All American Christmas Carol Page #7

-WHAT? -RANDY, GET OFF.

-WHAT?! -JUST GET OFF MY BIKE.

-NO! -GET OFF MY BIKE.

-NO. -I GOT TO MARRY WAYNE. WAYNE SHOULD BE HERE

DOING THIS WITH ME! WHEW. OH. RANDY, GET OFF! -[ GRUNTS ] HEY! WELL, WHAT ABOU WHAT WE HAD TOGETHER? -[ SCOFFS ] RANDY, YOU WERE WITH

PAM AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY. COME ON. [ ENGINE TURNS OVER ] -WELL, HOW THE HELL AM I

GONNA GET OUT OF HERE?! IT'S CHRISTMAS! GOD! -YOU PISSED AWAY

YOUR COLLEGE FUND ON A HARLEY FOR CINDY WEGMAN?! BET YOU NEVER RODE NEITHER ONE

OF THEM, YOU DUMMY. NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN

GET BACK TO WORK 'CAUSE YOU'RE SO SOBBING SO HARD ABOUT THE FAC THAT SHE TOOK OFF! -BUT I LOVE HER. [ SOBS ] -YOU SHOULD BE SOBBING

ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE TOOK OFF

WITH ALL YOUR MONEY. -[ SOBBING ] -ALL RIGHT.

GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE! LOOK. YOU PUT IN

SOME LONG HOURS HERE, AND YOU DO SOME OVERTIME -- HECK, BY THE TIME YOU'RE 40... -[ CRIES ] -THERE YOU ARE! [ GIGGLES ] OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU. WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SO? -REALLY?

-YEAH. WHAT THE HECK ELSE

AM I GONNA DO? -DO YOU LOVE ME? -IF WINK WASN'T HERE,

I'D SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH. -DON'T MIND ME. -BUT SINCE HE IS, I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THE MINIVAN

AND I'M GONNA GET USED TO IT. I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT HOME, OKAY? -WINK, PLEASE DON'T MAKE HIM

WORK TOO LATE. -[ Mockingly ] NO, I WON'T. -[ CHUCKLES ] -SEE? SHE DOES LOVE ME! -GET OFF! FOR AS BRIGHT AS YOU ARE, YOU ARE AS DUMB

AS A BAG OF HAMMERS -- DUMB, DUMB, DUMB! -OH. [ SIGHS ] DANG IT. -[ Echoing ]

YOU LOOKING FOR THIS? -OH, NOT NOW.

REALLY? [ SIGHS ] -WHERE ARE YOU HEADED? -TO WHAT I PROMISED

THE LAST GHOST I WOULD DO. -[ SCOFFS ]

CLEAN UP YOUR MAMA'S SHOP? NO, YOU AIN'T. -[ SCOFFS ] [ SNAPS FINGERS ] -THIS AIN'T RIGHT. THIS AIN'T THE SALON. -THIS IS LIKE -- -SCRAPBOOKING PLACE. -WHAT THE HECK? -IT LOOKS GOD-AWFUL,

DON'T IT? [ LAUGHS ] [ COUGHS, LAUGHS ] -HEY, I KNOW THAT LAUGH. I KNOW THAT LAUGH! MAMA. -[ CLICKS TONGUE ] -YOU LOOK TERRIBLE. -WELL... -WHAT'S UP WITH

THE CREEPY BLACK ROBE? -ROBE'S PART OF THE TRADITION FOR, UH, GHOSTS

OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE. ANYWAY,

AFTER YOU MARRIED WAYNE, YOU SOLD THE PLACE

TO BOB AND MARGE. YOU NEVER DID GET NO JOB. -[ SCOFFS ] WELL, I ACTUALLY THINK

IT LOOKS KIND OF NICE. -OH, YOU LIKE THE WAY

THIS LOOKS? IT LOOKS LIKE A MAGAZINE

OR SOMETHING. IT'S GOT NO SOUL. I MEAN, HONEY,

LOOK WHAT YOU LET HAPPEN TO THE SALON THAT I BUIL WITH MY OWN HANDS. -IT'S QUAINT! -YEAH. THEN MARGE WENT EVEN HOG-WILD AFTER SHE GOT IT ALL

