Adventures In Public School Page #3

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- Whoa!

Okay, uh,

wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,

wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!

Uh, I don't know.

That's... Mmm, okay.

I knew this would happen.

I mean, if I'd had a girl,

she would stay with me forever,

like, even after

she got married.

But a guy like you, meet a girl

and then you're gone.

- What? That's not true.

- Yeah, it is true.

Grandma warned me it was gonna

happen, and she was right.

Grandma, that's not true.

Mom, you're my best friend.

I love you infinity.

- That's a long time.

- Yeah, it's the most.

It wasn't

until the next day

that I realized in that one

minute between 1:44 and 1:45,

right near the southwest

handicapped bathroom,

we would pass each other.

Hi!

Every day.

Hello.

Hey!

Hey!

Whoo!

Are you... Can I ask?

- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

- We haven't really talked about this.

I just feel like you're

moving so fast already.

Are you thinking about

sleeping with her?

Oh, Mom! I mean,

Grandma's right here.

She's eating.

She's not listening.

- Grandma, you want a fire truck?

- Yes, dear.

Okay, so, are you

thinking of sex?

Yes, honey.

- No, Mom, I'm talking to Liam.

- I mean, no.

No, I mean, I was sort of

thinking about touching her leg,

touching her leg at school is

sort of like a legend, so...

Liam, I'm not stupid.

No one celebrates virginity.

I mean, we should.

- High five!

- Right?

Yeah! Now, I know I'm a mom,

but I know you boys

think about it,

I change your sheets, and I know the

pressure you put on yourselves,

but listen, I mean,

you guys have gone so far

already that I think, you know,

I think she might be...

-a bit of a whore.

- Whoa!

- I mean, I hate

that I had to say that.

You know, I think maybe I should

eat lunch in the cafeteria.

So you can have lunch

with the one-legged girl?

Well, it just doesn't seem

like a lot of other moms

are here with

their kids at school.

That cafeteria serves

homeless-person food.

I'm adding years

to your life here.

Well, I just feel like maybe I should

eat lunch with the other students.

If you were having lunch with

a guy, I'd be fine with that.

You'd be fine if your mom

was dude-dating?

Yeah, yeah, I would.

I mean, if he was

a nice gentleman.

- Okay, but-- - I'm not

allowed to have sugar.

No, you can have sugar.

I don't care. Makes you

grumpy-pants, but... Whatever.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna stealth out of the

car and you're not gonna be able to see me

'cause I'm gonna be

so stealthy. Ninja.

Liam, you left the door open!

God damn it!

Ugh! Dang it!

Ugh!

Oh! Hey, Maria.

I actually just

called you last night

and I got some Spanish

Antonio Banderas guy.

- Is that your dad?

- No, that's probably Maria's number.

- Oh, yeah! Right. I didn't--

- Spanish, yeah.

I don't speak Spanish,

so I didn't...

Didn't occur to me, yeah.

Oh! Uh, shoot, I better go.

I have to say hi to a girl.

Yeah, me, too. Oh, hey!

One second.

I actually

do need your number,

your mother's number.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay, now,

I can call this nu...

I can speak to your...

- To your... Your dad?

- Nope, just my mom.

F*** yeah! Okay. Yeah,

it's just procedural stuff.

I figured out

that at 1:
58 p.m.,

if I cut through the gym

to the east hall,

I would pass her again,

get one more hello.

Oh, hey! Deja vu.

- Hey!

- Hey!

Hey!

You ready to go home, bucko?

Actually,

I have badminton practice.

Badminton? What? But you've done the week.

We said one week.

Yeah, the badminton team

needs me.

Sanchez. Bad.

So I'm just gonna

go practice after

and then maybe just

a few more months of school.

A few more months?

Are you joking?

I just maybe feel

like I needed to adjust,

and then I'll rewrite the exam

and I'll double-ace it,

and I'll go to Cambridge and

I'll study with Stephen Hawking.

It's just a little bit of

badminton at school. It's fine.

Jump in the car

and we'll talk.

Well, I have to practice

right now, like right now.

But the... It's fish Friday!

- It is?

- Well, it's Friday.

- Well, what kinda fish?

- Rainbow trout.

No, I... Sorry,

I gotta go to badminton.

Sorry, Mom. I love you.

Bye, save some for me.

What are you doing here?

Badminton. You?

Badminton.

Where'd you get that?

- Over there.

-lt's game.

- When... What?

-lt's game.

- What do you mean?

-lt's lingo.

- Lingo for the game?

- No, lingo for the racket.

The racket is game.

Who are they?

They're the angels of death.

- Liam?

- No, this is Mr. Kelly, the principal.

Uh, Listen,

I know your boy, Maria--

Liam. His name is Liam.

ls he okay?

Right. Yeah, of course,

he goes by Liam at home.

Yeah, no, he's fine,

he's okay.

Uh, like, I understand him staying on.

You know, off the record, um,

I'm single, and, you know, I remember

the other week you came by and you,

uh, over by the trophy case,

you were asking me

if I was impressed

with your homeschooling

and I just wanted to say,

"Yeah, I am."

What?

lam. Hello?

- Is that...

- Uh!

Uh...

Mmm-mmm... Hmm...

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Oh!

Maria, I swear to God.

Come on!

- Nice game, Maria.

- Hit the showers, boys.

Yeah, right.

I shower alone.

Ah! I'm like

the moon or something

slowly moving away

from Mother Earth.

3.87 centimeters

a year, actually.

It's a thing. It really is.

Thanks for the fish.

Yeah, sure.

I love you infinity.

- Hey.

- Okey.

I hear you loud and clear,

and I know why you wanna

stay at school

until the end of the term.

You're rebelling

with a capital R,

and I think it's a good thing, a necessary

thing for our success at Cambridge.

So let's do it now together

and get it out of your

system before university

in a safe and

responsible way, okay?

Do what together?

RebeL

Your rebellion.

I want you to have friends,

teach you your

teenage rebellion.

Just when I think I know you,

you surprise the living

bejesus out of me.

Thank you.

Why is it weird to say

my mom's cool

and she's my best friend?

- It's not weird.

- No, it is.

At school, moms aren't cool.

They should be.

I love you.

Beep boop,

my little robot man.

Oh, beep hoop.

You power down now.

You got work tomorrow.

- Beep boop, mmm.

- You're still buzzing.

Beep hoop, oh!

Okay, brainstorming.

What are outlets

that teens rebel with?

- Liam.

- Swimming after I eat.

I think you could think

a little bit bigger.

- Mmm.

- Liam.

Um, not wearing pants.

Mm, how about

staying out late?

That's good.

With girls.

- Ooh.

- Skipping school.

Ooh. Uh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Uh, swearing.

Bingo, bango. Yes.

- Getting my nose pierced.

- No way. No way.

That is permanent. Why don't

we start with swearing?

Go ahead. Say the big one.

D*cks.

Why would you say that?

Say the big one.

The "F" one with the...

F***.

- What?

- F***.

I didn't quite hear you.

- F***.

- So weird to hear you say that.

- Okay, say it again.

- F***.

- With conviction!

- F***!

- Like an afro singer.

- F***!

Now point to that book

and say, "F*** off, book!"

-"F*** off, book!"

- Yeah, do it again, uh...

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