Airplane! Page #14

A watermelon falls from TOP OF FRAME, splattering on the

table.

KRAMER:

Very well then. Put Striker on the

speaker.

McCROSKEY

Okay, you can use the radio over there.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit

drinking.

He pulls a flask trom the drawer and takes a swig.

INT. CHICAGO DISPATCH - NIGHT

Kramer at dispatch radio. He picks up mike.

KRAMER:

Striker, Striker, this is Captain Rex

Kramer speaking.

McCroskey joins Kramer at dispatch radio.

INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

DRAMATIC MUSIC as we see Striker's ominous look of

recognition.

STRIKER:

(dramatically)

Yes, Captain Kramer. Read you loud and

clear.

INT. DISPATCH - NIGHT

Kramer sits at the mike. An Air Controller is standing next

to him, but only his mid-section is in FRAME.

KRAMER:

All right. It's obvious you remember me.

The Air Controller is scratching his behind.

KRAMER:

So what do you say you and I just forget

about everything except what we have to do

now?

The Air Controller is now scratching his crotch.

KRAMER:

You and I are going to bring this plane in

together.

The Air Controller's hand is now inside his pants

straightening out his underwear.

KRAMER:

Before we start, I'd like to say

something. I know that right now things

must look pretty rough up there.

The Air Controller is now hopping around with both hands

inside his pants.

KRAMER:

But if you do what I tell you, when I tell

you to do it, there's no reason you can't

bring that plane in.

INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

STRIKER:

Let's not kid each other, Kramer. You know

I've never flown a bucket like this. I'm

going to need all the luck there is.

INT. CHICAGO DISPATCH - NIGHT

KRAMER:

Stand by, Striker.

(to McCroskey)

The one hope we have is to build this man

up. I've got to give him all the

confidence I can.

(into microphone)

All right, Striker, have you ever flown a

multi-engine plane before?

STRIKER (v.o.)

No. Never.

KRAMER:

Sh*t!

INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

Striker over hears conversation on radio.

KRAMER (v.o.)

This is a goddamn waste of time. There's

no way he can land this plane! Route 'em

into Lake Michigan and at least avoid

killing innocent people!

INT. CHICAGO DISPATCH - NIGHT

McCROSKEY

Grab hold of yourself! You've got to talk

them down. You're the only chance they've

got!

Kramer lights cigarette.

KRAMER:

(into mike)

All right, Striker, now you listen to me

and you listen close. Flying is no

different than riding a bicycle...it just

happens to be a lot harder to put baseball

cards in the spokes. Now, if you just

follow my instructions...

INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

Two vultures are sitting on back of Striker's seat.

KRAMER (v.o.)

...there's no reason why you shouldn't

have complete confidence in your chances

to come out of this thing alive and in one

piece.

INT. CHICAGO DISPATCH - NIGHT

KRAMER:

First, I want you to familiarize yourself

with the controls. Later we'll run through

the landing procedure.

Kramer takes a last drag on his cigarette and tosses it out

the window. McCroskey plugs his ears with his fingers and

ducks as though Kramer had thrown a grenade. There is an

EXPLOSION O.S.

KRAMER:

All right. Now I'd like you to disengage

the automatic pilot. But watch any violent

movement of the controls, like you used to

make in Spitfires and Phantoms.

INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

STRIKER:

(into microphone)

Okay, I'm going to unlock the automatic

pilot.

Striker switches off automatic pilot button. Automatic pilot

shoots upward out of the seat. Elaine is thrown to the

floor. Striker struggles desperately to control the plane.

EXT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT

flying erratically.

INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

KRAMER (v.o.)

(matter of factly)

Just remember, the controls will feel very

heavy compared to a fighter.

Striker is fighting the wheel and the autopilot which is

drifting in his way. Finally, he throws the autopilot to the

rear of the cockpit.

KRAMER (v.o.)

Don't worry about that. It's perfectly

normal. You must watch your airspeed

closely. Don't let it fall below 520. Both

your rudder pedals and elevator trim will

have additional play due to increased

drag, but you can compensate by lowering

manifold pressure below 154. Now there's

one other thing. Have you someone up there

who can work the radio and leave you free

for flying?

STRIKER:

Yes! The stewardess is here with me!

Elaine rises. The autopilot is on her back, its hands

clinging to her breasts. She removes it and seats it at

engineer's console.

KRAMER (v.o.)

Have her take the co-pilot's seat.

Elaine takes her seat as Striker regains control of the

plane. He hands Elaine the mike.

STRIKER:

The radio's all yours now. And keep an eye

on that number three engine. It's running

a little hot.

INSERT - NUMBER THREE ENGINE GAUGE

A LITTLE HOT is blinking.

BACK TO INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

KRAMER (v.o.)

Striker, what kind of weather are you in

up there?

ELAINE:

(into microphone)

Rain.

STRIKER:

And a little ice.

ELAINE:

And a little ice!

KRAMER (v.o.)

How's it handling?

STRIKER:

Sluggish. Like a wet sponge.

ELAINE:

(into microphone)

Sluggish. Like a wet sponge.

KRAMER (v.o.)

(patronizing)

All right, Striker, you're doing just

fine.

STRIKER:

(to Elaine)

It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how

much I hate his guts.

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