Accepted Page #5

I'm not into guys.

I totally respect your lifestyle

choice, though. And good luck with it.

Your parents probably

don't get it, but I do.

I'll see you later, Monica.

Bye. It was good to see you.

I'll see you later, Thor.

I mean Dirk.

Uh, I mean Trent.

Sorry, Troy.

Whoop, sorry, Goldie.

Schrader, where you been? I've

been calling you for half an hour.

What the hell, man?

I'm in the middle of rush.

I don't care, man.

I got a situation goin' on.

This is huge for me,

all right?

You can't be here right now.

Okay, okay, okay.

Remember that time we had to

steal my mom's birth control pills?

Yeah, and then Lizzie was

born. It's worse than that.

Where did these people

come from?

Oh, from the chaos catalog.

They were going out of business.

What is happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

I told you to make the website

look legitimate, not functional.

Hey, you wanted to fool your

dad. And the guy's not an idiot.

And, also, it was your idea to put

"Acceptance is just one click away. "

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click

away, you don't make it clickable.

Oh, my...

Holy sh*t.

Yeah.

They all paid

first semester's tuition?

Oh, yeah.

10,000 bucks apiece.

I stopped counting

after the first 100 checks.

That's $74,000,000.

It's $1,000,000, Glen.

Yeah. In human dollars.

Okay, okay, okay.

We gotta do something.

Hey, don't look at me. Ask

one of the founding fathers.

B?

This isn't my deal, man.

I told you this was a bad idea

from the get-go.

True.

We could have

a Battle Royale.

Wow.

What is that?

B, you gotta

tell these people to go home.

You are absolutely right,

my friend.

I started this,

I'm gonna finish it.

Thank you.

Go.

Hey. Hey, Glen!

All right.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Excuse me. I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, everybody.

Can I... Can I just get your

attention for one minute?

Um, yeah, I'll be taking

questions in a minute.

Just give me one second,

please. Hold on. All right.

Who the hell are you?

Ah-ah. Okay.

That's a good question.

Thank you.

My name's Bartleby. Hello.

Um, Gaines,

for what it's worth.

And, um, you know

on the website how it said...

"Acceptance is just

one click away"?

Do you remember that?

We had intended...

Hold on.

We added that because we were... Aw, sh*t.

Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.

What... What... What do you want?

When I got accepted here...

...it was the first time my parents

ever said they were proud of me!

That's cool.

Um, that's cool, man.

Hey, uh, just show of hands, how

many people applied to other colleges?

Everybody. Uh, okay.

And how many of you got in to

the other places you applied to?

Nobody.

Nobody got in anywhere else?

And you know what?

I didn't, either.

I didn't get into

a real college.

A really, really good college.

I know what it's like

to be rejected. It sucks.

Rejection blows.

Being said no to.

You know what, I'm sorry, you're

just not quite good enough.

You didn't have

enough extracurriculars.

You didn't play enough tennis.

You didn't study hard enough for your

scores. So you're not gonna make it.

You know what? Screw that!

What's he doing?

I think

he's winging it.

Shouldn't we all have

the chance to be said yes to?

At South Harmon,

we say yes to you!

We say yes to your hopes.

We say yes to your dreams.

We say yes to your flaws!

So welcome!

Grab a room, grab a friend...

...grab yourself,

we don't give a sh*t.

Welcome to South Harmon

Institute of Technology!

Oh, man.

And welcome to S.H.I.T.!

You! I love you!

What are you doing?

Do you realize

how stupid this is?

You invited everyone to a

college that doesn't exist.

I... I just couldn't do it,

okay? You saw their faces.

They got rejected

from everywhere.

What... What kind of message does that

send if I reject them from my college?

You don't have a college!

Hey, hey, hey,

where's the bookstore?

Oh, we have a deal

with Amazon.

You just buy 'em

with a credit card.

When do we sign up

for classes?

Uh, we extended orientation.

You're fine.

Hey, man, where the heck

do we eat around here?

Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas.

Order them.

18 pizza pockets.

What? No, no, no. 3...

Hey, who do I give

my intuition money to?

Who? What?

Me, I guess.

I'm done fishing singles

out of my G-string.

I'm a college girl now!

Aw, yeah.

Wow.

Uh, B, hey, uh, you just

started a fictional college.

Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Hey, do you guys have

a swim team here?

Yes, you know what? This is Hands

Holloway. He's the Athletic Director.

He can help you with anything you

need to know. I can't do it right now.

Thank you, though, thank you,

I'm sorry.

Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do

now? I just need a minute to think.

What? What the...

Holy sh*t!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!

What the hell

are you guys doing?

What do you mean?

We're makin' the room bigger!

Yeah, Thorgeous,

but this is my room.

Who's in charge of room

assignments around here, anyway?

Guys, I'd like you

to meet Rory.

She is the resident S.H.I.T.

room assignmenter.

And she'll be more than happy

to help you out with that. Okay?

Okay, uh, I... I guess

I'll show you your rooms.

Follow me.

Thanks.

Sorry about the wall.

Oh, it's fine.

Don't worry about it, man.

It happens all the time.

No problem.

Yeah, well, we actually

do have a problem...

...because you don't know

how to run a college.

It's fine. It's okay.

It's fine.

We'll just relax, get some sleep,

we'll regroup tomorrow morning.

It will be totally calm.

Ahoy! Scallywags

and scally-ladies.

Okay, dude, B, I'm with you

on this, I am.

But we need a plan, dude.

We need a plan now.

I know. I know.

I... I... I... I'm processing.

You're gonna need

to process faster.

What is... Why are the...

Find out what's going on.

- Yo!

- Ah, there's my college man.

How you doin', kid?

Dad, now is not the... The...

the best time to talk.

Hang on,

let me get your mother.

Can I have this?

Come here, let me talk to you.

Diane, pick up!

Honey! Is it you?

Stop yellin'

in the damn phone.

Oh, it feels like ages

since we've spoken to you.

How's school so far?

Oh, it's going great.

It's going really...

Hey, someone here

order two dozen kegs?

The... The... The old guy

with the hat, playing craps.

What the hell

was that?

Sounded like he said

something about two dozen kegs.

Bartleby, are you

experimenting with alcohol?

Aw, no, no, no.

He said two dozen eggs, Mom.

You misunderstood.

Two dozen eggs.

What took you so long?

I've been building

a thirst over there!

Hey, listen, I'm not paying for

you to be making omelets up there.

Tell me what classes

you're taking.

Classes?

Uh, right. I'm taking...

Statistics.

And, uh, business...

...and anatomy.

- Anatomy?

- Anatomy?

Thanks, dude.

Bartleby, Bartleby!

Yeah!

Hey. I always wanted

to go to college.

Couldn't get in

anywhere, though...

'cause I was in the military.

Oh.

Beverage ops.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes