Airplane! Page #15

ELAINE:

(into microphone)

It's a damn good thing you don't know how

much he hates your guts.

INT. PASSENGER CABIN - NIGHT

A Black Dude is holding his stomach in pain.

BLACK DUDE:

Oooooooh.

Randy approaches.

RANDY:

Can I get something for you?

BLACK DUDE:

Cain fo' gwine sho fi cun for.

RANDY:

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

MRS. SCHIFF, a middle-aged woman, is seated behind the Black

Dudes.

MRS. SCHIFF

Oh, stewardess, I can speak jive. He said

he's in great pain and wants to know if

you can help him.

RANDY:

Tell him to relax and I'll be back as

quickly as I can with some medicine.

Randy exits.

MRS. SCHIFF

Shi gwine man chitlun down for mo sho.

BLACK DUDE:

(indignantly)

Shi man I ain neba mo fo gwine ain.

They engage in an argument in jive talk, with Mrs. Schiff

getting the best of it. She swaggers off in typical black

dude fashion.

INT. PASSENGER CABIN - NIGHT

Sister Angelina is singing to the Krishnas.

SISTER ANGELINA:

'...I sit by the telephone for hours. I

love when men send me flowers. I enjoy

being a girl.'

INT. PASSENGER CABIN - NIGHT

Jack is comforting an ailing Shirley. She is per­spiring.

JACK:

How ya doing, honey?

SHIRLEY:

Oh Jack, I'm so warm. I'm burning up.

JACK:

Here.

He reaches up and opens the overhead air nozzle. Air rushes

out with hurricane force. As Jack struggles to turn off

nozzle, Shirley is blown about, an adjacent passenger's

papers go flying from a briefcase, a Hari Krishna's toga

flies up revealing polka dot boxer shorts. An extra's toupe

flies off.

INT. PASSENGER CABIN - NIGHT

SOFT MUSIC.

MILTON:

After my wife died, I felt like a fifth

wheel. You know, so many years being with

one person -- a very wonderful person --

makes you always think of yourself as part

of a pair...When Ethel passed away, I was

lost. I couldn't function socially and I

couldn't function in business.

BERNICE:

Well, after a thing like that you wouldn't

be expected to.

MILTON:

But I think it's time we stopped talking

about me. A woman like you -- why haven't

you ever married?

BERNICE:

Well, I'm afraid that's a question that's

all too easy to answer.

MILTON:

I know the answer -- Career. A smart woman

like you became so involved in your work,

you didn't have time for marriage.

BERNICE:

I wish I could fool myself into believing

that that's the reason. The truth of the

matter is, nobody ever asked me.

MILTON:

You know, here we are having coffee

together, and discussing education and

business and economy...and we don't even

know each other's names...full names I

mean.

BERNICE:

Mine's Eleanor. Eleanor Schiff.

MILTON:

That's a lovely name. Mine's Milton...Milt

Ettenhenim. But my friends call me

'Bubbles.'

INT. PASSENGER CABIN - NIGHT

Randy approaches Mrs. Schiff.

RANDY:

Would you care for a soft drink?

MRS. SCHIFF

I'd be glad to.

Randy hands a large bottle of Coca Cola wrapped in a baby

blanket to Ms. Schiff, who cradles it in her arms.

MRS. SCHIFF

Ooooh, such a nice soft drink.

INT. O'HARE WEATHER CENTER - CLOSEUP ON TYPEWRITER

CAMERA PULLS OUT to reveal Dispatcher typing message.

RADIO (v.o.)

National Weather Service reporting Omaha

fogged in. Visibility zero.

The Dispatcher attempts to remove the message, but it is

stuck in the cartridge. He yanks on it, but the paper

stretches out like rubber. The scene now becomes like a

cartoon. He lodges his feet against the typewriter and pulls

until the paper stretches to his face. He grumbles in Donald

Duck voice. The typewriter snaps back and hits him.

INT. CHICAGO DISPATCH - NIGHT

McCROSKEY

(to Air Controller #2)

Macias, get me Captain Oveur's wife on the

phone. We'd better let her know what's going on.

Air Controller #1 rushes in holding a piece of paper and

hands it to McCroskey.

AIR CONTROLLER #1

Steve, this weather bulletin just came off

the wire.

McCroskey frowns and hands it to Hinshaw.

McCROSKEY

Johnny, what can you make out of this?

HINSHAW:

This? Why, I could make a hat or a

broach...

McCroskey grabs the note from him.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

MRS. OVEUR is in bed. Phone on night table RINGS. She

reaches for it sleepily.

MRS. OVEUR

Hello?

AIR CONTROLLER #2 (v.o.)

Missus Oveur?

MRS. OVEUR

Yes, this is Missus Oveur.

AIR CONTROLLER #2 (v.o.)

This is Ed Macias calling from the

airport. There's some trouble on your

husband's flight.

SHOT WIDENS to reveal she is sleeping with a horse.

AIR CONTROLLER #2 (v.o.)

We don't know how serious it is yet, but

Harry Ballard thought you'd want to get

down here right away.

MRS. OVEUR

I'll be right down.

She hangs up the phone and rises.

MRS. OVEUR

I've got to go to the airport. You can let

yourself out the back door. There's juice

in the refrigerator.

HORSE:

(sounding like Mr. Ed)

Did you finish? Was I good?

MRS. OVEUR

Oh, you're all so concerned about

performance!

EXT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT

THUNDER and lightning; turbulent weather.

INT. CABIN - NIGHT

Randy approaches Mrs. Schiff, who is caring for a drink.

RANDY:

Would you care for another drink?

MRS. SCHIFF

No, thank you, I'm still nursing this one.

She is bottle feeding the Coke bottle.

MRS. SCHIFF

(to bottle)

There, just a little bit more -- and then

burpie time and a good nap!

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