Abbott and Costello in Hollywood Page #5

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He doesn't look anything|like the dummy.

The dummy's short and round,|and he's slim...

He's no good. It'll never match up.|Get somebody that looks like the dummy.

Yes, sir. All right, Joe.

Hey, you!

I got a little part for you.|You're dressed for it too.

Say, how would you like to make|25 bucks for yourself?

- Twenty-five dollars?|- Yeah.

- I'll have to ask my agent.|- Okay.

- He says grab it.|- Yeah... Well, come on.

Action!

Go ahead, start making love to me.

You know, your face is very familiar.

You're a very, very nice girl.|Too nice a girl to work in a place like this.

I know a girl that works in a place like this.|She knows a fella named Klondike Pete.

I hope I never see that bully again.

- Klondike Pete!|- I know just what you're gonna say:

"Frisco ain't big enough for both of us."|You're right.

Out of the way. Come on, get off there.

Get up. Come on.

Fine time to be playing games.

Mr. Kavanaugh's ready|to give Jeff the part.

If you'll agree to terms.

He'll agree.

- Yeah.|- And we'll all celebrate at Ciro's.

Look, there's Claire.

What do you say we start the party off|with champagne?

Oh, I just love champagne.

- Oh, waiter.|- Yes, sir?

Will you pick your feet up, you clumsy...

Pay no attention to him.|Two bottles of champagne.

I don't get it. She doesn't give me a tumble|and goes out with that Horatio Alger.

Aren't those two other guys|from the barbershop?

Yeah. Wonder what they're celebrating.

Well, Greg, I didn't wanna tell you this.

Kavanaugh's putting that kid|in your part in "Romance For Two."

- I thought you told me...|- I did. I did.

I even offered to pay his fare home.

- Have they signed the deal yet?|- Not yet.

Good.

I got some good news.|I Just put an order in for 180 phones.

All I'm gonna do all day:|"Hello." 10,000, 5000. "Hello."

Look, there's Mr. Kavanaugh over there.

Hiya, Kavvy!

- My friend.|- Sit down. Sit down. Just nod.

- One of my clients.|- Just nod. Just nod.

- What's the matter?|- That hurts.

- What hurts?|- The collar sticks in, and it hurts.

- Let me see.|- Just nod. Hold your head up.

- Hiya, Kavvy...|- Hold still.

Hiya, Kavvy. How you been?

Put that down.|What are you doing with that?

- Making an impression.|- Quiet.

- Kavvy... That's hot.|- What's the matter with you?

Hello, Dennis, Chris.

- Oh, hello, Greg. Sit down.|- Thank you.

Dennis, my agent's|been banging my ears...

...trying to change my mind|about that picture.

Oh, if you only would.

Well, I hate to cut the kid|out of a chance.

Look, I'm a businessman first,|a sentimentalist second.

I simply got to get this picture|started next week.

Frankly, I'm scared stiff,|gambling a million dollars on an unknown.

How about it?

You're a better salesman than my agent.

- It's a deal?|- Right.

- Ruth, would you care to dance?|- Love to.

Good. We're gonna trip the light fanatic.

- Fanatic.|- I'm gonna dance with my girl.

My, how you've grown.

When I brought you here,|you were a kid, that big.

- Abercrombie.|- Please. I don't dance with strange women...

My girl.

Like to take a whirl with the dancing|champion of East Des Moines High?

Well, I've always been|a hero worshipper. Let's go.

You mean the deal is off, and Jeff is out?

After all, I've got a big investment|in this picture.

I've got to protect it. You understand.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

It's funny how a town|can change overnight.

Yesterday I hated Hollywood.

Today I think it's the most|wonderful place in the world.

What? What did you say?

I said, I think Hollywood's the most|wonderful place in the world.

Jeff, would you mind very much|if we sat down for a minute?

No. Not at all.

We'd better sit down.

What's the matter, kid?|You look so gloomy.

You're down in the dumps.|Looks like you saw the check.

Don't worry. I'm gonna pay for it.|I'm gonna pay the whole business.

Champagne for everybody.|Come on, Buzz, drink.

- Come on.|- Abercrombie, please.

- What's the matter?|- The deal is off.

Don't worry about the check.|I'm gonna pay for it all by myself.

- What did you say?|- The deal is off!

Oh, good, good. The deal is on.

- On or off?|- Off.

That's what I thought you said.|"The deal is off."

We was gonna make you|the biggest star in Hollywood too...

...and now it's off.

I'm sorry...

- Buzz, you're not kidding, are you?|- It's off.

Just when I'm getting started in business,|I'm a has-been.

They can't charge me for that malted milk|because I didn't take any of it.

Abercrombie. Abercrombie!

Cigars? Cigarettes?

Would you like a shine?

Cigars, cigarettes.

I must have "insonominomina."

When you get insonominomina,|you can't sleep.

What's all this racket going on?|I thought you were asleep.

I can't sleep. I must|have inso-nama or something.

- It's catching too.|- What's wrong with you?

What's wrong? No diploma, no job,|no clients, no sleep, no nothing.

- You know what, Buzz?|- What?

I'm a failure.

Come on. Get with it, please.|All you need is rest.

- Rest?|- Certainly.

I've been trying all night.|It's already 6:45.

I haven't slept a wink.|Look at my eyes.

- They're not bloodshot.|- I have no blood.

- I'm gonna take some tablets.|- Don't.

- No, you don't.|- Buzz, don't.

They're sleeping tablets. Dope.

You wanna be a dope fiend?|Certainly not. You listen to me.

I'll take care of everything. There you are.

Now, you don't|want those things.

We gotta get up early in the morning,|take Jeff to the studios.

On your toes. Grab the bull by the horns.

No. What are you doing?

- Hey, wait a minute. You can't sleep?|- No.

I've got just the thing for you.|Don't go away.

- Well, pal, here it is.|- What do you got there?

"Go to sleep with Dr. Caswell Snide."

- Oh, no. I want to sleep alone.|- No, no, no, boy.

You just put this record on,|hop into bed...

...and Dr. Caswell Snide will do the rest.

You mean, this record|will put me to sleep?

Certainly. All right now,|just leave it to the record.

Don't worry about a thing.|You get in bed. Go ahead.

You all set?|What are you doing?

- Wait a minute. Not yet. Not yet.|- All right. Tell me when you're ready.

This record will do the works.

- Not yet.|- All right, get in bed. Get in bed.

Wait a minute. Look, I'll take this off|so it don't disturb you.

- Okay. Wait a minute.|- Tell me when you're ready.

- Wait a minute.|- You ready?

- Ready!|- There you are.

Now, I'll call around Saturday|and wake you up.

So you cant sleep, huh?

Well, Dr. Snide|will soon take care of that.

Now, relax that tired, weary body.

More.

More.

Just a little bit more.

Now, doesnt that pillow|feel nice and soft?

Why, of course.

Now, put your head deep in the pillow.

Deeper.

Deeper. Oh, ever so much deeper.

Isnt that comfy?

Now were ready for sleep.

Off we go to slumberland.

Slumberland,|with its fleecy white clouds so soft.

Now what's going on?

- What's the matter? What's the matter?|- Oh, Buzz.

- What's wrong?|- The record is beautiful...

...but nothing to stop it.|It just kept going:

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