Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion Page #5

---

Even if that girl

did get our message,

our chances of getting out

of here'd be 100-to-1.

101, 102,

103, 104...

105... And Axmann, there's a wise guy.

Brings us into this outfit

for five years. Five!

Five, six, seven,

eight, nine, 10...

But I'll find a way out.

I'm a pretty smart cookie too.

Two, three, four,

five, six...

What are you doing?

seven, eight...

The captain told me

to check the ammunition.

That doesn't mean to count

each bullet. Put 'em back!

"Put 'em back. "

Now you see?

You've scared the camels.

Come on,

we've got to quiet 'em down.

Seven... Ahh!

Hey, one of the camels are

gone. I wonder which one it is.

I think it's the one with the

humps. It must've been Sally.

She was the sweetest one of the

two. We've gotta look for her.

I ain't goin' out in that

dark desert tonight.

What was that?

It ain't no camel.

Oh, it's just

some kind of an animal.

We'll have to go out and look

for Sally. Come on. Not me.

I'm gonna stay right on this

spot. Nothing's gonna move me.

All right.

All of them?

All of them.

Good. I'll go back to headquarters

and report the casualties.

And tell them

how lucky I was.

Yes, how lucky

you were.

Uh, we'll never find her.

Maybe she went home to her

mother. What do you mean?

Dogs go home to their mother and

cats go home to their mother...

and when I'm a bad boy,

I go home to my mother.

Why couldn't camels do

the same thing? I think so.

Hey, we'll follow her trail right

into Algiers! That's a good idea.

Then when we get to Algiers, we'll go

down to the dock, take a boat and go home.

Good idea!

Now, stay on your toes.

What's the matter?

Come on.

Let's follow the camel

tracks. Now, watch out.

Bud.! Bud.!

Bud.!

Bud!

I can't see anything.

Lou, there's no need of

kidding ourselves. We're lost.

If we don't find water

soon, we're goners.

I'm not gonna make myself believe that

people die of thirst on a desert...

by not finding any water! I'm

not gonna make myself believe it!

I won't believe it!

I believe it.

But this is not gonna happen

to me. I'm gonna get some water.

Someplace on this desert there

must be a place to get water!

Water? Have some. Yes. Thank you.

How...

Hey, that skeleton asked me

to have a drink of water.

Easy, pal. It's only a

mirage. Don't crack up.

We'll find our way out of

here and find the patrol.

Look, how long can a man go

without water? I don't know.

Water! Water!

Lou!

Look, we're saved!

Give it here, Lou. Hurry up!

You hold the cup. Water

at last! Okay. Pour it!

Water...

Sand.

Sand.

Sand.

Look!

Lou.

Hello.

Lou, you've got to pull yourself

together. Give me a towel.

Men go crazy on the desert

following mirages. Oh, yeah,

but if you don't chase mirages,

how do you know they're mirages?

I mean...

Look!

I know, don't tell me.

I just saw a mirage.

I just saw a double-chocolate

mirage!

Don't feel bad, Lou.

It could happen to anybody.

It could even happen to me. Come on. Yeah.

Water.

Water!

Water!

Get your New York

Daily Record right here.!

Extree.! Extree.! Read all

about the water shortage.!

Extree.! Get your Daily

Record right here.! Extree.!

Hey, boy, what are you doing way out here?

Can I help it if they gave me a bad corner?

Extree! Extree!

Read all about it!

I'll take a paper.

I just seen another one. Bud? What?

Are you sure you haven't

seen any of'em? No. No, Lou.

But I told you, it could

happen to me too. I...

Look!

Lou! Lou!

It happened.

Hey, Bud! You're making

a fool out of yourself!

There's nothing there

but sand! Oh, Lou! Lou!

Nice, cool water! Come on in! Into what?

Bud, will you come up and

shake the sand out of your ears!

Lou, come on in!

It's nice and cool!

Look, cold water, Lou.

Nice, cool water. Look, Bud, go

like that with your hand. Go ahead.

Look, Lou! Look!

He don't know that's sand.

You poor boy.

You're cracking up!

Now, Bud, come out!

Let me help you.

Oh, boy.

How was it? Wonderful! Wonderful!

It really was?

Sure.

Bud. What's that? What? Sand.

Naturally.

Now, what's that?

Water.

Water!

Swimming!

Water!

Hey, Lou, when you get through

playing, I'll be asleep behind the rock.

Go ahead,

have a good time.

It ain't sand!

It ain't sand!

This is real water.

Oh!

Come, come, Saleem. You swill

water like a thirsty camel.

I am not drinking.

I lost my false teeth.

And we will lose our heads if we

allow any Legionnaires to slip through.

Bud.

Hmm?

Did you hear somebody

talking? Oh, nonsense!

First you're seeing things and

then you're hearing things. Relax!

At least we won't die of thirst.

I'm slowly starving to death.

Starving to death?

That's just in your mind!

It's imagination. You can

imagine you're starving to death,

you can imagine you're

eating a delicious dinner!

Say you're having soup,

a great big juicy steak...

I like spaghetti and meatballs. All right,

so you've got spaghetti and meatballs!

Mashed potatoes, peas, pie,

coffee! Chicken, chicken, chicken.

Chicken too!

Oh, boy!

Yeah. What are you doing? Chicken.

Put that down.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna get some water

and wash it down. Yeah.

Bud!

Yeah?

Bud! Yes, yes, yes? Now what?

Somebody was here.

Huh?

Bread! Now we can have

bread and water. Bread.

Oh, no! There's a lot

of fish in there, boy!

Fish. We're going to

have a nice fish dinner.

Oh, come on. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Hey, you like fish,

don't you?

I love fish, buddy boy.

I love fish!

Boy, are we gonna

have a feast.

Get a nice big fish now

and build a fire,

cook it to a nice

golden brown. Mmm!

Hey, I got one!

I got one!

Wait a minute. Get it up! Get it up!

Look at that baby. Hold still now. Okay.

There we are. There you are. We gonna eat.

Wash him off and clean him

up. I will. I'll get him.

I'll get some more. Take it

easy. I can't get this son of a...

He's a fresh

little son of a gun!

I got another one.

There you are, boy.

Clean it up.

That's the stuff. Now we're getting places.

Lou, Lou, Lou, stop splashing the water.

You'll frighten

the fish away.

Hey. Hey!

I got another one.

There you are, boy. What

a feast. Clean that up.

Come here.

Come on.

Hey, where are

the fish I caught?

I know where I got 'em. Where

are they now? Did you eat 'em?

Where are they? Hey, don't

tell me you threw 'em back in.

Oh, no. He got 'em. Who got 'em?

Some fish that went

to Painless Palmer.

What are you talking about? I'll show you.

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

Will you come up!

Not... again!

Why don't you

come up and fight!

What do you tease me like

that for? Hit it with a rock!

Hit him with a rock?

Give me a rock.

Help me with this big rock.

Come on, throw this right at him.

You're sitting on it!

What do you want me to do?

Hey. Oh, don't you wish this was a mirage?

- Well?

- Prisoners, Master.

Down on your knees,

you dogs!

Ah, yes, the Americans.

I remember you

from the slave mart.

It's a good thing

you didn't kill them.

He likes us.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes