Abbott and Costello Go to Mars Page #5

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We must warn the Queen. Our

planet Venus has been invaded.

What kind of hot rod was that?

Allura.

Yes.

Captain Olivia, Flying Saucer

Patrol X-R-2, reporting.

A rocket ship model R-M has been sighted

on our planet. Patrols have been alerted.

Must've come from the Earth.

We discarded that model 20 years ago.

- See that its occupants are captured and brought to me.

- Yes, Allura.

Double the palace guard.

If our invaders should be men...

What does a man look like?

It's been so long, I've forgotten.

I haven't. Nor have I

forgotten that my man...

was the lyingest, cheatingest,

double-crossingest male that ever inhabited Venus.

And so were all

the rest of them.

But that happened

400 years ago!

They couldn't have changed.

Guards! Guards!

Corporal! Corporal!

Corporal! Corporal!

They've captured one of the invaders

right here in the palace!

What is it? I could be

wrong, but I think it's a man.

That's a man?

As I remember it,

they look something like this.

Although this seems to be

a pretty poor specimen.

Jerry, check with the patrol. See if

they've captured others. Yes, Allura.

Can I get up? Thank you. Go ahead.

He looks worse standing up than he

did lying down. Bow to the queen.

Bow to the queen!

Bow-bow!

Ow!

What do you want here?

I was lookin' for a policeman. I didn't

know this was a movin' picture studio.

You're a bit confused.

This is the planet Venus.

Oh, no. They were trying

to kid me before.

When I was in New Orleans, they were

trying to tell me that that was Mars.

And now that I'm on Earth, you're

gonna try to tell me that this is Venus?

Aisha,

beam the vis-a-screen.

That... That must be

the Earth, all right.

Harry is still practicing

his piano lessons.

I wanna tell ya. I'm really mixed up

around here. I'm mixed up all over.

All I've been doin' is flyin' up and

down, goin' sideways and backwards.

It's getting so that

I'm... I'm tired. I gotta sit down.

Look!

The celestial beam

of light.

It faded out 400 years ago when

men were banished from our planet.

Could it be a sign that men

are to return to us again?

Maybe it's an omen.

An omen?

- Omen?

- Oh, men!

Silence, all of you!

We've done well

without men.

Our science, art,

medicine and culture...

surpass that of any

other civilization.

We have discovered

the secret of eternal life.

We live in tranquillity

and peace.

Are we to destroy this

by bringing men back?

But the celestial beam

has crowned him king.

We want a king! We want a king!

Stop!

What can a king do

that a queen can't do?

Be the father of a large family.

All right, if you wish it,

you shall have a king.

- You mean, I'm gonna be the king?

- In a way.

What is your name, man?

Orville.

King Orville.

If you'll step into the king's quarters,

you'll find some of his old apparel.

Isn't it customary for

a king to have a bodyguard?

With you, I'm afraid the bodyguard

would have to have a bodyguard.

Now, run along and dress.

Yes, my Queen.

And thank you, my royal subjects,

all of my royal subjects.

Another subject!

- King Orville!

- Yes, my Queen?

Long live the King!

Thank you, my royal...

Oh, the king.!

Boy, if our minions of the law possessed

the feminine pulchritude that you girls do,

I would have no objections

to incarceration in the bastille.

If that is the same as being

pinched by a broad, I am with you.

Don't any of you

dare try to escape!

Don't worry, honey. That would

be like resisting an officer.

How do I look?

Delightfully revolting. Thank you.

Say, how about something to eat, Maybe,

could I get a nice steak, a broiled steak?

The preparation of food

that way is outmoded.

Food pills are much easier.

We have a pill for everything.

Oh!

She's 400 years old.

A 400-year-old kid!

Where did you

capture them?

In the spaceship. And this

one gave me quite a struggle.

That is evident.

I must talk this over

with the king.

He's the king?

Take them to the dungeon. Ah, my Queen.

Just take them two to the

dungeon. Leave my pal Lester here.

You, Lester, may remain with

us. Take the other two away.

Yes, Allura. Ain't you

gonna do nothin' about this?

Just a moment.

Ah, fair flower of Venus.

The sight of you makes my

lips burn for your kisses.

It kindles the fires of love

in my heart.

The flames sear my soul.

Squirt the hose on him. Put the

fire out and put him in the dungeon.

Yes,

O Mighty King.

Queen Allura, I'd like to

have you meet my pal Lester.

Are you kidding?

Ouch!

Ooh! Guards, guards!

Guards. Help, help!

Kiss my hand.

Now you know who's boss. Who's the boss?

You are.

Say, just a minute.

Would you mind tellin' us why

the queen put us in the pokey?

We ain't even pulled a job here

yet. Our queen distrusts all men.

400 years ago, she caught her

consort kissing a handmaiden.

She banished all men

from our planet.

You mean, there's all dames here

and just us four men?

What a spot for a black market.

What a spot for me to be king.

Look, if the Queen banished

one king for kissin' a dame,

it figures she'll do

the same thing to Orville.

You think them tights will fit you?

Listen, kid.

Here's what I want you to do.

I want you to get ahold

of all the rest of the chicks...

I must say, it's rather nice to

have a man around the house again.

Are you married?

Engaged?

Have you a sweetheart?

Do you go around with anyone? Lester.

Are you married?

No.

I've been lonely for so long.

If I could only trust you.

But with so many females, I fear

temptation would be too great.

You don't have to worry.

I'll let you trust me.

Queen Allura, there's an interplanetary

call for you on the stratophone.

Will ya tell 'em

we're busy?

What did you say,

Queen Allura?

I'll place you on your honor.

Walk this way.

Hey, what are you doing? Nothing.

Hold this.

Let me sit down.

King Orville!

I'll stand for no trifling,

King. Hold these. What are they?

Those are Venusian balloons developed

in our laboratory of cybernetics.

They possess

extrasensory perception.

Your slightest thought of a woman will be

transmitted to the balloon causing it to break.

Have no fear. I won't think of

another woman. See that you don't.

For if I return and find one balloon

broken, I'll know you've trifled.

And I'll cast you from the planet,

and you'll drift in space forever.

Just a minute, Queen.

What did you say they were?

Venusian balloons.

Venuza palooze.

Girls, go

to your quarters.

You better watch your step,

or you're gonna be a goner.

You're right. I don't want

the queen to get mad at me.

Uh-oh.

Gimme those balloons. Now you've

got nothing to worry about. See?

Gimme the balloons back...

before the queen hurtles me

through space. I've got an idea.

Put this glove on. It'll break

the contact. Are you sure?

Am I sure. Don't electricians wear

gloves to protect them from voltage?

You're right. I'll put this

in that hand. Same thing.

Put it in that hand.

Nothing can happen.

Now, I'll take a look at her.

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