About Last Night Page #7

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Look, Debbie. I just quit

my job. I'm not...

I'm relieved. I'm relieved.

Yeah?

Good.

So now we got two reasons

to celebrate, right?

Yeah.

Yep.

You want a beer?

Love one.

Cranberry sauce,

onions for stuffing.

Is Bernie coming tomorrow?

Because I should warn Joan.

I'll ask. I'm gonna

see him tonight.

You going out tonight?

Yeah, it's Trent's birthday,

we always go out.

I didn't tell you that?

No, no. It's fine.

It's a tradition, you know?

I mean, we do it every year.

We can still see our friends

outside of each other, right?

Of course.

Why are you...

Are we arguing?

No, we're talking.

You don't want me to go out?

No, do what you wanna do.

You don't want me to go out the

night before Thanksgiving.

No, baby. I'm just confused. Okay?

You said that we were gonna make

Thanksgiving dinner together.

It's my favourite holiday.

This is not a problem at all.

Tomorrow morning we will wake up,

we will whip up something special.

I'll make sweet potato pie.

Okay? It's still gonna be

your favourite holiday.

We're gonna do it together.

- Okay?

- Thank you.

- Are we making up?

- We weren't fighting.

- Can we make up anyway?

- Lay it on me.

Look. Look at all the doggies!

- Can I hold it?

- Of course.

They need good homes.

Baby, isn't he cute?

Yeah, he's adorable. Look at you.

You're a little Chewbacca.

This is our dog.

You wanna be our doggie?

- Our dog?

- Wouldn't it be great?

Walks in the park, snuggles.

Baby, you know, they chew stuff

up, they poop on floors.

You're just gonna let him kiss you

in the mouth, huh? Just, wow.

It's a lot of responsibility, baby.

Thank you.

What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- What happened?

- Nothing.

- Come on. Just tell me.

No, I just feel ready, but

you don't, so we aren't.

- It's cute.

- It's cool.

Cool.

Now we are arguing.

Hey, should we get a dog?

You talking about

collectively, as a group?

- I'm allergic.

- I like Rottweilers.

I'm not getting a dog. You wouldn't take

care of it, Trent, you're irresponsible.

What do you mean I'm not gonna

take care of it? I love dogs.

I'd be stuck cleaning up sh*t.

And I'm not cleaning up dog sh*t.

Debbie, the woman I live with,

is interested in procuring

an animal for us to domesticate.

Isn't she too busy

domesticating you?

Is it that bad?

Yes, it's that bad. Dude, your balls

are in your goddamn vagina right now.

Dogs are practise babies.

Don't do it.

I have an idea. How about

you get out of there?

I can't get out of there.

I live there. It's my place.

Wait, I got it.

Fake your own death.

Drop the Jew-bomb.

I'm not Jewish.

Details. Everything with you is

about details, Danny. Just lie.

Casey, put it on my tab.

Good night.

Hey, real quick. Before you go, sir.

Trent, that's your future.

Probably.

- Okay. Good night.

- Hey, be safe, man.

Danny, watch the bar for a sec.

I gotta put this highly

functioning citizen into a cab.

Yep.

Casey! You see me right here,

you couldn't choose me?

Putting Danny back there is like

putting a fox in a hen house!

The f*** you a**holes want?

- Let me get some 1800.

- Two beers.

I like that little towel over

your shoulder. Looks like a matador.

I learned the tricks of the trade

from the legendary drunks.

Hemingway, Bukowski, your dad.

My dad now.

Any job that lets me drink you guys

under the table is fine with me.

- I'm sorry, what did you say, Isaac?

- Is that a challenge?

- Possibly.

- Well, you know what?

I might just meet you

halfway, my friend.

Tomorrow's a holiday.

I don't have sh*t to do.

- Where do we hang these guys?

- Here, I got you.

Isaac, stop asking

dumb questions, man.

Let's do this.

Do it! You better f***ing do it!

F*** you!

Go, go, go, go, go!

All the way. All the way.

All the way!

- What time is it?

- Almost noon.

Sh*t, Deb, listen.

I'm really sorry.

Can you get the turkey out

of the oven? I think it's done.

What can I do to help?

You can take the turkey out

of the oven. I think it's done.

Okay.

And you can be unequivocally

supportive of everything I do

for the next 24 hours.

Oh, boy.

- Bernie!

- Hey.

Give me some. Happy holiday, boy.

Look at her ass.

Hey, this is my new love, Tracy.

I got you.

That b*tch looks like Tracy Morgan.

I got you.

Does she have my f***ing dress?

Let me get that. Gobble, gobble.

Did she just say, "Enchante"?

Come here, baby. Let me introduce

you to everybody else.

You didn't tell me she was coming.

Fellas, this is my new love, Tracy.

Tracy, meet the guys.

Nice to meet you.

She's not French. I can't take it.

Dude, how long y'all been here?

An hour.

- Thank you.

- Game's about to come on.

Go, boy! Go, boy!

This could be a good year for them.

This b*tch is on my last nerve, Debbie.

I swear. Here, take this.

No, I'll just get paranoid.

Right now paranoid would

be relaxed for you. Here.

I think her butt is fake.

It looks like a pad.

Do I seem different?

- You just had one hit.

- No, no. I mean, in general.

Well, it is a little weird that

everyone's having a great time.

Especially Bernie. And you're

acting like a rodent on crack.

Danny said he'd help, but

he got drunk last night.

So I had to do this

entire goddamn spread.

I'm definitely prettier

than her, right?

And I'm overworking myself and

not expressing my feelings,

and officially becoming my mother.

If this b*tch was any dumber,

you'd have to water her.

Oh, God, it's worse than that.

I've become the person who says things

like, "Officially becoming my mother."

Okay. Now you're officially high.

Give me that back.

I gotta go handle some sh*t now.

Danny. Can you make sure

people use the coasters?

Would you like me to enforce

this policy with an iron fist?

Whatever you think is fine.

Wait a minute. Baby?

Are you stoned?

No. Yes. A little. My forehead

weighs so much right now.

You know what? I gotta liven

this party up. Come here, baby.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to

take this time to make a toast

to Danny and Debbie.

Without them, we'd be celebrating this

holiday with binge drinking and weird sex.

Keep on drinking, people.

You could still get lucky.

Some of us have standards.

I'm sorry. What did you say, Joan?

Some of us have standards.

You know what's funny? Some of us are

living proof that if you get drunk enough,

those standards will

drop significantly.

- Obviously. I f***ed you.

- You f***ed what?

You called it f***ing?

I didn't call it f***ing.

- Don't treat me like some random chick!

- You better control it.

- No, you control it.

- Control it. You control it.

Stop it.

- You control it.

- Don't.

Excuse me, what is your name?

- I'm...

- Exactly.

No one cares. Because you are making a

brief cameo in a very tragic porno.

Joan.

You and I. We meant something.

You felt something, Bernie.

You cried during sex with me.

I challenge any man in this room not to

cry when they have sex with you, Joan.

Stop it. Okay? I don't

have time for this sh*t.

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