Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie Page #4

OMG.

What, darling?

You're trending on Twitter.

Am I?

You're a hashtag.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, no, this is horrible.

Disgusting.

Oh, they hate you!

Who? Who?

Oh, there she is.

Here she is.

The fat woman!

Yeah, just do the toes.

Your fat little toes?

The fat little celebrity toes?

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Fat woman kills thin woman.

You don't know anything!

It was an accident!

Nothing about you is an accident.

May I suggest...

Fat Pink?

What are you doing?

Oh, here we go.

This is my therapy, sweetheart.

When are you going to

just for one moment...

take in the enormity of what has happened?

When are you going to

stop rolling through life,

wanting more and more?

Look at this house.

Nobody needs

a house this big.

I do.

You see?

Even your house is fat.

I'm on a diet.

You're always on a diet, Mum,

but you're always fat.

Mmm-hmm.

Because you never stop eating!

Mmm-hmm.

Now will you please...

just stop for one second

and look at what

you've done?

Yes.

Oh, I love that girl.

Your death threats, m'lady.

Like a bird on the wire

Like a drunk in a midnight choir

Everybody bloody hates you!

Stupid bloody drunk!

You mucky b*tch.

You filthy scunner!

You make me sick.

Like a worm on a hook

I'm innocent.

Patsy Stone.

But I am innocent.

Excuse me, guys.

I'm the victim here.

I'm Patsy Stone, but I am innocent.

That's it, Patsy,

lovely. Thank you,

darling.

Thanks.

Thursday.

Can you please shut up, darling?

I'm trying to do my Mindlessness.

I'm being trollied on Twitter.

Oh.

Everybody hates me.

When I was coming

in earlier, a woman

screamed at me.

What did she say?

She told me I was a pariah.

Do you know what a pariah is?

It's a fish.

That's right.

Flash, flash, flash.

Flash for Patsy.

Patsy, flash, flash, flash.

Ugh, Eddy.

You killed Kate Moss!

I've lost my job because of you!

And now I am nothing as well.

It's from Stella McCartney.

How many "Om's" have I given you?

How much money?

Where is my enlightenment?

Where is my nirvana,

you stupid, blue, buggering Buddha!

Om...

Om...

Ba-ding-ding-ding-ding,

cha...

Om...

Ba-ring-ding-ding-

ding-ding-cha...

Om...

Oh.

Sorry you lost your job, darling.

You're not nothing.

Cheers, thanks a lot.

It's the first thing

I've ever had from Stella.

Oh, Eddy.

So the little scrap drowned.

People will forget that.

They've forgotten a lot worse.

I mean, look at lovely Hugh.

He unzipped his chinos for

a prossie blowj*b

and we forgave him.

In fact, I think

we loved him a little bit

more after that.

She's probably popped up

somewhere, hasn't she?

Confused and shivering.

Poor little tiny wet Katie,

flapping about in the mud.

Washed up on the Isle of Dogs.

I mean, Eddy...

things float.

Yeah.

Yeah, things drift, and they float.

Why don't those

idiots float

something down the river?

Eddy...

if you want

something done,

you've got to do it yourself.

Yeah.

It's the right place and the right time.

What for?

Shut up.

Are you ready, Pats?

Ready, Eddy.

Ready for what?

Ah.

Go, drift.

Bubble?

Bubble!

Where is she, Ed?

I don't know. Bubble?

She swims too fast.

There she is. Go forward!

What is she doing?

Bubble!

Fish her out, the little insect.

Bubble!

Bubble?

Darling, she fell off.

Eddy.

It's okay, no one saw.

But, Eddy, they'll find her!

Then just go, go, go!

Go, darling, go, go, go.

Oh, that's great, isn't it?

Now I've killed two people!

Oh!

Come on!

Eddy, we've got to

get away.

We've got to go now.

But where?

I can't leave the country.

I'm a marked woman.

We could go north.

North?

What, south?

You know what we need.

We need money.

Darling, darling.

Listen.

When this is actually over,

and it will actually be

over one day, darling...

will you please just remind me...

to go back for the boots

I just saw

in Westwood window.

Eddy?

What is this?

Darling, it's a onesie.

Mmm-hmm.

I've got some pills.

Pills, pills, pills.

I've got some little blue

ones, little pink ones.

That little blue one.

What's that?

It's a button.

Maybe I should just resign

myself to my fate, darling.

I mean, I can't redecorate

my way out of this one,

can I?

You b*tch!

Eddy, we've got to escape.

We've got to get out of the country.

I have no money.

Why didn't you marry

some of those rich men

you slept with?

That wasn't the point.

There must be someone.

There must be someone, darling.

Think. We've got to make

a serious plan. Think!

We could try a bong.

I've got a bong.

Everyone used to die young

in old cavemen

historical times.

They didn't reach the age of 30.

That's why now,

everyone young

just wants to go so fast.

But at our age, you're lost, because...

we should all be dead.

Shouldn't we, darling?

No, Eddy, no.

It's very good to die young.

It is good to go young.

Yeah.

Oh, no, it's ash.

Oh.

Oh...

Eddy, there was Charlie.

Who's Charlie?

Charlie Douglas.

He had an enormous yacht.

Ah, he never married.

He said I was the only girl

he would ever marry.

He said he would wait for me.

Oh...

We had some good times.

We had good times and he was rich!

He was very rich!

Eddy?

Yeah.

Saffy's little birth blob has money.

Darling. We need Lola.

We need to take Lola.

Yeah, we need Lola.

I can hear everything

you're saying, you know.

Everything.

Are you looking for my money

so you can go find Charlie?

No, no, no, darling.

No, no.

Yes! Give us

your credit cards

and you won't get hurt!

Why should I?

Oh. Oh...

Because, darling,

now you listen to me,

all right?

I've messed up, I know that,

but that will happen to anybody...

who really lives life,

who really lives life, darling.

And I now know who my friends are.

Husbands, they come and go,

but my friend has stayed.

Why does she stay?

Because it's bloody good fun.

We have fun.

Good fun, darling.

And you know what?

There's so many great times

out there waiting for us.

And I don't want to miss them.

We don't want to miss them, do we?

Or would you rather stay here?

You know, with Mum.

Dull old Mum.

Or come with us, sweetheart.

Come with us. For fun.

Fine.

You'll need more than the card.

We can't just walk out of

the house in broad daylight.

Yeah, of course.

We need help. More help.

Who else would be

stupid enough

to help you two?

Huh.

Oh.

So what is Patsy's plan?

Just do what I do.

We sneak into the house

looking perfectly normal.

It'll be a nightmare

with all the paparazzi.

Excuse me! No!

No photographs!

No one's taking any photos.

It's as if they didn't know who we are.

Missed a

perfect opportunity. Get in.

No photos, no photos.

Come on, dear.

Police are urging the crowd to move on.

The flowers, offerings

of Hunter Wellingtons...

and bottles of Sauvignon Blanc

are proving a hazard to shipping.

Oh, for God's sake, turn it off.

We can't, darling.

We're drunk and have

eaten too many drugs.

As per usual.

Where's Mum?

What has happened to Kate Moss?

Where is she?

What in the world

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