Alfie Page #4

- Do you find you get tired easily?

- No, I'm always full of energy.

I got a letter from her, see?

"I don't love him," she says,

"but I do respect him."

I don't want no bird's respect.

I wouldn't know what to do with it.

- Step on the scales, please.

- I haven't got much time.

She's told me time and again

she loves me.

Loves me for myself,

whatever that means.

- Have you lost any weight?

- No, I always weigh 12 stone six.

Have done for years.

But I've never told her I love her.

Except when you've gotta

say something for appearances' sake.

- 11 stone nine pounds.

- Get out of it!

You sure these scales are right?

This suit don't weigh nothing.

Nine ounces, lightweight.

It's the new Terylene and mohair.

You don't feel as though

you've got nothing on at all.

The one thing I never do

with a woman, I never...

Would you take your shirt off,

please?

Would you take your shirt off,

please?

I never crawl to one. They either

take me as I am or not at all.

Do you perspire?

I mean, do you sweat much?

Sweat? No.

Tell a lie, I did sweat

last Sunday at the Locarno.

But I was dancing,

and I'd had a few beers.

I use a deodorant under my armpits.

Just rub it on. Quite good, they are.

I see. Do you ever sweat at night?

At night?

- You mean in bed?

- Yes, in bed.

Come to think of it,

I did sweat a lot last night.

I couldn't for the life of me

understand why.

Sit there with your back to me,

please.

Now take a deep breath.

Now breathe out slowly.

She said, "Malcolm will be alright.

I'll be home to look after him."

Again. A good deep one.

Hold it.

Let it out.

"What about you?" she said.

"Won't you miss us?"

- Say 99.

- 99.

- I came over quite choked at that.

- Again. Whisper it this time.

- 99.

- Whisper it again.

99. Course I managed before...

I managed before I met her

and I'll manage now she's gone.

- Do you ever feel any back pain?

- Pain? No.

You know what? Last week,

I find I'm missing her, so I calls...

Funny,

I do feel some pain there now.

- Where? There?

- No, a bit to the left.

- There?

- No, higher up.

- There?

- Yeah, there.

- Is it tender?

- It is when you mess it about.

Turn around, please.

Yeah, so I calls round, you see.

She wouldn't let me in.

She kept me at the door.

Take a deep breath.

But little Malcolm kept yelling

"Daddy!" so she had to let me in.

Breathe out.

She wouldn't let me touch her.

She drew back for the first time.

- 99.

- 100.

- What?

- 99.

Yeah, she drew back. "Sorry,

but I'm playing fair by Humphrey,

the way

I've always played fair by you."

- Do you cough much?

- Cough? No.

Only in the mornings, but everyone

does after the first smoke.

Fair by me? She never wanted

no other geezer when she was with me.

What playing fair was that?

Bleeding sauce!

- Bring anything up when you cough?

- No. I just clear my chest.

That's the point of coughing.

Bring something up, clear the tubes.

Now, the pair of 'em have taken

my little son from me.

There are times when I can still

hear him calling "Daddy!" after me.

Do you find

you get quickly irritable of late?

Funny you should ask. I do find

I do my nut very easily these days.

- Do you sleep well?

- Like a top.

The moment my head hits the pillow,

I'm off. I never wake up till...

Till when, Mr Elkins?

I never used to wake up

till it was time to get up.

That's Elkins with an S.

You know what I mean?

- I think so. And now?

- I wake up dead on the same time.

Four o'clock in the morning.

That is, no matter

how much I've had to drink or...

- Can I be perfectly frank with you?

- Certainly.

No matter who's beside me.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I understand.

Thank you. I never have been partial

to these all-night sessions.

For one thing,

I've rarely found a woman...

You don't mind

if I come out with it straight?

You can tell me everything.

Very few birds can get into my rhythm

of sleeping.

I see.

I find myself lying there in the dark

staring at the ceiling.

I keep thinking

about this kid I used to know.

I was friendly with his mother.

Nothing special,

just an ordinary girl.

But I knew him well, the child.

There's something I must tell you.

All I wanted was for her

to come back with little Malcolm,

so we could spend

our Sundays together.

But she never come.

Do you understand me?

- Yes, perfectly.

- Now.

If you lose a bird,

you can always replace her.

But with a child, it's different.

They're each one themselves.

Each one's got his different nature.

I may not be the best dad

in the world,

but I am his real dad.

Credit where credit's due.

There's something I must tell you.

He's come out of these loins.

What do you wanna tell me?

Look at this.

They can't get away from it.

He's my son.

This is your X-ray, Mr Elkins.

- Blimey! Is that me?

- Yes, it is.

I'm just a load of old ribs!

I'm afraid there are two shadows

on your lungs.

Shadows on my lungs?

What are you talking about?

Look at this patch. You've got

an infection here. And one here.

An infection? I can't have!

I ain't been with nobody!

- It's not a question...

- You have to do something about it.

We can deal with it.

I want the best attention there is.

I'll even pay for it.

It's just a question of rest.

That's all you need.

I can't rest. I'm off to Brighton

with licentious victuallers!

We're in for a blow-out. It's booked!

It has to be unbooked.

You need rest in the country.

I hate the country. How can you rest

with all that bleeding dawn chorus?

What's the matter?

My feet feel like lead.

The sweat's pouring off me!

Mr Elkins, do keep calm.

These are only shadows.

Shadows?

On my lungs?

I'm being eaten away!

This is the end of me!

God in heaven, help me!

Good afternoon, Mr Elkins.

Good afternoon.

Here, once you know

you ain't gonna die,

funny how soon

you pull back to normal.

I used to think

money was everything.

If you've got money, I used to say,

you can have beautiful birds,

handsome suits, a car of your own.

But those things ain't a bit of use

without good health.

Hello, Harry. Not come yet?

She's run off with the milkman.

Here, see this chap here?

His name's Harry Clamacraft.

He's 35 years old,

married, with three kids.

He's sitting in bed

waiting for his wife, Lily, to visit.

He's had nothing else on his mind

since Sunday.

I know for sure she'll be late.

Watch him. In a minute,

he'll pick up that book

and pretend he's not worried

and he's reading.

There you are, what did I tell you?

He's no more reading than I am.

He's all ears,

listening for her footsteps.

You know what? I ain't had a single

visitor since I've been in here.

I told 'em all I'm on silence,

not allowed to talk.

Oi, Harry, your old woman's here.

Mrs Clamacraft? Don't go all

the way round. Come through here.

- I'm not supposed to.

- Course you can. Come on.

- Here she is, Harry.

- Hello, love.

- Harry, I'm sorry I'm late.

- That's alright. Now you've come.

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