Admission Page #7

Your lawn jockeys are just outstanding.

Aren't they fun?

And now, with a special performance

for Nelson on his big day...

performing the act that

won him honorable mention

at the New Hampshire state championships,

put your hands together,

put your hands together,

for Jeremiah Balakian!

I want to dedicate this performance to Nelson.

Happy birthday, pal.

Honorable mention?

I thought you said he won.

He was robbed.

This is my other friend, Ren Descartes.

Say, hello, Ren.

Hello, Ren.

How are you, Ren?

I think, therefore I am.

Did you say you're pink,

therefore you're ham?

Do you have any advice

for a young man, Ren?

Whatever you do,

don't put the horse before Descartes.

Hey, do you guys want to

see Descartes philosophize backwards?

I think, therefore I am.

Oh, God.

That's terrible.

What was that?

Come on, that showed originality, depth.

Are you kidding me?

Here, from the Island of Misfit Toys,

we bring you Jeremiah Balakian!

Are those birds?

Those are doves.

For the party?

No. You know, my mom has a dove room.

Uh, by the way,

I know that wasn't a perfect showcase,

but he can't pretend to be somebody he's not.

Yes, he can. You should try it sometimes.

It's how humans behave here on planet Earth!

I know how humans behave on planet Earth

because I've actually

lived a few places on planet Earth.

Wait! God. Here, help me.

Aren't you ready yet?

I'm lighting them as fast as I can!

Hurry up! Do you like the cake?

It's very patriotic!

Nelson's idea.

Ow, how many frigging candles

are on this cake?

Oh, fifty. You know, it was my mom's idea.

Polokov was looking at Jeremiah

like he had two heads!

Well, that's his problem, isn't it?

Look, I want Jeremiah to go to Princeton,

because he wants to go to Princeton,

and I actually think he'd do great there,

but if he doesn't get into Princeton,

if he gets into another school,

well, that's fine, too,

because where you went to school,

and what your background is,

that is just a box, and I reject it.

I reject being put into a box, okay?

- Hi.

- Hi, Mom.

- How did it go?

- It was good.

Mr. and Mrs. Balakian? I'm Portia Nathan.

- Oh.

- I want to say thank you so much

for everything

that you have done for this boy.

You're wonderful people.

Uh, she's from Princeton.

Oh!

Well, you're welcome.

I love you.

Okay.

Uh, bye.

Portia.

What are you doing here?

I want to come live with you.

Why in God's name

would you want to live with me?

Because you're a normal, boring adult.

I bet you'd take me to Chuck E. Cheese!

What makes you think I'm so boring?

You just are. It's good!

At your age, you're supposed to be boring!

I am the same age as your dad.

Tell him that!

- Hello.

- John, it's Portia. I have Nelson.

- You do?

- He's fine.

- He is?

- Yes, he's fine.

Thank goodness.

Nelson, you know how much

I love this statue, right?

Yeah.

You rode a horse three days through.

Outer Mongolia in the pouring rain,

living off of mare's milk to bring it back.

That's right.

And I've dragged it place to place,

across the world, ever since I was 22.

That is nothing,

nothing compared to how much I love you!

Please don't scare me like that again.

Why? You do it all the time.

Hide out in cars?

Run away!

I'll never run away from you.

And going across the world

and helping people is not running away.

I know,

but why can't we ever just do what I want?

Because you are a kid, I'm an adult,

what I say in this house goes!

This parenthood thing.

Oh, it's a disaster.

So I hear.

I'm screwing it up.

Am I screwing it up?

You're asking me?

I don't know, it's just,

Nelson and I have always traveled.

I wanted to give him the kind of life

I didn't have as a kid.

I wanted to give him

the opposite of what I had as a kid.

But, now, all of a sudden

he's turning into my mother.

He plays bridge. He listens to Lite FM.

He asked for a blue blazer with gold buttons

and anchors on them for Christmas.

Does your mom wear blue blazers?

No, that was my father.

How is it possible?

What am I doing wrong?

At least you're trying.

I mean, there's so many

different kinds of parents.

There's no one best way to do it.

Or so I've gathered with my vast

experience reading personal essays.

Speaking of which,

I have 15 essays to get through tonight. So...

Right. Yeah.

Well, thank you for bringing him back.

Of course.

So, you really are leaving, aren't you?

Um, in a month and a half.

I thought...

Let's just not think for a while.

Great.

Hey, Portia?

Yes.

Are you going to be my mom?

What? No.

I'm just messing with you.

Right. Go back to sleep.

Guess you're not so boring after all.

- Good morning.

- Hi.

Did you stay over?

Too long of a drive back to campus?

- I slept on the sofa.

- Ah.

So did your mother.

We did not make it all the way to the bedroom.

I didn't need to know that.

Interesting.

Unique, I would say.

Oh, really, that's enough information.

The boy. Jeremiah.

- Oh.

- The ventriloquism, weird. I liked it.

I will write a recommendation.

Thank you!

Thank you, sad lady!

Mom?

Mom?

What are you doing here?

I wanted to tell you something.

I know, you slept with that guy, didn't you?

I did.

Then we both got lucky.

Yeah. He's leaving.

It's okay. It's good.

It is good. You don't need

any commitments right now. It's perfect.

No.

Honey, I'm exhausted.

That old Russian guy, uh, gave me a workout.

Just take a nap. Just for a bit.

Actually, I gotta hit the road.

Next victim!

Good luck with the fencing finals, Sebastian.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Thank you so much.

- Hi there!

- Hi.

This is Jeremiah Balakian.

Good to meet you. Are you Mr. Balakian?

No, his parents couldn't make it,

I'm his teacher.

Yeah, you look like a teacher.

You might want to tuck that in, son.

So, Jeremiah, why don't you

come in my torture chamber,

we'll have a chat and you can tell me

why you want to go to Princeton.

I rowed crew, class of '81,

a lot's changed since then!

Hey! This kid, he's terrific.

Yeah, great.

No, I mean, he's authentic.

He doesn't want to just go to Princeton

to meet future business partners.

He loves learning for the sake of learning.

That's what it's about, isn't it?

Right.

Why don't you

go get yourself a cup of coffee?

Yeah. Great. Thanks.

Prick.

- Excuse me?

- Hmm.

I just called you a prick. I'm sorry.

Don't take it out on him. That's my own thing.

That's not very nice.

I know.

So, Jeremiah, tell me about yourself.

Uh, myself, as in...

You mean in relation to my soul?

Or do you mean myself, like,

as a unified person, like,

the source of consciousness,

or do you mean myself, like...

Like as a narrative center of gravity?

How bad was it?

I'm not supposed

to discuss alumni recommendations.

It was that bad?

Well, can we get him

a second alumni interview?

I'm afraid not.

Tomorrow,

the committee meetings begin, and...

Look, I gotta go home and get some sleep.

It's the last chance

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