Adventures In Public School Page #5

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- What?

That's her.

That's Anastasia.

- The girl with the limp?

- Yeah.

- What the heck?

- She's our neighbor?

How have I never

seen her here before?

You are so much more

handsome than that guy.

She's gonna flip out

when she finds out

you're on

the badminton team.

- No.

- Do you wanna smoke any more?

- No.

- No, thank you.

I'm pretty high now.

Oh, crap. It says,

"Do not drive or operate

any heavy machinery." Oops!

All right, mate?

Good night, penis breath.

Oh, I'm such a loser.

Maria, you got no shot.

Okay. Girls, they just...

They just date d*cks.

Love guys who

treat 'em like d*cks,

and girls just love d*cks.

Then I'm gonna be

Anastasia's dick.

Well, then you gotta make

a bold dick move, man.

- You know, show her you can compete.

- Yeah.

- Girls love that sh*t.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Wait...

Uh, you mean like kiss her?

- Well, did she try to kiss you?

- No.

- Mmm. Did you see her bobos?

- No.

- Have you ever seen bobos, Liam?

- Yes.

- You're full of sh*t.

- No, I have!

- Hey.

- Hey-

- I'm gonna go to bed.

- Okay.

- Good night.

- Good night.

That's absolutely

disgusting,

but hot at the same time.

You know, your mom

is really hot.

Like she could be your sister.

God, I'd play

all 18 holes of that.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, what's their problem?

- Holy f***!

- What? What?

Uh, Maria Sanchez is dead.

The day Maria died...

was the best day

of my life.

Suddenly everyone treated me

like I had died,

but I never felt more alive.

Hey.

I'm a total dick.

Do you know I never said

a single word to Maria,

but now I kinda feel like

because of you

I get the chance to change that.

God! I love you, Maria Sanchez.

I'm s-- sorry, Maria.

Most people didn't give

a sh*t about Maria.

I mean, Aisley sure as hell

wasn't her friend.

I guess it's like nobody

really cares until--

You lose a leg.

Yeah.

Um, I'm gonna be

right back, okay?

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Oh, God, ew!

Bold dick move.

You gotta do it.

You didn't cut him up?

Uh, no, I didn't have the heart.

Hey, you live in

Greenwood Street, right?

Yeah.

One sec. Sorry.

Fire alarm.

My mom and I practiced this at home.

Follow me.

Fire, fire, fire,

fire, fire, fire!

- Rum.

- Rum.

Rum Tum Tugger.

I know. It's rummy.

Mmm.

- Mmm.

- What? ls it skunked?

I think it's gone bad.

I don't think it's bad.

Mmm.

Gross, but the least worst.

Oh, God, honey,

I love you,

but that is

a p*ssy drink.

- Oh, that's perfect!

- No. No.

Like bad p*ssy,

like you are the p*ssy.

So wait, I get... We wanna get

the p*ssy, not drink the p*ssy.

I mean, yes,

but what I meant by p*ssy

in this situation is,

is that it's wimpy. Wimpy.

So drinking a wimpy drink makes

you wimpy and then wimpy...

Wimpy guys don't

get the literal p*ssy.

If we're gonna

talk anatomy,

-can we talk about balls?

- Sure.

- Balls of steel?

- Mmm-hmm.

I mean,

who came up with that?

My balls are like tiny little

grapes, sensitive, weird.

It's like a metaphor or--

Are there men with

actual balls of steel?

Not afraid.

All right. Have your key

and everything?

Yep, got it all. All ready to go.

Here we go.

Okay. Here we go.

- Ooh! - Oh, man! What was that?

- That's probably a flat tire.

- What?

Yeah. I'll probably just have to

carpool with Anastasia today.

I was... Wait, well, wait. I'll just...

Honey, I'll just change the tire!

Are you sure it's safe to ride

with a peg-legged driver, Li--

Yeah. No, it's gonna be fine.

Whoa!

Huh, almost lost my legs.

I didn't see you

there, Maria.

I got a flat tire.

I've got five bucks for some gas money.

Carpool?

- Yeah, okay.

- Cool.

I love you.

I should let you know

that in a few months,

I'll be leaving

for England.

I'm gonna study

astronomy at Cambridge.

So you should

probably know our time is short.

- Stephen Hawking.

- Okay, thanks.

Yeah. I'm a horoscope

junkie, too.

I read it and then

I will it true.

Don't tell me,

you are a...

I wanna say Libra, but something

in your eyes tells me...

- Virgo.

- Pisces.

Mmm. That's too bad,

I'm a Leo.

- Not compatible.

- Nuts.

Those 14 minutes

in Anastasia's truck

to and fro school

was my life.

Everything else faded away.

Hey, you know, every song,

every good song,

all you pretty much need

are the words

"woman," "love,"

"heartbreak," "beautiful."

You know what?

You're totally right.

And the word "sex"

a few times.

Some guys had

dinner dates, movie dates.

I had the carpool date.

That's cool. My treat.

Thanks.

Did I just see a picture

of a girl in there?

Oh, no, that's nobody.

Liam?

ls that your girlfriend?

Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is.

It's my girlfriend.

Oh!

Score, Liam.

- Yeah.

-ls she hot?

- Oh, man!

- Let me see.

- No, she's just--

- Let me see.

Let me see.

Let me see.

- Isn't that your mom?

- Yes, it is.

So, Mr. Astronomy,

tell me my future.

You're a Leo. I see a lot

of sunshine in your future.

And?

I mean, you want me to tell you

that everything's gonna be fine

and that

anything's possible.

But that's not

really true, is it?

I mean, women have less opportunities

than men. They get paid less.

White men have way

more opportunities.

Mom!

Mom, grab my hand!

Mom? What are you doing

outside the window?

Mom, you're slipping!

I can feel you slipplng!

Mom! Oh!

Like, I mean, you've lost something

that everybody else has, your leg.

- Yeah, I know.

- So you know no fear.

You know anything

is possible

and I think for you,

anything is possible.

I think you're gonna

be an astronaut.

An astronaut?

Wow! That's a lot more than

my daily horoscope said,

all it said was

I was gonna get lucky.

Do you wanna touch it?

- Oh, my God, yes.

- Okay, then touch it.

The cancer started out here

and it was extremely rare,

like three-people rare.

And then all of a sudden,

it was here.

I hate cancer.

And they finally decided

to cut it off here.

- Thatsucks.

- And it's all gone, for now.

And I think that

sometimes--

Yeah, I think sometimes

things happen for a reason

and sometimes I think things

happen that just suck.

And the voice

in my head is like,

"Well, what are

you gonna do now?"

I don't know why my inner

voice is so manly.

But I can still do

everything, you know?

You know, run, swim,

sex.

Earthquake, Maria!

BDC needs a ride today.

- Hey, hottie.

- Hi, cutie.

How much?

I'll do anything for a ten,

more for a 20 though.

- Uh?

- Let's go.

- Hop in, Maria.

- Okay.

Freezing my tits off.

BDC, stop calling him!

Paging Maria

Sanchez to the office, please.

- May I help you?

- Yeah, I'm Maria Sanchez.

No. I'm Maria Sanchez.

And just like that,

Maria was back from the dead.

- Hablas espafiol?

- I mean, I can count to ten.

- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco--

- Yeah, I get it.

I can read Braille.

But you can see.

Yeah, I can see.

Huh.

Sorry about the confusion.

I guess it must have been

a bad rumor, you know?

It turns out she was

never even sick.

She was on an exchange with

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