Ace Ventura Jr: Pet Detective Page #4

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so we can stop the guy who stole Ting Tang

and save my mom before she's sent to prison!

Um... OK.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Are those from my mom's garden?

- Nah.

Shut up.

Right this way, folks.

Stick together.

OK.

You are all in

for a very special treat -

the rarest, most complete

tyrannosaur skeleton in existence.

It has an estimated value

of $100 million.

Uh-huh.

Do not touch it.

- $100 million?

- You wanty ourfish back, y ou're hot?

"Or not?"

Don'tworry, this plan is gravy.

Every body, stay close.

We're on a tight schedule.

- Oh, a T. Rex. Cool.

- I'm sorry, sir. No pets allowed.

He's my Seeing Ey e dog.

He's facing backwards.

And y ou're not blind.

I can see again! I can see!

It's a miracle! It's a miracle!

- Sir. I mean it, y ou...

- Fine. I'll take him off.

I'm so sorry about all this.

- Make him stop doing that!

- He's a dog, it's a bone. Do the math.

Wha...

Oh. Oh, jeez. Oxnard Hueneme Carpinteria Ventura,

y ou get back here right now!

Sir, that is a priceless skeleton

unearthed in the Bad Lands...

Please!

This thing's lasted millions of y ears.

- It's going to survive alittle doggy love nibble.

- (crunch)

May be not.

Oh!

OK. OK. I told y ou itwould work.

Now go. I'll meety ou in the dinosaur cavern. Go.

Security!

- (man) Have y ou seen alittle kid run past here?

- Come on, let's go!

- A-Plus, are y ou there?

- Affirmative. This is so cool. Now I have twwo friends.

Let's starta band. Do you play an instrument?

I used to play the bagpipes,

butmy legs are too skinnyfora kilt.

Come on! I'm in the office and it's really freaky in here.

Tell me what to do.

Ohhh! Argh!

(man) Don'tlet him get away!

He went this way!

(man #2) That's him!

Aaargh! Oh!

OK. Your program's running.

- Oh, one otherthing.

- What?

In my instant messenger,

can I move y ou from "Contacts" to "Buddies"?

- No.

- Can I puty ou on my fave five?

- No.

- My Space add?

Denied.

Butwe're friends now, right?

Sure, A-Plus. We're friends.

And y ou're a girl, right?

Duh.

So I can call y ou my girlfriend, right?

Ewww! Not!

Fine, be thatway.

- (man #1) There he goes! There he goes!

- (man #2) Get out of my way! No, I'm going first!

You...

OK, it's finished.

(man) He's over there!

Beep beep!

- Copy that.

- (man) Come here, kid!

Come here!

(men shoutangrily)

(man) Owwwww!

Argh!

Jeez! With the sneaking up on me, OK?

- Mission accomplished. Where's Ox?

- Well, I don't know. He's alone wolf.

- You're putting that bone back.

- Fine.

(man) All right, he's in the tunnel!

Give me a flashlight. Let's go! This way!

Whoa!

(man) Stay where y ou are!

Fan out.

Do y ou Heely?

(# "Anthem"by Zebrahead)

- Shall we?

- Let's do.

Fun time's over.

Go!

Hey, that's my girl!

Goty ou!

Goty ou! (whistles)

Vmonos!

- (Laura) You're not gonnalet him keep that?

- I'll put it backlater. Good job, Ox.

Where are the kids?

Where did they go?

Which way?

Bunch of idiots!

Oh, man.

Herfinancial situation is dire

and, as the bears' keeper,

she has ready access

to the panda house at any time.

The agency's skilled forensics team

has concluded

that the only fresh footprints at the crime scene

belong to Mrs. Ventura.

I object!

Excuse me.

Who are y ou?

Ace Ventura Darrow Hutz Junior, Esquire,

of the following lawfirms

- one minute -

Dewey, Fleeceum & Grab,

Wiley, Little & Weasel,

Shakem, Down & Hard,

Cheap, Ambulance & Chaser,

Imontha, Take & Lovitt,

Ben, Dover & Grunt,

and the non-profit Mater Innocentus.

My mom is innocent.

Your Honor, I represent the defendant.

Your Honor, this is ridiculous.

He's a 12-y ear-old behavioral case

and the defendant's son.

This is a bail hearing.

Character is pertinent.

Continue, y oung man.

Ow, that must have hurt,

and it's only gonna getworse. Pay attention.

- Thank y ou, paralegal Laura.

- You're very welcome.

(Ace Jr. Fartss)

- Come on, Your Honor!

- Pardon me, Your Honor. My bad.

- Thank y ou, pretty paralegal Laura.

- You're very welcome, Mr. Esquire.

Come on, boy s.

Drop it.

(gruntss) OK, I'm good, I'm good.

The only footprints thatAgent Hollander

and his personal CSI - Complete Stupid Idiots -

found at the scene were...

(breathless) OK, alittle help.

It's getting really heavy, bailiffs. Please!

And let me remind y ou,

y ou're under oath!

- I'm not.

- I want the truth! You can't handle the truth!

Be seated, y ou maggot,

immediately, if not sooner!

Anyw way, the only footprints

that Ranger Blockhead found in the habitat,

besides my mom's shoeprints,

were panda prints.

The average panda weighs 352Ibs,

with a body mass index of 21.34.

At overfive feet in length,

the panda has slightly offsetweight distribution.

They use a thumb-like

sesamoid bone for stability,

and would create

a 5mm-deep footprint.

But, as y ou can see,

these are 2.3mm-deep footprints,

that I just created

by adding 75Ibs to my weight.

A man weighing 183Ibs would indeed establish

a print depth of 2.3mm.

We are looking for a 183Ibs man, not a...

Mom, how much do y ou weigh?

- 110.

- You wanna be free or not?

- 135.

...135Ibs woman.

If the footprints don'tfit,

y ou must acquit.

(applause)

- Order! Order!

- (Ace Jr.) Thank y ou, thank y ou!

That's Ventura with a V,

as in victory.

I plead for acquittal, Your Honor.

Game, set, match.

Cut, print, moving on, and scene.

Let me get this straight.

You trespassed on a federal crime scene.

Or y ou're just making all this up.

Um... Well...

It's a hypothesis.

A theory, if y ou will.

Well, that's terrific, tiger. But, listen, right now,

the grown-ups have to send y our mommy to jail...

unless someone else wants to put on

a Halloween costume and vandalize the courtroom?

(laughter)

Order!

I'm sorry, y oung man.

It's an interesting theory, but this case involves

an endangered species, international relations.

Bail is set at $500,000.

Melissa Ventura, y ou're remanded

to the custody of the state of Florida.

Ace, where did y ou get

all that information?

- You promised y ou wouldn't...

- But Grandpa said...

- He carries around a dead dog, Ace.

- It's not dead, it's just sleeping.

I thought I could help y ou solve the case

by finding Ting Tang or something,

but no one believes me,

not even y ou.

Of course I do.

I just don'twant to lose y ou.

- Like y ou lost Dad?

- Yeah, like I lost Dad.

I realize now that no matterwhat I say,

y ou're gonna be who y ou are.

I wanty ou to know the truth

abouty our dad.

I just didn't talk about him

orwhat he did because I...

I didn'twanty ou

to follow in his footsteps.

What happened to him?

He was on a case.

Using an ultralight plane, he was leading

a flock of disabled Canadian snow geese

back to theirwinter breeding ground in Miami.

They said that he got disoriented,

and he vanished from radar

somewhere over the Bermuda Triangle.

Oh, Ace.

Time is up.

Gotta gety ou on the bus.

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