Alfie Page #7

and steak and kidney pie.

They blow you out a bit, but it

does do a marvellous egg custard.

I ain't never tasted nothing like it.

It's pretty fair

on the other, an' all.

A bit on the shy side, but I find

that makes quite a change these days.

Oi. Turn it down a bit, Annie.

It's in love, see.

Now, when it listens to that stuff,

it daydreams that the bloke who threw

it over will one day want it back.

What a bleeding hope.

Just watch how it works.

Scrub, scrub, scrub.

It takes some birds like that.

Not all of 'em.

Can I get you a cup of tea, Alfie?

Take it easy! You always want

to be doing something.

Here, I had a bird once,

a big fat thing it was,

got crossed in love or something.

The bigger they are,

the harder they fall.

She used to sit in front of the fire,

smoking cigarettes and drinking tea

till her shins were burnt red raw.

"Give us a cup of tea,

bracken shins," I said to it once.

"What," it said, "you paralysed?"

I soon got rid of it.

Are you visiting your friend

at the sanatorium?

Old Harry? I thought I would.

You fancy a ride in the car, girl?

I've some washing to do.

You're always bleeding washing.

Take a rest.

I feel better

if I'm doing something.

Well, if it makes you feel better,

I'm not going to stop you.

Punishes itself, you see. That way

life can't get at it the same.

- What time will you be back?

- You shouldn't ask me that.

When I go out, I don't know what day

I'll be back, let alone what time.

- I'm what is called a free agent.

- Sorry, Alfie.

I just thought

I'd have your meal ready.

Make a meal that's always ready.

Hash or stew or something.

- I thought I'd do something special.

- Get those boots for me, girl.

See, even she's started asking me

when I'll be back.

Know what? That little remark

could be the writing on the wall.

Annie? When will you start using

those gloves I bought you?

You'll ruin your hands

with all that scrubbing.

They don't matter.

They may not matter to you,

but they matter to me.

Nothing puts me off more than a woman

getting hold of me with horny mitts.

You've got pretty little fingers.

They're like a child's.

Look after 'em for me.

Sometimes, it gets a dead ghostified

look come over its little face,

as though it were all sick inside

with love,

and its poor mind was stumbling about

looking for a corner to rest in.

Take the other night...

After what we'd just been through,

it made me really mad.

There's a time

and a place for everything.

Even your thoughts

have a proper place.

Sorry, Alfie.

Forget him, girl.

I'm here and in the flesh.

Blimey! She looked dead guilty.

Know what? I was sorry I spoke.

"Alfie," I says to myself,

"she's as human as you are."

Well, I'll be off now, girl.

Like to give me a brush down?

Shall I say you'll be back

about seven?

Say what you like. Whether I'll

be here or not is another matter.

You have something ready.

If I'm here I'll eat it.

You know what, Annie?

You're a nice-looking girl,

only you want

to brighten yourself up.

Don't mope about depressed.

Think of others. So long.

Take care of yourself, Alfie.

I didn't like leaving it there

on a Sunday, scrubbing away,

but what could I do?

You know what I mean?

I couldn't take it with me.

Going up in the world, ain't I?

Do you know what the rents are here?

15 quid a week!

That's including central heating,

of course.

You'll never guess

who I'm calling on.

Well, I wouldn't have believed it

myself three months ago.

I'm here, girl.

That's life, isn't it? You can

never tell what's round the corner.

Down one minute, up the next.

You drop a tanner, look around,

and what do you find?

- Ruby!

- Hello, baby!

Hold it!

Gotcha!

She's in lovely condition.

- What are you so impatient about?

- What do you think?

Don't kiss my ear.

You know what it does to me!

- What about it?

- Let's at least have a drink first.

- Whisky?

- You haven't got a beer, have you?

Yes, I've probably got a beer

on the ice.

She gets all this lot off income tax.

Business expenses, see?

She owns three hairdressers'.

The thing I like about Ruby,

she's a mature woman.

You can feel a lifetime

of experience in her fingers.

Know what I mean? I find I'm going

in more for that sort of woman now.

Here, don't you dig your nails in

like you did last Thursday.

- I've got scratches down my back.

- I may do more than that today.

Great long weals, they are.

She dug her nails right in.

She's had two husbands.

Both dead.

And I've a good idea

what they died of.

She don't keep asking do you love her

like young birds do.

She don't never mention love.

She knows what she wants

and she's gonna get it.

If there's any going.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Alfie, don't you ever think

about bringing your girlfriends

flowers or candy?

I often think about it,

but I never do it.

Not unless they're in hospital.

Don't put your wet glass

on my polished table!

You're getting bleeding fussy.

- I am not getting bleeding fussy.

- You are.

I am not fussy!

Hello!

She's in beautiful condition.

- You're a little sexpot, ain't you?

- Am I?

Yeah.

You're a little lust-box, ain't you?

My little lust-box!

I might settle down with her.

With a wife like Ruby, you wouldn't

want nothing on the side.

Bedroom!

Here, come and have a look

at this a minute.

Great, isn't it?

Have you caught the ceiling?

Look at the size of that bath!

King-size.

A bit of a tight squeeze

with two of us in it.

You can have a lot of fun

splashing about and whatnot.

There have been times when I've felt

lucky to get out of that bath alive.

- Hello, lads.

- Hello, Alfie.

- What you having?

- Brown ale.

Have you got the car outside?

I don't think I'll go up the club.

I've got this northern bird, Annie,

staying at my gaff. Can't half cook.

- Cook?!

- What's cooking got to do with it?

She don't like it if he don't

come home for his meals. Eh, Alfie?

No. She does some handsome nosh-ups.

Steak and kidney pie, hotpot.

I love her cooking, I do.

I thought you was looking

a bit blown out. Eh, Vi?

- What do you mean, blown out?

- It's just the appearance, Alfie.

- What appearance?

- Well, you look all puffed up.

Blown out.

Sort of... poncified.

Poncified? I've never felt fitter

in all my life.

He wasn't saying you wasn't fit.

No. You just look different,

that's all. Don't he, Vi?

What's bleeding different?

That bird Annie's putting the block

on you, mate, and you can't see it.

- What do you say, Perce?

- Looks that way.

She's only looking after me.

In 12 months,

you won't recognise yourself.

You'll be stuffed to the ears

with hotpot.

- How you going, mate?

- I thought it was you.

Remember that day

you came in the Busy Bee?

What day was that?

Couple of weeks back.

You was in a chauffeur's uniform.

Oh, yeah. What about it?

Did you slope off with a little girl

from Sheffield called Annie

when my back was turned?

Who, me? No, I don't know

what you're talking about.

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