Adventures In Public School Page #4

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- F*** you, uh, chalkboard.

- Yeah!

F*** you, chalk.

F*** you, chair.

F*** you, table.

F*** you, highlighters.

F*** you, pencil,

f*** you, red pens,

f*** you, black pens,

f*** you, blue pens.

- And f*** you--

- No, don't you effing dare.

No, "F" for fail.

Sorry.

I forgive you.

Now that word is also a verb.

Liam, I can see it written

all over your face

and there is no easy

way to do this.

When I say "Trojan,"

what is your first thought?

The ancient city of Troy,

Hector and Achilles,

the Greek and Trojan soldiers

famous for their bravery

in battle and their

seven-layered ox-hide shields.

And sodomy.

So the Trojans are still

very much alive today.

They are living in there.

Think of that as

a one-layer latex shield.

Who would go into battle without one

of those on their penis, right?

- Right, that's a good point.

- Okay, so...

I want you to practice

in here alone in the dark.

I'll be in the kitchen

if you need me.

Oh, hello, Anastasia.

You see, I have

this condom here.

I was wondering if you'd like

to have intercourse with me.

Oh, you would?

Great.

- Mom?

- Yeah.

Eight seconds.

I don't know what

happened, but eventually her...

Hello!

...turned into...

- Hey.

...which then became...

Until finally...

We were a 110%

off each other.

Wow. Crazy.

Oh, frig! Oh, frig!

You look like

you need a hug.

No, no, no, I'm not allowed

to touch the students.

But you definitely look

like you need a hug.

Come with me.

Let's talk about your future.

So what did you say

this was called again?

Astronomy.

Astronomy. Astronomy.

I don't see astronomy in here,

but I do see massage therapy.

Yeah, I was thinking

more astronomy.

Yeah, but you could

get your certificate

in eight months

and you're done.

Okay.

Besides, you look like

a massage therapist.

Do you know how good that is?

You get to touch people.

I can't touch anybody here.

I'm just saying,

you gotta keep your

options open, you know?

You know, a few years ago,

there was a kid who did

a string of B-and-E's.

He got sent to the state pen

for three years.

But he fast-tracked

a sociology degree for free.

I'm not saying that's the

route you need to go,

but something

to think about.

You know, my whole life,

all I've wanted

to do is astronomy.

All right.

Why don't we do this?

Why don't we take

our personality/job test

on the computer,

and see what that says?

Okay.

Hey, that... The guy

who did the B-and-E's

and then went to jail,

uh, what did he become?

At a party, do you interact

with everyone, few, yourself?

Everyone.

Yourself, C.

Do you walk with big steps,

varied steps, little steps?

Big steps!

Little steps.

When meeting new people,

do you introduce yourself,

wait to be introduced,

be silent?

You introduce yourself.

Be silent.

Ugh, why can't I

be the guy who picks A?

Oh,

look at that 'stache!

Okay, Liam, it is... It is the

easiest thing in the world

to entertain a woman.

Honestly, you just

ask her questions about herself.

Get her talking.

Pretend I'm Anastasia, okay?

You're not Anastasia.

You are Liam, I'm Anastasia!

- Comment on my looks.

- You look like my mom.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

Do you wanna talk

about my... my smile?

You have a nice smile.

It makes me smile.

Do you wanna say something

about how I smell?

You smell like my mom.

Well, your mom smells good.

Look, Anastasia,

don't you think

it's a little a bit weird

that my mom

is on a date with us?

No, I think that you

have a very cool mother.

Yeah, who has a loser

for a son.

Liam! What are you doing?

Something I should have

done a long time ago.

- Maria.

- Oh, great.

I got your personality

and job match back.

Good news!

You know, some stories

have a sad ending.

This one, I believe,

is a very happy ending.

Massage therapist,

just like I thought.

What's wrong?

Come on in. Sit down.

- It's your father, isn't it?

- No.

- What did your father do?

- Nothing.

It's okay.

Those are tough questions.

It's a girl thing.

It's a girl problem.

I have a problem with a girl.

Oh, it's a girl problem.

See this cup?

This cup is you.

- Okay.

- Sweet, precious, gentle.

It's got a heart.

Do not share your cup

with someone

unless you're ready

to have it smashed.

Now put it back together.

I can't put it

back together.

Hey, kid!

You want some candy?

- Mom? Hey!

- Come on.

I got some good sh*t in here.

- What are you talking about?

- Come on, kid, get in the car.

You're being weird.

What are you? A p*ssy?

P*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, P*SSY,

p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy!

All right.

I can't believe you got

in the car so quickly!

- What if I was a pervert?

- What? You're my mom.

- What is that?

- Weed.

Okay, now you're bound

to get pressured into it

at some point,

so let's just try it now

in a safe environment.

Well, where did you--

where did you--

Where did you get this?

Where-- ls this a...

This is a test.

This is a test.

- No. Say "no" to drugs.

- No, no.

No, honey, it's not a test.

This is a-- This is

a supervised first try.

It's called a "hotbox."

You get, like, a little bit

of a better high,

because it's like

you're in a box.

You serious? Yeah, I know.

No, I know the physics of it.

I just don't know the ethics.

Are you...

You shouldn't sm--

Ooh!

It's burny.

It's Bernie Sanders.

Are we gonna get--

Um, are we gonna get

caught or busted or...

No, you're with me and Grandma.

Here, take a hit.

Is it indica or sativa

or ruderalis?

I don't know.

Well, they have

different THC levels.

Well, go ahead and hurry up

and hit it.

I don't wanna get caught.

What do you mean,

get caught?

I thought this was...

I thought it was prescription.

- Grandma?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, it's legal for her.

- But not for us?

Technically... Technically, no.

-- Oh, my God!

He scared me.

Hide that. Hide the joint!

Hide the joint!

- Hey, hi.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Principal Kelly!

Wow! It definitely smells

like marijuana in here.

Yeah, Grandma's arthritis

is a real knock-out.

- Oh! Hi, Grandma!

-lt's Grandma.

Yeah. Look, I'm no

disciplinarian, okay?

- Thank God!

- I just play one for work.

- So, I'm fun a guy.

- Yeah.

Um, listen, I wanna just...

We got disconnected before

and I would just love

to cook you kebabs

at my place.

It's a great view,

if you're into that.

Um, maybe some wine,

if you like.

Maybe a mutually-

agreed-upon kiss,

if you are into that.

Okay. No. Um, look,

I-- I should be clear.

I have very strict rules

about not hooking up

with teachers

at my school. Right.

- But anyone outside ofschoolofageis".

- Mm-hmm.

...fair game, and you're

your own school,

so you're fair game.

I sort of have a rule

about dating my son's...

My son's...

My son's principals.

- So...

- Yeah.

You guys drive safe. Okay.

Bye!

- Holy buckets.

- Holy buckets is right.

That was totally cookadoo.

But I think he didn't know

we were high.

- Oh, my God!

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