Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death Page #5

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making accusations

and made a right tit out of myself.

So they were having an affair? Yes.

Had his wife found out?

I don't know. Yet.

James, I've baked

too many apple pies

and I don't know if you like

apple pie,

but I thought

as I had one left over,

I thought maybe Sheila's brother

could make use of one?

I don't know!

I love apple pie. Thank you, Gail.

Just trying to extend

a warm Carsely welcome.

He's a bit of all right, him,

isn't he?

Do you like a bit of posh? Who?

Did Andy Cummings-Browne

ever try anything on with you?

Why do you ask?

No. Jo knew he was an old goat.

She'd never leave him alone

in the house when I was cleaning.

She knew about Ella?

She told him to put a stop to it

some time ago.

But recently, someone kept breaking

in to the house

and writing messages

on the mirror in lipstick,

saying he's up to his old tricks

again.

I've had to rub it off twice

before starting work.

Why haven't you told me this before?

Because I'm telling you now.

This is relevant

to my murder inquiry.

Well, Sherlock,

I didn't know you were having...

He wasn't murdered.

Agatha, what are you on about?

What colour of lipstick? Red.

What shade was it? Who wears it?

Who was writing these messages

on the mirror?

Oh, stop it! Stop making things up

to make life more interesting.

It's dangerous.

I bet you'd feel life

was more interesting

if you woke up to that

every morning.

They say he's just retired

after 30 years in the Army.

So he's used to being disciplined.

I tend to scare men.

Well, delicate creatures,

aren't they, poor little things.

I wouldn't know how to approach

a man I liked any more.

Just make an effort!

You give an inch,

let them take a yard.

That's what they're doing.

Mr Lacey, I've just decorated a cake

with an Army theme,

quite by accident. I was going

to throw it away when I thought...

Smile!

Aggie, will you whizz us

back for the train?

You'll be all right if we go,

won't you? Of course.

What time does that

little deli in Moreton close?

Yes?

Yes.

What? I'm Agatha Raisin

from next door and...

My sister's out. Yes, I saw her go.

I was just passing that nice deli

in Moreton and thought to myself,

Sheila's brother looks like an eater.

You're the woman who poisons people.

I see where you're coming from.

If I'm honest, I've been given

quite a lot of pies and puddings

since arriving in the village and...

I know. You have got to be so

careful. I know what you mean.

I mean, I don't know what you were

like before in terms of weight.

You're still attractive,

very attractive.

If you'll excuse me.

What are you eating... reading?

The book.

Um...

Well, now I've got a bit of time,

I'm writing some military history.

Oh, boring!

When are you going,

so I can get back to work?

Right now. Goodbye. Bye.

'I've always wanted to live there,

ever since I was a little girl.

'Used to go there on holiday.

'But won't you get lonely

out in the country?'

Miaow!

'It's been lonely here. '

Hello.

Hello. Kyra, isn't it?

My mum said you've got

to be bloody nice.

OK. Why?

Because she lied her arse off

on the website.

You want to know where Agatha is,

don't you?

Agatha, so glad you could come.

I thought our stuffy little Ladies

Committee might not be for you,

but we could do with

some business experience,

raising money and so forth.

I was just sitting at home

thinking I'd much rather be here.

Well, that's wonderful spirit.

Let me introduce you.

Sarah, before we go in,

can I ask you a question?

Of course. There's some rumours

flying about in the village,

and I don't want to speak ill

of the dead...

It sounds like you're going to.

I am, yes.

Was Andy really a bit of

a skirt-chaser? He wasn't.

It's just that I heard... He wasn't.

OK.

Sit here.

Ladies, we have a very special

and talented woman with us tonight.

Please stand up.

Oh!

But before Mrs. Josephs

shows us her photographs

of Carsely Past and Present,

it's unfortunately

that time of the month again

when Mr and Mrs. Boggle

are due for their trip out and...

Agatha'll do it!

Great! That's settled. Pick them up

tomorrow morning, Agatha.

Mrs. Josephs.

What's wrong with the Boggles? Ssh!

I fancied you the first time

that I saw you,

but I didn't want anyone to know,

cos I would have been embarrassed.

Because I was head boy?

No, cos you were a total square!

Cos you wore your school uniform

to the school Christmas disco.

I thought it was an official event.

No-one dances to Oasis

in their blazer!

Or knows all the words

to Mistletoe and Wine.

Did you fancy me?

You know I did.

I used to try and sit

next to you in Physics.

But you always had Gary.

Gary the bastard.

It wouldn't have worked back then.

And it's not going to work now,

is it?

Why not?

Because... because how could it?

Look how different we are.

So you're going to go after

the older women, are you?

You'll make an arse of yourself.

I'm going to go.

We shouldn't have done this.

And this is Carsely,

taken by my grandfather in 1904.

You will notice the absence of cars,

and that Gail's little house

was originally built

as the public toilet.

In more recent years, I have taken

over the mantle, as you know.

Here's the village fair, with Jo

winning for her flower arranging,

and Ella Cartwright winning

the quiche competition again,

an honour she inherited

from our host Sarah,

who won for the best quiche

one...

two... three years on the trot.

'He was a nice man, Jo. '

Oh! Sorry.

I've got to... take this.

Hi! We think we should warn you...

I've got another suspect, Roy.

I think there was something

unholy going on between the dead man

and the vicar's wife.

Calm down, calm down.

I can't calm down.

Looking through Steve's pictures

of Green Man,

we can see a woman

staring at you with real hatred.

I'll send it now.

He's sending it now.

Oh, God!

It's like

The Witches of Eastwick here.

She looks like a witch.

Aggie, she's really scary.

There can be real nutters

in the countryside.

Has she seen The Wicker Man?

Have you seen The Wicker Man?

I'm looking at the woman now.

Do you know her? No.

Do you think he was having an affair

with her as well?

I think he was probably shagging

the whole village, Roy.

I'm telling you,

there's something going on here.

We're here now. Let's get off.

See you next week.

Ella.

No, I don't want to talk to you

again, London Lady.

Just one quick question.

Now, tell me.

When Sarah Bloxby kept winning

the quiche competition,

was there something going on

between her and Andy?

What's it worth?

You want information for money?

What are you, the mafia?

I've just done a bundle

down the bingo.

If my John finds out,

he'll hammer me.

Ten? Twenty.

What the vicar didn't see,

the vicar didn't know.

That's all there is to say

on the matter.

Another little question.

What about this lady here?

Any idea who she is?

Um...

No, not from round here.

Was Andy diddling her an' all?

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