IN THE DIVORCE. -WAIT -- BOB AND MARGE

GOT A DIVORCE? -YEAH. -SEE? [ CHUCKLES ]

I KNEW THE FUTURE LOOKED BRIGHT. I KNEW IT. -YEAH.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ] THEY DIDN'T GET ALONG SO WELL AFTER, YOU KNOW,

THE INCIDENT WITH... LITTLE TIM. -WHAT HAPPENED WITH TIM? -[ SIGHS ] -HEY, HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO TIM? -OH. OH. OH. SO SUDDENLY YOU CARE

ABOUT TIM, HUH? -I'VE ALWAYS CARED

ABOUT PEEPERS! -[ SIGHS ] -WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HARLEY? -REMEMBER THE PHRASE, "I'D RATHER PUSH A HARLEY

THAN RIDE A HONDA"? -YEAH. -THAT'S FOR PEOPLE

WHO COULD AFFORD THEM. YOU WERE TOO GOOD

TO RIDE A HONDA, BUT TOO LAZY TO WORK TO MAKE THE MONEY

TO KEEP A HARLEY. NOW, COME ON. THIS IS HURTING ME JUST AS MUCH

AS IT HURTS YOU. -[ SIGHS ] -MAKES ME REALIZE

I WAS A BAD MAMA. YOU NEVER DID LEARN HOW TO COOK, AND WAYNE TOOK TO EATING

THE PIMENTO LOAF AT THE DOLLAR KING

ALL DAY LONG. -DANG. WAYNE! [ SCOFFS ] WAKE UP, YOU LARD.

IT'S TIME FOR WORK! -[ SIGHS ]

IT'S CHRISTMAS. -SO? THE DOLLAR KING

AIN'T NEVER CLOSING! -I QUIT. -QUIT? REALLY? WELL, YOU KNOW

THAT WINK'S GONNA DIE, AND YOU'RE GONNA GET PROMOTED. -I CAN'T BELIEVE WINK

NEVER PROMOTED ME. HE PROMISED. BABY, HE PROMISED. -WHAT A LOSER! YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT,

OF ALL THE LOSERS IN ALL THE DIFFEREN TRAILER PARKS, THAT WAYNE

WAS GONNA BE DIFFERENT. -HE WOULD'VE BEEN, TOO, BUT BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN

IS A GREAT WOMAN. -ARE YOU SAYING

I AIN'T A GREAT WOMAN? -YOU THINK

IT WAS BETTER FOR HIM TO BUY YOU A HARLEY

THAN TO GO TO COLLEGE? -IT WAS FOR ME.

-OH, LOOK AROUND. YOU REALLY THINK THAT THIS WAS BETTER FOR YOU

IN THE LONG RUN? -LET ME GUESS --

THAT'S ME IN THE BOX. I AIN'T AFRAID OF DYING. -LOOK AROUND.

FUNERAL PARLOR'S PRETTY EMPTY. -SO? IT'S NOT LIKE

I'D BE AROUND TO CARE. THOUGH, ACTUALLY, I DID THINK

WAYNE MIGHT BE HERE. HE WAS PRETTY GOOD

ABOUT OBLIGATIONS. -WAYNE DIED A YEAR AGO. SAW A COMMERCIAL

FOR I.T.T. TECHNICAL COLLEGE AND BEGAN CRYING SO HARD

HIS THROAT DONE CLOSED UP AND COULDN'T GET NO MORE AIR. STRANGE OCCURRENCE. SUFFOCATED TO DEATH. -HMM. SEE? LOOK.

