Accepted Page #9

I want lilac shirts!

I want visors...

...kind of tilted to the side,

with hair gel coming out of it.

I want to have sex with girls

that look like this!

You rock!

I know I do!

You do, yeah, you do.

Do I get hair gel now, or do

I have to go and buy my own?

Did you crack him?

No.

We'll crack him.

Sherman, do you know how long

that this fraternity has survived?

Yes, sir.

153 majestic years, sir.

That is correct. Because it's

based on the most sacred principle...

...that brothers can share.

Trust.

And seriously, bro, I'm...

I'm beginning to question...

...whether or not

I can trust you.

'Cause we know you been hanging out

with those freaks down at the loony bin.

So with your allegiance

being called into question...

I just wanted

to ask you just one thing.

Paddle.

That's actually not a question. Shut up!

Are you with them...

...or are you with us?

Decent party.

Okay, I'll give you decent.

Hey, where is Schrader?

He should be here for this.

I don't know. I haven't

seen him in a couple of days.

I hope he's not sick.

Okay. Quick, quick, quick,

everybody say "Cheers"!

Hey, "quick, quick, quick,"

get up in here.

No.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes. Come over here. Okay.

Gotta up

the gorgeous quotient.

Okay. Get ready and now.

Cheers!

Schrader.

Schrader, come on, open up.

What are you...

What the hell happened to you?

Nothing. Just a little ritual

bonding over at the B.K.E. House.

What?

What are you talking about?

They kicked my ass, until I

told them all about South Harmon.

Oh, sh*t.

They took my laptop,

the mailing list, everything.

Sh*t. Man, I'm sorry.

All I ever wanted was a

run-of-the-mill college experience.

But not me, right?

I can't have that.

Not me!

'Cause I'm too busy getting

the sh*t kicked out of me...

...and being an accomplice

to fraud!

Does the run-of-the-mill

college experience...

...include stripping you

of your dignity?

Totally humiliating you, making you

wear a... A... A frigging hot dog suit?

It's a tradition.

A tradition?

Yes. I got a tradition for you.

Schrader, you've been my best

friend since we were 5 years old.

That's the only tradition

I know.

I just messed up.

I really messed up.

How? What happened?

With Schrader.

I know Bartleby

is by the pool.

Oh, my God.

What is it? Cops?

Worse. Parents.

Mom! Dad! Great!

Hey, guys.

Bartleby! Hiya, kid!

Hey, oh, it's so good

to see you!

Oh, it's great to see you.

Ow. You look thin.

There's five good ones right

there for my college boy, huh?

Hey, hey, Dad.

Wha... What... What... What

are you doing here?

Well, Parents' Day.

What a wonderful idea on the

part of the college, you know?

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Parents' Day.

Of course.

Hello, everyone.

Now, welcome to Parents' Day.

And, uh, we're very glad

you could be here.

Um, we have a wonderful

guided tour planned...

...a- Around the grounds

and the campus...

Show you what we've been

working on all year.

So, welcome one and all.

Excuse me, everyone.

May I have

your attention, please?

Oh, sh*t.

I knew I smelled bacon.

My name is Richard Van Horne.

Oh, Van Horne, yes.

The... The dean of Harmon

College, our big sister school.

Give him a round of applause.

He's earned it.

Thank you for comin' by.

Great to see him here.

They are our

big sister school...

...and we are honored

by their presence.

Thank you for that nice introduction,

young man, but the joke is over.

Ladies and gentlemen...

South Harmon

Institute of Technology...

...is not the sister school

of Harmon...

...or of anything else,

for that matter.

More like cousins.

Thank you for coming.

It is not accredited.

Any...

Nor is it truly

an educational institution.

Is this true, Bartleby?

It is a sham, a fraud...

...that undermines the efforts

of real colleges everywhere...

...and I invite you

to confirm that...

...with the State Board

of Accreditation.

To all those students

who have been duped...

...good luck applying

to schools next year.

And to Mr. Gaines I say you will

be hearing from our attorneys.

Wow, Parents' Day. Man, I wish

I would have thought of that.

Oh, that's right, I did.

Oh, and by the way...

...if you, uh, if you see

that lease holder of yours...

...will you tell him that his

lease automatically breaks...

...when he's found

guilty of fraud?

Cool. Thanks, D.

Er, was it G?

That's right, it's F.

See you, F.

Guys, I can explain.

Mmm-mmm.

You have done some stupid

things in your life, Bartleby...

...but this...

You get your stuff together.

You meet us in the car.

This is unconscionable.

Ridiculous.

Hey.

So...

...none of this was real?

That's not true.

Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.

Monica.

Sorry, man.

It's cool. We tried.

Have you completely

lost your mind?

Guys, the state defines

a college as a body of people...

...with a shared common purpose

of a higher education.

Well that's us, isn't it?

I mean, you know, with the word

"higher" kind of loosely defined.

Uh, yeah.

He's completely lost his mind.

No, no. Listen,

all we have to do...

...is go before

the state accrediting board...

...with a licensed administrator,

and just present our case.

B, look, let's just cut

our losses, okay?

What are we

talking about here, huh?

We're talking about

a stupid piece of paper.

I mean,

if a stupid piece of paper...

...is what's gonna

make us acceptable...

...then let's go for it.

Why not?

'Cause you gotta remember, it's

not just about us anymore, okay?

It's about everyone

who went to South Harmon.

Ah, great speech.

I was inspired,

I felt inspired by it.

Thanks a lot,

I'm... I'm taking it on tour.

What are you doing here?

Aw, I don't know. I had...

I had to pick up some stuff.

Some sage. Eggplant.

Olive oil. Some Funyuns.

Wait a minute.

Come on!

You're the one that applied

for accreditation, aren't you?

Well, someone had

to do it, you know?

We all can't live

with our heads up our asses.

I disagree.

I... I don't get it, man.

You said you didn't wanna

be a part of this thing.

I didn't want to have

anything to do with it.

I wanted to be the fourth generation

of Schrader to go to Harmon.

But then I realized...

I would much rather be the

first generation of Schrader...

...to go to the South Harmon

Institute of Technology.

I said it, okay?

I said it.

So you're saying...

...you're saying

you want to be a S.H.I.T. Head?

I'm sayin' I want to be

a S.H.I.T. Head.

I wanna be a S.H.I.T. Head.

Yeah, man, well, it's good

to have you back, buddy.

Yes.

Yeah!

Yay!

All right,

so we're doing it.

Thanks to this S.H.I.T. Head,

we got a hearing set for Friday.

Don't sweat it, kid.

I'm all over it.

All right, please remember,

Ben, this is serious, all right?

If this doesn't work,

I'm going to prison.

Oh, don't worry, you're

young. Your butt can take it.

Hello, sir. Um,

we're from South Harmon.

We have a 3:
00

in Hearing Room A.

Okay, actually your meeting room's

been changed to the Grand Hall.

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