Adventures In Public School Page #6

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another student from Brazil.

I mean, it was all filed, but

this place is just... Ugh!

It's probably on the old comp.

lfiljustn.

Mmm, nope.

Yeah, so what does

that mean for me?

Not good for you,

but for me, good.

You know, now that you're no

longer an official student here,

I can go on the record that I am

actively pursuing your mother.

And I think my chances

are pretty, pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, that's...

The five-second

rule is a myth.

Five, ten, 100, it doesn't

matter, it's all the same germs.

Some pretty well-executed

data entry.

Yeah, I know. We got an A.

Yeah, you got A's in all

my classes exceptdance.

Really? Someone

said I was lit.

I'm pretty good at square dancing.

So I'm a bit cheesed.

Sorry I'm still alive.

Me, too.

But I understand.

Thanks.

"Anastasia's car, dirty."

Honey, I know you're upset, but I

did tell you that public school

is just an institution

for low expectations.

So I want you to forget about

school, forget about the girl.

It's time to party.

So get dressed.

We're gonna call tonight

your rebound night.

Here.

Everyone's wearing them.

- Cool.

- What did you just say?

Cool.

I feel like I don't

even know who you are anymore.

This is so stupid. I don't

know where to find a party.

Well, come on, let's go closer to the

college. There'll be some there.

I'll keep looking.

I'm sorry.

I'm nervous.

Kind of excited to

let loose a little.

Whoo!

Ah, that was fun.

Come on, Autumn. Try it.

Whoo!

Here, sweetie.

P*ssy drink. Take three.

Three for you is a rager,

'cause you're a lightweight.

Be safe. All right?

Mmm.

Oh, it hurts. Mmm. And it

tastes like peaches, sparkly.

So the rule is we will stay one room

away from you guys at all times

and if anyone asks who

invited you, just say Mike,

because everyone has

a friend named Mike.

- I don't.

- Aw.

You do tonight, tiger.

All right. Let's split up.

Go party.

Hey, um, will you keep an

eye on Liam for me, please?

- Of course. And same with Autumn?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.

- Definitely.

Hey, why are you

drinking so much?

Uh, I just... I get really

nervous at these social events

and I don't wanna end up in a

corner by myself like usual.

Those days are gonzo.

Totally. Okay. Come on.

We have peppers, we have cheese!

It's nacho time!

How did I not think I would--

Mackenzie?

I am in desperate

need of a beverage

and since you,

Mr. Liam,

are on dry land,

you need to get me one.

Oh, here. Do you want some of this?

It's like warm soup.

Yes. Thank you, Claire!

Are you scared of

the water, land lover?

Oh, I didn't bring

my trunks or anything.

Oh. Well, neither did we.

- You're taking a long time to get in the

water. -l'm coming as fast as I can.

Whoa!

- Whoo!

- Ooh!

Now it's a party!

Um, did you see Autumn inside?

Yeah, uh, she was

cleaning the sliding doors.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- Liam!

- Mom!

Honey! Where's your shirt?

- Oh...

- You're gonna catch a cold.

I'm gonna make you

some hot tea, okay?

No, Mom. I'm okay, really.

How can you be having fun if

you're cold and soaking wet?

Mom, I was thinking about

maybe staying for the party.

Okay, we can stay for a bit.

No, I was thinking that

maybe you should go.

I get it.

You wanna make out with a

girl, honey, you go for it.

So many pretty ones here.

Okay, honey, bye!

- Bye. I love you.

- I love you.

Autumn, what happened

to your face?

There is red food coloring

in lip balm. I ate it all.

Hold on, okay?

911,

what's your emergency?

Hi, I have a noise complaint.

Hey, Maria.

Thanks for the invite.

What happened?

- You got punched in the face.

- Oh...

I'm such a bad person.

I'm a terrible mom. Autumn is so crazy.

She has no friends.

Look, I finished

my knitting cap.

Oh.

Oh, what am I doing?

Come on. Let's go.

Oh. That's my mom.

- Oh, god.

Mom'?

Liam! Liam Heap!

Liam!

You get in the frigging car

right now! In the car!

Okay. Sorry. Sorry, Mom.

Get in the car!

You get in the car!

Autumn,

get in the back seat!

You get in the back seat!

In the front seat,

Mackenzie!

Autumn, get in

the backseat!

Get in the car!

Slut.

I'm so sorry that I decided that I wanted

to take you to your first college party

and teach you how to get

drunk for the first time.

Everything's a frigging

lesson with you!

"Oh, Liam, this is how

you write a test, Liam."

I don't. You make me

sound like a moron!

"Yeah, Liam,

this is how you party.

"Liam, this is how you drink,

this is how you have fun!"

You made out with Mackenzie!

So what?

She was really nice. What? Would

you rather I made out with you?

- Ugh.

- Hmm? Mom, what?

- Whoa!

- Come on. Show me the ropes, Mom.

You know what? I'm sorry I just

tried to make the best for you.

You're not! You want me

to be better, but I can't.

I'm a loser. I don't even

wanna go to Cambridge.

Oh, you poor,

privileged white male!

No, I wanna go become

a massage therapist!

Don't you dare!

Liam? Liam!

What the hell? Oh, my god!

What are you doing?

- Another lesson, obviously!

- This is my door!

You're out of control!

- Get that stupid shirt--

- Get out! Get out of here!

Sometimes moms... Ow! You little sh*t!

Liam! Ow!

You are very, very...

Get over here.

Ah!

Did you just spank me?

Yes.

You had it coming.

You know who won the

Pulitzer Prize this year?

- Why?

- You don't. Do you?

Who won the hurdles

in the Olympics?

- Men's or females'?

- You don't know?

Best in

the whole world

and they haven't

affected you once.

No Olympic hurdler's

ever affected anyone.

You know, Grandma's

not good at anything.

She's not good at a thing.

And you told me

that she's affected you

the most out of any person

in your whole life.

I'm the only one

who knows that.

I guess I wanna be

somebody like that.

Huh?

Oh. Hi.

Hey. I'm locked out.

Uh, okay. I'll come

wait with you.

- Hey.

- Hey.

I'm not locked out. I just

wanted to see your face.

Oh.

Ouch. Sorry about that.

Yeah. Uh, it's okay.

My mom did some of it.

It's kinda been

one of those nights.

Freezing my tits off.

My nipples are about to

rip through my shirt.

Paughs]

Um, do you wanna...

- Wanna go inside?

- Yeah, sure.

What happened in here?

Oh. Uh... Shh.

We had this big party.

Oh, um...

Speaking of parties, Aisley's

throwing this big, uh, beach party

like a funeral party

for Maria's resurrection.

It's kind of your party, too.

Yeah. Yeah. I like...

I like parties.

Okay.

Hey, Anastasia.

I'm really sorry that I put my name in

your boyfriend's phone number entry.

Good.

You must have some pretty big balls

to pull off a stunt like that.

No, I don't have balls.

I do have balls.

I don't have metaphorical

balls, but I do have testicles.

Right.

Human sex series?

Uh, that's a sex book

my mom gave me.

She's teaching me

to be a badass.

These people look like

they're depressed.

I'm pretty sure

whoever wrote this book

never had actual

enjoyable sex before.

Yeah.

What would that

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