All Relative Page #3

I thi... I think I'm overheating.

Well, you were out there

for a long time.

That sun's a real killer.

- I'm so hot.

- I'll get you some water.

Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Stop fussing.

We're out of, um, bottles.

In the pantry.

Well, maybe you should go

lie down, huh?

No. Just go start the grill.

All right. Okay.

The f*** are you doing here?!

You said you were divorced!

What are you doing

with my daughter?

Oh, your daughter?

You mean "the one I was all bent

out of shape about at the bar"?

Oh, god.

- I found it.

- Hey!

Oh, mom. You look worse.

I'm just dehydrated.

Um, hey, I'm gonna go help

your dad with the grill.

No. No.

I want you right here.

I have so much to ask you about.

So, how'd you two meet?

Um, we were actually both

out bowling one night.

Oh.

You know, as someone

from an older generation,

I'm fascinated

by how dating works these days.

What do you mean?

Well, back in the days

of your grandparents,

Or even back when we met,

Things just moved a lot slower.

There was no internet,

no social media, no texting.

I remember being so nervous

when I picked up the phone

To ask your mother out

on our first date,

That I must have hung up

10 times

Before I actually dialed

at last.

Texting has got to be a lot

easier than that.

And, you know, e-Mailing...

let me tell you.

That has made coursework

so much easier.

Harry,

did you text or call first?

- You texted, remember?

- I texted?

I texted.

Yes. My mind's a sieve.

Must have been some other floozy

you were calling.

Oh, no.

I believe

that the best relationships

Start as friendships.

Yeah, dad.

I've heard this one before.

Well, I'll say it again.

It's what makes the relationship

I have with your mother

That much stronger.

So you two

are more like friends?

Of course we're friends.

So, it's platonic?

Well, like Phil so wisely said,

Um, you know,

the best relationships

Are... founded on friendship.

Oh.

So you two are just friends?

We're dating.

Wait, I'm... I'm confused.

Which... which is it?

Maren, I don't think we need

to label every little detail.

No, I don't see this

as every little detail.

I'd like to know what kind of

relationship our daughter is in.

Mom, please.

We're dating. The end.

Yeah, you say that,

But it seems as if harry

is saying one thing

And you're saying another thing.

Back when your dad and I

were going out,

It wasn't until

we were physically intimate

That we both agreed

that we were dating.

Mom!

If you want to know if harry

and I have had sex, just ask.

We haven't had sex.

- Harry!

- I'm sorry.

Can we please change

the subject?

Yes. Please.

Let's just change the subject.

I'd like some more wine, please.

In a bit, Maren.

I'd like some more wine now.

I think you've had enough

for now.

Jesus Christ!

Excuse me.

Did somebody say something

to piss you off?

Have you seen the mustard?

I don't know.

Maybe it's on the table.

You are being so rude to harry.

Uh, we're considering him

for a position,

And grace seems

to really like him.

I don't like him.

He's a phony.

Maren, if this is about me

And whatever problem

you have with me,

You don't need to take it out

on our daughter's friend.

Oh. I'm guilty

for your indiscretions?

My...

my past whatever

you want to call them

And you being rude to harry

Have absolutely nothing

to do with each other.

Nothing.

Oh, really?

Yes. Yes. Really.

What?

What?

Nothing.

You know what?

You've been drinking.

And I don't want to argue with

you when you're in this state,

Especially when we have company.

I love it.

I say what's on my mind,

And you say

it's because I've been drinking,

Because we can't have

a conversation.

Well, sweetheart,

you are drinking,

And we're having a conversation.

I'm gonna ask you to have

This exact same conversation

tomorrow morning,

And I will be

stone-F***ing-Cold sober.

And guess what?

I'm sure you will be.

I will say the exact same things

And they will have had

nothing...

my mom is driving me nuts.

She's acting really weird.

I-I just... I don't know

what she acts like normally,

So I don't have a scale.

What's wrong?

Maybe it's best if I leave

And give your parents

some space.

You think?

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah. You know what?

I'm not feeling very well.

- Oh?

- Uh...

I think I need to get some air.

- We're outside.

- I think it's the food.

It's the food.

Oh, no. It's the food?

It's not the food.

It's my... it's me.

It's my ibs.

I think my ibs is acting up.

- Irritable bowel syndrome?

- Mm-Hmm.

You were just talking about

Your cast-Iron stomach

the other day.

I know. It's weird.

Aside from a mild

lactose intolerance,

I'm usually ironclad, but, uh...

oh, man.

You know,

I'm gonna go to the pharmacy.

No, no, no.

It's around the corner.

I'll go. It's fine.

Harry needs lactose pills.

Yeah. Ugh.

- You do?

- Mm-Hmm.

Uh, my stomach's not in the best

of moods right now.

So I told... I was gonna go

to the pharmacy.

I'll drive you.

Grace just offered.

It'll give us some time to chat.

Honestly, I don't want

to inconvenience you.

I insist.

I think it's a good idea.

Grace and I can catch up

on a few things.

Um... you know, I'm thinking

it might be just best

If I head out a little early,

'Cause I'm gonna be spending the

night at my buddy Jared's place,

So if I get...

just get in the car.

I'm... I'm sorry

I'm not feeling well.

You can tell me the truth.

I can handle it.

Your food is really good.

It's delicious.

And my stomach pains

are in no way

Meant to impugn your cooking.

It's not about my cooking.

It's about Maren.

I know you're uncomfortable.

But think about how I feel.

I have to live with this

every day.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Phil.

When I agreed

to meet grace's parents

Nothing could have prepared me

to see Maren face-To-Face.

I want to apologize

for my behavior.

I feel awful.

- You want to apologize?

- Yes.

You feel awful?

I do.

What'd you do?

You were invited to dinner.

You had no idea you were gonna

walk into all that tension.

Maren and I,

We've been having struggles

for awhile now,

And it's... I feel really badly

That you got dragged

into the middle of it.

I'm embarrassed.

And I know you're uncomfortable.

Little bit.

I-I-I want to apologize.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

Apology accepted.

Good.

Thanks.

Well,

I'm glad we cleared the air.

I feel better.

Oof.

I'm not washing anything by hand

tonight.

No, just put everything in here.

Get rid of it. Yeah. Put it in.

Honey...

you really like this guy, huh?

Yeah, I think I do.

Mm.

But he is a little old for you,

isn't he?

Mom.

We're just dating, okay?

We're not getting married

or anything.

We're just...

you know, we're getting

to know each other.

We're figuring it out.

Yeah.

I just don't want you

rushing into situations

Before you're emotionally ready.

Oh.

You mean like

how you and dad had me

Before you were prepared?

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