SOMEBODY LOVES ME. HERE COMES BOB. HE'S ALWAYS GOOD

ABOUT OBLIGATIONS, TOO. -I HAVE LAID AWAKE MANY A NIGHT,

THINKING TO MYSELF, "THERE AIN'T NO ONE THAT CAN GE THROUGH TO THIS WOMAN. "AND EVERY DAY, "WITH THE TRAIN WRECK OF A LIFE

THAT YOU'VE LED, "SOMEHOW YOU'D GET BY... WITHOUT A CARE

FOR ANYO BUT YOURSELF." I NEVER THOUGH I'D SAY THIS, BUT... I'M GLAD YOU'RE GONE! -ALL THESE YEARS, HE'S BEEN

WISHING FOR ME TO DIE? -YOU RUINED MY LIFE! -OH, SIR! SIR, I UNDERSTAND

THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL TIME, BUT I CAN'T LET YOU

HURT THESE FLOWERS. -I WAS JUST LEAVING. -[ SIGHS ] -UNCLE BOB. -WHO'S THAT? -I'M GLAD YOU CAME. -OH, THAT MUST BE SKOAL.

HE ALWAYS HAD A WILD STREAK. -WHAT HAPPENED WITH TIM,

THAT WAS MY FAULT AND NOT HERS. -WAIT -- WHAT?

WHAT HAPPENED WITH TIM? DID -- DID HE COME OU OR SOMETHING? -KEEP WATCHING. -NO, CHAMP, IT WAS HERS... AND MINE, A LITTLE BIT,

FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN, BUT NOT -- NOT YOU. YOU WERE A VICTIM, SON... JUST LIKE TIM. YOU KNOW, HARLEY, YOU WERE

ALWAYS SPECIAL TO ME. -HARLEY? -I LOVE YOU, UNCLE BOB. I'M SORRY AGAIN. [ CHAIN CLINKING ] -THIS IS A MISTAKE. HE WOULD MAKE ME THROW BACK

PENNIES FROM THE WISHING WELL. HE WOULD -- HE WOULD NEVER

STEAL FROM ANYBODY. -THE MONEY WAS RUNNING OUT,

THE BILLS WERE PILING UP, WAYNE'S PAYCHECK

FROM THE DOLLAR KING JUST WENT INTO THE NEGATIVES

WITH ALL YOUR SPENDING, AND THAT DAMN HARLEY

KEPT BREAKING DOWN AND NEEDING TO BE FIXED. -BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED HIM

TO FIX IT. -YOU DIDN'T NEED TO ASK. -AND TIM -- [ SIGHS ] -TIM LOOKED UP TO HARLEY

AND COULDN'T SAY NO. -DID HE DIE IN THE ROBBERY? -NO. THE CLERK DID. TIM DROPPED THE GUN,

AND IT WENT OFF. -WELL, WHAT HAPPENED? -TIM DIED THE FIRST NIGH IN THE COUNTY JAIL. THEY COOKED HIS FOOD

IN PEANUT OIL. -OHH. -[ Chuckling ] WELL, HEY. AREN'T YOU GONNA MAKE A CRACK

ABOUT THAT? I MEAN, TYPICAL, RIGHT?

HE'S SUCH A LITTLE WUSSY. HE COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH

ONE NIGHT AT THE CLINK, AND IT WASN'T 'CAUSE HE WAS

SHANKED, EITHER. IT'S 'CAUSE OF A PEANUT ALLERGY. [ Chuckling ] I MEAN,

WHAT A LAME-ASS, RIGHT? -IT'S NOT FUNNY! -REST IN PEACE, MOM. [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] HARLEY? HARLEY! YOU KNOW YOUR MAMA

LOVES YOU, RIGHT? HARLEY! HARLEY. YOU LOVE YOUR MAMA, RIGHT? HARLEY? HARLEY,

YOU LOVE YOUR MAMA, RIGHT? HARLEY! HARLEY, YOU LOVE... -MAMA. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? -AM I A GOOD MAMA? -YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU. -THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED YOU. -WELL, YOU'RE MY MAMA. AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. -BUT YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,

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