Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death Page #6

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Ella! Get in there!

John, don't. Go on!

Mr Cartwright...

You keep your nose out

and stop asking questions.

If I see you do it again...

You'll...?

What? You didn't actually

finish your sentence.

You know what I mean.

Actually, I don't. You didn't finish

your sentence, you uneducated ape!

Oh, no, I'm getting it.

I think I understand

exactly what you're talking about.

Good morning.

You not doing any cleaning today,

then?

I'm feeling depressed.

What's all this?

It's a mood board, about

Andy Cummings-Browne's death.

We used to use them all the time

at work. When people died?

So these are my suspects -

John the jealous husband,

Sarah the shameful vicar's wife...

Why have you got the volcano?

Well, that signifies an eruption

of lust and anger. Oh, right.

Sarah Bloxby, she was the only

one wearing red lipstick yesterday.

It was that sort of shade.

Now, is that the same colour

as the writing on the mirror?

No, it was lighter than that,

like a peach. Like that.

Aren't you meant to be

taking the Boggles out today?

Oh, bugger me!

You're very, very late.

Just be pleased I'm here at all.

I thought you might like to go

to the garden centre

in Stow-on-the-Wold.

There are things I need to do today.

We're not going to

a bloody garden centre.

You're taking us to Bath.

Bath? Bath! Bath!

You could both do with a bath,

you smelly pair. Oi!

And we're going to Sally Lunn's

Kitchen for a slap-up meal,

and London Lady's paying.

You've got to treat the elderly

right in a village like this.

Let's not go to Bath, then.

Let's go to Dignitas in Switzerland.

Is it nice there? I'd enjoy it.

We were worried you were going

to bring us a packed lunch.

With a slice of quiche.

Ha ha - very good(!)

You never had a chance

of winning that competition.

Everyone knew Andy

was diddling Ella Cartwright.

The whole village knew

what Randy Andy was like.

He was after the vicar's wife

for ages.

Kept on giving her the quiche prize.

Then he goosed her once

up the side aisle

and she went straight to Jo

and told her.

She's petrified

the vicar'll find out,

thinks it might send him

doolally again.

He's manic-depressive.

Ella told me he'd had an affair

with Sarah.

Did you give Ella money?

That elephant would do anything

for bingo money.

That's how Cummings-Browne

got his way with her.

That's right.

Who else did he try and seduce?

Sheila Barr.

But Sheila was Jo's best friend!

She made a right fool of herself

during that play last year.

She done a play with him last year.

Some romance set in the Indian Raj

and she told him she loved him

during the curtain call, and he

was to meet her after the show...

...at their usual place.

The only trouble was, her microphone

was still on. Still on!

Sheila?

What about this woman -

is she another one of his?

That's Maria Borrow.

Rich as anything.

Mad as a cat.

Her late husband ran a couple

of banks. Lives in Bourton.

Bourton-on-the-Water?

Bourton-on-the-Hill.

No, Bourton-in-the-Hole.

Which bloody Bourton?!

Why can't you people

give these places proper names,

like Fulham or Chelsea?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Bourton-on-the-Hill.

Right!

This isn't the way to Bath.

We're not going to bloody Bath.

Maria Borrow?

I knew you would come to see me.

Really? Did you?

The trees were telling me.

I heard it in their song.

OK. Let's get straight back down

to Planet Earth, shall we?

This is you, isn't it?

You poisoned my future husband.

Andy Cummings-Browne?

We were engaged.

But he was married.

He said that he was divorcing her.

For a life with me.

You were shagging, then?

And that's why you broke into their

house and wrote messages in lipstick,

because you were trying

to break up his marriage?

I do not use lipstick. I never

wear unnatural cosmetics.

And, no, we were not shagging.

I had agreed to consummation

at the next full moon.

But your evil deed, Mrs. Raisin,

has denied Andrew and me

of our future.

And evil must be punished,

by curse of death.

Which is what you were doing here?

You will die

a horrible, lonely death,

witnessed only by the trees,

that will sing a song

of your empty life.

Hello? Andy was obviously murdered.

I'm convinced of it.

Who by, Agatha?

Well, there's Sheila...

No! No. Hello?

I can't hear you.

Sheila, who obviously

felt jilted by him,

which would have been

a huge blow to her pride.

Considering the other nutters

that he was knobbing.

Plus I've unearthed some evidence

that he was pressurising

Sarah into having sex.

She's the vicar's wife, Agatha!

Exactly. Which gives her

a huge motive

to get him out the way

and cover up their affair.

There's rich and crazy Maria Borrow.

Bill, there are suspects everywhere!

High blood pressure.

All these women would have known him

intimately,

so they would have been aware of

his high blood pressure.

Could you not do that

by the side of the road, please?

Needs must!

Agatha, you're sounding paranoid.

Stop sticking your nose

into other people's business.

Paranoia, Bill, is just another

word for police work! Good point.

Which you don't seem to be doing!

I know that man was murdered.

John Cartwright - there's another.

He was being cheated on,

so he's got a motive.

I am not going to investigate

John Cartwright,

whatever you think you know.

Stop looking into this.

Sorry, losing you. Can't hear you!

Agatha? Agatha!

Peachtree Pink lipstick.

Am I right?

I've no idea what you're

talking about. Just be quiet.

Peachtree Pink on the mirror.

Keep your voice down,

you silly woman.

Why? What were you going to do -

drive a wedge between them

so you could have him

all to yourself?

I've known women like you -

marriage-breakers.

You get spurned and

you become all bitter and desperate.

You start breaking into houses.

You're bunny-boilers,

quiche-bakers...

I was trying to warn my friend

about her husband's philandering.

You wanted him all to yourself,

didn't you? I didn't.

Yes, you did, Sheila. You were in

love with him, weren't you?

Ladies, maybe we should go inside

and you can talk about it there.

When did YOU first know

about all this?

Can you just go now, Agatha?

I've always known about it.

That's what Andy was like.

Sheila, Ella Cartwright.

He'd have had you, if he'd lived.

He wouldn't.

I'm sorry.

I wanted you to know

so I could have him for myself.

I'm sorry, Jo.

If you knew about all this,

why didn't you just punch her?

He said he'd stopped seeing Ella,

but then she won the competition

again, and I knew he hadn't.

He always lied.

That's what he was like.

But he'd never have left me.

I'm so sorry.

But what about the poisoned quiche?

Just go away!

If I had a girlfriend

who'd shagged my man...

If you had a man. If I had a man.

.. I wouldn't hug her -

I'd rip her eyes out.

I did the PR for the wife

of a film star

when they were going through

a divorce,

after he'd had an affair

with her sister.

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