Accepted Page #6

I was snooping around,

saw something secretive.

Next thing I know

CIA swoops in...

...does this whole

brain-scramble thing.

Now I can't remember anything.

So do you have room

at the college for me?

You know what, we already

started the semester, I'm sorry.

That's cool, man.

Yeah.

It's just I... I got

my GI Bill...

...and I can pay you

all four years in advance.

Okay, you're in.

Yeah!

Yeah, welcome

to South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!

How's the processing?

I just have to figure

this whole college thing out.

Here at Harmon College,

we offer a highly structured...

...time-tested curriculum carefully

designed to stimulate the young mind.

So, Mr. Gaines, you're

thinking about transferring?

I don't know

about transferring.

My life is kind of, like,

a little weird right now.

But I just kind of

want to figure out...

...what all this

is all about.

Sorry.

A- And what college are you

attending right now? Sorry?

The college that you're... Oh,

it's down there. By the thing.

Pardon me?

I'd like to look around, if

that's okay. Uh, that's fine.

If that's what

you'd like to do.

Thank you. It was... It was,

uh, it was great to meet you.

Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

That's all right. No. You know

what? Leave them, leave them alone.

Leave it,

leave them alone.

And go on and take

your tour, okay?

A single rate of income tax

eliminates loopholes...

...allowances and exemptions...

...as well as

encourages payments...

...through use of

low interest rates...

...which theoretically

would cause...

...an economic boom.

Now if you would refer

back... Aw, sh*t. I'm sorry.

So theoretically

what I was saying was...

This guy's pretty boring.

Don't talk to me, man! Right,

this is gonna be on the midterm.

And my whole life is riding

on an A in this class.

This guy's...

EBITA!

What?

Earnings Before Interest,

Taxes and Amortization.

Good afternoon, students...

...and welcome, everyone

in the spillover class.

What the... What is this?

We'll begin today's lecture...

Okay, great, yeah. I'll see

you in the library at 8:00.

And I'll bring my notes.

Okay, see you then.

Bye, Monica.

Monica. Hey.

Bartleby. Hey, what, are you

stalking me or something?

Stalking's an ugly word.

I like to think of it more

like obsessively shadowing. Oh.

I'm thinking about going here,

so I'm checking out the classes.

Really? Yeah. Do you like all your classes?

Yeah. I mean, well,

I'm taking a bunch of classes...

...that I don't

really care about.

There was this one, though,

that I was dying to take.

But, um, I ended up not being

able to. But, you know, it's okay.

What was that one

that you wanted to take?

Uh, ph-photography. It's...

Really? That's cool.

Yeah.

What was the problem?

Well, see, there's this,

um, photojournalism class...

...but they said it's only

for journalism majors.

And then there's this

art photography class...

...but they said

it's for fine arts majors.

So my advisor said it would be best

not to take either one, or something...

...because certain

photography classes...

...don't apply

to a degree in photography.

Wow, that makes,

that makes no sense at all.

I know.

Um, but I'm really sorry.

I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for

my Ancient Roman History class.

It was good seeing you. Bye.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, uh...

I'm... I'm just saying, I

mean, is that what college is?

What were you expecting? A

renaissance of the human spirit?

American education

is in the shitter.

You know why?

Because people forget

the most important rule.

College is

a service industry.

A service industry?

As in "serve us," as opposed

to the other way around.

Look, you see

all these kids out here?

They all paid

to come here.

Right. They all paid for an experience.

What kind of experience?

The hell if I know.

I'm not a goddamn mind reader.

Well, maybe

I should just ask them.

Welcome to the conversation.

What do I want to learn?

Why are you asking me?

Well, I'm asking you, Glen,

because I have a hunch...

...that no one's ever really

asked you that before. Yeah?

Well, I like pancakes and

alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.

Okay, you know what, let's appropriate

the bulk of this man's tuition...

...to learning more

about the culinary arts.

Huh?

Food.

All right.

All right.

Rory. What about you?

Ever since nursery school,

every single waking moment...

...of every single day

has been scheduled.

So what do I want to do?

Nothing.

Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like

it. Hands, what about you?

Summer camp I made a paperweight

and won Camp Nagachewy's...

...coveted woodcarving award

and next day...

...ran a 4.6 forty and it's

been football ever since.

Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting.

Good, something with your hands.

Well, there may be

something in there.

You can think about that, and

then get back to me. All right?

Schrader, what about you? Well,

B, I'm glad you asked, actually.

'Cause since

we're going to prison...

I'm gonna learn how to carve

a shank out of my toothbrush.

Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell you

something, though.

All our lives we've been told what to learn.

Well, today the tide

is gonna turn, my friend.

Because today

we're gonna ask the customer.

What do I want to learn?

What do I want to learn?

What am I interested

in studying?

Huh?

What?

W- What?

Come again.

That's a good question.

No, really, come again.

I thought you were

supposed to tell us.

Please come again!

I want to meet girls.

Girls.

Girls.

Some girls!

Uh, girls.

I wanna rock!

You know, and roll.

Well, as you can probably

tell at this point...

...is that I really want to learn

how to slow things down.

More speed.

More vert.

Maybe something

with clothes, you know?

Putting them on,

taking them off.

I'm really good at that part.

You wanna see?

I want to learn

how to blow sh*t up with my mind.

Okay. Well, write it on the board.

Go ahead.

Okay, thanks. Okay.

All right.

Thank you, smiley.

Pleasure doing business

with you.

Yeah, buddy.

Taxes? I'll tell you

about that nonsense.

If you're rich,

the government'll protect...

...every buck you make

and every sh*t you take.

Kiki Dee.

Got a job for you, kid.

New school colors and logo.

You're in charge.

Really?

Don't screw it up.

I won't screw it up,

I... I won't screw anything...

What are you?

Health insurance, my ass.

They don't pay for sh*t!

You get sick on a Friday, they only

pay for Monday through Thursday.

You go to Dr. A,

they only pay for Dr. B.

You break your penis,

they only fix vaginas.

You mind if I join you?

Ah, cool. Awesome.

Thank you, that was great!

I'll see you guys later.

Okay, bye.

That's pretty, uh...

I know, right?

That's African

fertility sculpture.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

The wood speaks to me.

The wood speaks to you?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the new S.H.I.T. Line.

Thank you.

What is learning?

It's paying attention!

It's opening yourself up to this great

big ball of sh*t that we call life!

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