About Last Night Page #9

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Right. All right.

Oh, my God. No, this is not good.

Sh*t, f***. Jeez.

You know what? You should go.

That would just be better.

Someone wants to play hard to get.

You're crawling. Okay.

Come on, Dan-Dan. Give me a

chance to do right by you.

That's exactly what

I'm doing. Trust me.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, somebody else is telling

me something very different.

Yeah, don't listen to him, 'cause

he gets me in trouble every time.

Here is your coat and purse.

Here's cab fare.

You're gonna regret this when you've got

two kids and you're living in the suburbs,

but I wish you well.

Call me when you're feeling horny.

What upsets me most is not

that I had Alison over,

or that she wanted my

junk like never before.

It was crazy, dude.

But, you know, I have now become that

guy who cares about the damn coaster.

On top of that, I'm gonna have

to hear Debbie's mouth about it.

Let me tell you something.

I'd rather lick Pacino's ass

before I heard a woman's mouth

over some damn coasters.

You wanna lick my dog's ass, you might

want to pet him first, homeboy.

Boom! Suck on that, StankbudNYC!

Right between your eyes, b*tch.

What? What'd you say?

No, that's real funny.

You know what else is funny?

The fact that you haven't

seen a live actual vagina.

Yeah, I have. Sucks to be 13, doesn't it?

Whatever. Scoreboard, b*tch.

Hey, what am I supposed to do?

- What you're gonna do is play your side!

- All right, I got it! Stop yelling at me.

- Get in the bunker, Danny!

- All right! I'm in! Just relax.

What you gonna do?

Shouldn't love handle all this?

I mean, love and

your practise baby.

Seriously, you're like a gay couple

staying together just for the damn dog.

Pause it. Seriously, my phone.

Pause it.

Who you texting?

So nasty. Nobody. I just

gotta send something.

Hey, let me see, man.

What'd she send you?

Come on, man. Let me just

live vicariously, man.

Come on. I know you got

photos in there, man.

- She sent you pictures, didn't she?

- No. Dude, it's none of your business.

- Come on. Let me see.

- If I did...

- I can't let you see them.

- Come on. She got nice titties?

Yo, stop being weird. Seriously.

She got nice titties. I knew it, man.

Let me see the phone.

- Danny, you're freaking me out.

- Bernie, let me see your phone.

It's my phone! Stop.

I'm not letting you...

Danny, get off the phone, man!

The first picture's my dick.

- Where?

- Right there, man!

Give me my phone.

- Did you sleep with her?

- No.

- I'd rather you just tell me if you...

- I said, "No."

- Did you want to sleep with her?

- If I wanted to, I could have.

B*tch, did you just

send me to ignore?

Come on. I have earned a courtesy

ring through to voice-mail.

I miss you. Come out! Call me.

Sorry.

Wow. Are you serious

right now, Danny?

That was such an obvious

ignore button move.

Dude, where are you? Like,

you're officially MIA right now.

Come be a friend. Come get

sh*t-faced with your boy. Bye.

F*** him. Merry Christmas, b*tches.

To you and me. To us.

To a new year together.

Yeah?

You still grounded?

Tell the ball and chain to lighten

up and get your ass over here!

- Funny guy.

- It's New Year's, b*tch!

Talk to you later.

- Bernie?

- What's left of him.

- Everyone at the Broadway?

- Sounded like it.

Let's go.

Go where?

To the Broadway. Let's go.

Are you sure? We have this...

Yeah. You know,

we should have some fun.

I need some fun.

I'll walk Pacino.

Here, boy.

Hey, Danny!

- Over here!

- Bernie!

Come over here! I got

shots for you over here!

Come on this side! Hey, mother...

Look, I got it. I'm good.

I'm all right!

- What's up, man?

- What up, baby?

Here. It'll make you

all right. Come on.

- Yes, sir!

- Hey, Bernie!

Hey.

Hey, Deb.

Happy new year!

Slow down, man! What're you doing?

- Today's a holiday, baby.

- No, no, no.

I only paid for one. Hey.

- Danny. Okay, okay.

- Happy new year!

All right. Okay, slow down.

- Danny, I'm going to the bathroom.

- What?

I'll be right back.

I love you, too.

Hey, cowboy, what's up?

What, did you just get out

of jail or something, man?

Basically, yeah!

All right, look, slow down! Okay?

No, Danny. For real, slow down.

Danny. Danny, look at me.

That's like four in a row, man!

Come on! One more round! Let's go!

- You didn't drive?

- No!

You ain't gonna go and get all

crazy in here. Take this.

There you go. Right there.

- What is that?

- It's a hangover patch!

- Awesome!

- Okay!

Happy new year!

Debbie! Oh, my God!

I can't believe you're here!

This is so great.

I can't do this.

No, listen. We'll go, we're

gonna find Danny and then...

Danny just wants to

be with his boys.

I don't even know why I'm here.

This isn't fun any more.

So, we'll make it fun, Deb.

I'm done. Okay?

I'm calling a cab.

- This is gonna be my year.

- Right. Yeah.

Stop that! I don't like that. Stop.

Danny, I'm going home.

Wow.

Joan, you were right.

Your friend is boring.

Hey, don't call my friend

boring, dick-breath.

- Joan.

- Damn it, Joan!

- I was just joking.

- Okay.

Shouldn't you be arguing

with Bernie anyway?

I mean, that's what

you guys do best.

- Don't disrespect me. I'm not doing...

- What?

You gonna throw me under the bus?

Gonna bring it right here.

- For no reason.

- My bad.

Deb, listen, we just got here.

It's a party. It's a celebration.

It's New Year's Eve!

Are you coming, or what?

I really don't wanna spend

tonight of all nights

doing what we're gonna

be doing all next year.

Fighting.

That's my cue.

No. No, Debbie, no!

F***. F***, I f***ed that up.

F***ing wonderful, a**hole!

You f***ed that up, I'll be

the first to tell you that.

- I'll see you later.

- Yeah.

What was that?

They getting good at that

arguing sh*t, ain't they?

Yes, I mean, that was some legendary

Olympic 100-metre hurdle sh*t!

- Hey, we gotta step our game up.

- Absolutely.

- We gonna have to after that.

- Yeah.

- Nine, eight, seven...

- Here we go.

- Six, five, four...

- Deb! Deb!

Three, two, one!

Happy new year!

Happy new year.

Listen to me. I can't stand

your goddamn guts, girl.

It's the new year. Give me a wet kiss.

Let me get one. Come on.

That's what you do?

Was it wet enough?

It's just like your

damn nasty tongue.

Jerk.

- Happy new year, motherf***er.

- Happy new year, a**hole.

I'll be back tomorrow for

the rest of my stuff.

Please don't be here.

Honestly?

For a stupid New Year's

Eve party, Deb? Come on.

No. And you know it.

So why don't you just say it?

I'm not happy.

Yeah.

That's been completely

obvious since Alison.

Stop acting like I cheated on you.

I never cheated on you.

I didn't realise it was

such a sacrifice for you.

You think you're the only one who

turned down sex from their ex?

So you're not happy either?

Why should we still

try and do this?

Because I love you,

and just because sh*t is f***ed up right

now doesn't mean you stop trying.

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