promote our

diplomatic relations.

Why don't you dance with her? What,

and set our relations back fifty years?

Not, not...

I'll do my share.

Uh, may I have

this dance?

Be my guest.

No, thanks.

I don't care to dance with your

relations. I got my own over here.

Lester!

Lester, I broke the girl

in half. Look!

Now you did

get us in trouble!

Let's get out of here!

Whoo-hoo.

Mugsy, we gotta

wear these suits?

This thing don't do

nothin' for my figure.

I would like to ask you

one, simple question:

How many states are you

wanted in? How many are there?

Forty-eight.

That's how many.

That just proves my point:

You ain't safe in this country.

You know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna leave it. What?

It's as simple as all that.

Where are we goin'?

We're gonna hijack this rocket

ship and make them take us to Mars.

Ain't there coppers up

there? Not that I read about.

I am with you. First of all, we

gotta get walking-around-town money.

Where're we gonna get it? We heist a bank!

In these clothes? Didn't

I tell you it's Mardi Gras?

All the citizens are walkin'

around in funny-looking costumes.

We just walk in and the cops

won't even give us a rumble!

What are we gonna use for rods?

This popgun isn't any good.

Here. Get a load of this.

Did I do that? Sure! It's a ray gun.

It shoots paralysis rays.

You hit a fink with them and you

stiffen 'em out like a plank momentarily.

Later on he's all right again.

Flash Gordon

uses one of them.

Yeah? What mob does he run

with? He ain't with no mob!

You see him in the

comic strips all the time.

Oh! Come on. Let's put on our helmets.

We want to be back here

before them Martians return.

Listen, you're in a strange

country, so watch your step.

Look around.

I can always...

What's the matter?

I'm stuck.

I told you those shoes

were magnetized!

Come on, get up.

Get up!

Pick it up!

Ow!

Allow me.

Ow-ow!

Ahh! Ooh!

Can I help you, sir? This is a

stickup. Hand over all big bills.

For a minute I thought you

were serious. But I am serious.

Start sackin' up the loot. My dear fellow,

if you think you can frighten

me with a toy pistol...

Don't give us no trouble. Guard!

Okay, Harry, let's get the cash.

This is all we can carry.

Let's get goin'.

Thanks, pal.

Looks quiet enough

to me.

They must be having

their afternoon siesta.

Hey, Grogan,

what happened?

Grogan!

Grogan!

He's stiffer

than a new boot!

And he don't even drink!

What happened to them?

Find out.

What happened to you, buddy?

Buddy!

Police! P-P-Police!

What happened here?

We-We-We-We... We was invaded!

Invaded by who?

By two men from Mars...

with space suits and everything,

just like you see in the funny paper.

If you don't believe me,

ask Mr. Lucas.

What happened to you, Miss

Frances? Is y'all all right?

Mr. Lucas.

Wha... Wha...

What happened?

What's this about

two men from Mars?

The bank was held up by

two men in space suits.

If you'll call headquarters,

I can give a good description.

Gimme police headquarters.

Hello, headquarters,

Hartman reporting.

The State Bank was held up by two

men from Mars wearing space suits.

No, I'm not talking from a bar.

I'm in the bank.

Okay, I got it all down,

but I don't believe it.

Men from Mars in space suits.

Say, was there anyone hurt?

Was anybody hurt?

No. They shot us all

with ray guns.

Please, mister,

I can't tell him that!

That's exactly what happened and

it should be reported at once!

- Everybody was shot with a ray gun.

- Ray gun!

Get outta that barroom, you

gin-guzzling, whiskey-swiggin' rum hound!

Hey, now that we're here, how am I

gonna eat with this fishbowl on my head?

The Limburger

is excellent today.

That's just what I like!

Oh, waiter! Have you

got atmosphere here?

If it is on the menu, we have it. No.

Is the air here

the same as on Earth?

Our air is the same as anyplace

in the country. I get a menu.

Well, go ahead and take the

helmet off. Let's see what happens.

Hey, th-th-that's

strong atmosphere around here.

Are you sure we didn't

land on the moon?

Certainly not. Didn't you say

the moon was made of green cheese?

This is no rose garden I smell. Oh.

Ignore the atmosphere. We don't

want to antagonize these Martians.

Take off your helmet. We've got to eat. No.

Take it off!

Okay.

How was the Limburger,

sir? Oh, it was excellent!

Oh, thank you.

Here you are, gentlemen. Our food is

out of this world! So is the atmosphere.

Give me one of your native dishes

and a little wine. What will you have?

Bring me some chlorophyll.

What kind of wine? A small bottle

of Moselle, Bordeaux or Chambertin?

- What would you like to have me open?

- Open the window!

The window!

How do you like this one? It,

uh... It doesn't do enough for you.

It doesn't have enough "chick,"

like they say in French.

That's what you get for tryin' to peddle

merchandise what's got no "chick. "

Hey, I like this one.

Now you got some class!

You look like

the warden!

That's the nicest thing

you said to me all day.

Well, let us get the loot and be

on our merry way. I am with you.

This year's attendance has broken all

Mardi Gras records. The Crescent City...

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program

for a bulletin from the police department.

Two men believed by police to be the inter-space

travelers who created such havoc in New York,

and for whom

the militia is searchin',

are spreadin' a reign of terror

in the city streets.

Accordin' to the police, these men

are dressed in green pressure suits...

and are wearin'

transparent helmets.

I'll repeat the description. These men

are dressed in green pressure suits...

and are wearin'

transparent plastic helmets.

All police officers are under

orders to shoot on sight.

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