Amar Akbar & Tony Page #4

-Did you enjoy it?

-It was good.

- Honestly?

- Yeah. It was. It was...

You were amazing.

- Amazing.

- Oh. You liked it?

I loved it. I didnt want it to end.

I was so-- Uh, I was moved.

I cant believe you came.

Thats so nice.

Um-- Uh-- Sorry. Im being rude.

Um, this is my my friend Alison

and this is my sister Nicola.

Sisters?

The good looks run in the family then.

So, what did you think?

Wasnt she brilliant?

Yeah, she was great.

Except I kept getting distracted

by some idiot who was snoring.

Yes.

Some people

just dont appreciate good theater.

What can you do?

Yeah.

Lets go join the others.

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

So, isnt your boyfriend

supposed to be here?

Oh. Hes my ex.

We actually broke up a few weeks ago.

Oh, sh*t.

Im really sorry to hear that.

- No, youre not.

- No, Im not.

So, why did you break up?

Um, because...

-Mmm.

-Bec--

Well, thats a bit--

thats a bit personal, isnt it?

No, fair enough. Fair enough.

Maybe we can chat about it

over dinner next week.

If we ever go to dinner,

we are not going to be talking

about my past relationships.

No? Okay.

Well, then,

how about we go to dinner next week,

and maybe we can chat

about our future relationship.

You dont give up, do you?

We have a saying in Southall.

Persistence overcomes resistance.

Im sure stalkers

have the same philosophy.

Yeah. Funny, I know a couple of those too.

-Oh, so I should go and mingle.

-Yeah, of course.

See you next week.

-Maybe.

-Perfect. Friday around 7:00 then?

Whats her name?

Samantha.

Whats she do?

Shes an actress.

-Actress?

-Yeah.

-Would I have seen her in anything?

-Nah.

I was thinking of bringing her here

for opening night actually.

- Yeah?

- Why not?

I, uh, saw Southall Sanj the other day.

How is he?

No, hes all right, mate.

We see him all the time.

P*ssy.

Yeah, anyway, check this.

I was visiting my cousin Ayesha

in hospital.

Shed just given birth to this baby boy.

And while Im there, guess who walks in.

Southall f***ing Sanj and Auntie ji.

Right behind them

is Miss Southall 2003, Nita.

There she is, right, massively pregnant,

ready to drop any minute.

And youll never guess

who she got married to.

Dr. Kumar.

Dr. Ravi Rohit Kumar.

-You mean our Dr. Kumar.

-Yeah.

-What, Dr. Kumar from Ivanhoe Road?

-Yeah.

Hes, like, twice her age, man.

Yeah. But you know

what they say about Asian women.

They say when it comes to Asian women,

a medical degree spreads more legs

than the National Ballet.

Oh, look. Theres a smile.

I aint seen that for a while.

- Hes back.

- Lets finish this.

Dr. Kumar.

Dr. bloody Kumar.

Mmm.

Mmm!

Enchanting.

Meera.

Here, try the foie gras kebab.

Delightful, isnt it?

I hate these people.

They were all over you

when you got your law degree,

practically throwing

their daughters knickers at you.

And now its like you dont even exist.

Its not their fault.

Honestly, would Dad want you to marry

someone whod just come out of prison?

Theyre looking for prospects,

and I have none.

I missed you.

I missed you too.

Meera, youve done lovely

with this restaurant. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I hope youre enjoying the food.

Id like to introduce you

to our talented, young new chef, Kurt,

whos going to change the face

of Indian cuisine as we know it.

Thanks, Jay.

Uh, I trust youve all

been appreciating our fusion

of eastern, western

culinary, gastronomic delights.

Well, a few words, ladies and gentlemen.

Innovate.

Create.

Or as they say in the Punjab,

Chak a day, f*** a day.

Not much to look at out here.

I just needed some fresh air.

How do you like London?

Its nice.

But I miss home.

People are too busy with their own lives

than to worry about anybody else.

Must be difficult moving

to a new country and starting over.

Yes.

But Jay has a lot of friends,

so its not so bad.

There you are.

Ive been looking all over for you.

Theres people inside I want you to meet.

Come on.

Why didnt you

let me come visit you?

I would have waited for you.

It wouldnt have been fair.

You didnt give me a choice.

You had to move on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I should go.

Congratulations.

Im so sorry.

Why is my name last?

Why is your name there at all?

Didnt you know? He got sacked.

-Works here now.

-Twat.

So...

were open?

Were open.

Were open?

Come on, you. Weve got work to do.

How many jobs do you want

to be fired from in one week?

-Ill sort it.

-Well, youd better.

Chacha ji.

Welcome. Youre our first guest.

Please, come through.

So this is the competition, Nephew?

I like it. I like it.

What do you think, Meera?

It has a lovely atmosphere.

Son, get me a drink.

Whiskey.

And not an English measure.

Desi style. Ah.

White boy behind the bar.

Nice touch.

Actually, Chacha ji,

Tonys a childhood friend.

Hes an adopted Punjabi.

Kidhan.

Another one.

Were spoiled for choice.

-Is that your uncles wife?

-Yeah.

She is fit!

She must be half his age.

You know what? Im really starting

to regret having you here.

-Chacha ji.

-Hmm.

Arun will bring you some menus.

Hi there.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yes.

If the British

hadnt conquered half the world,

-no one would have heard of Shakespeare.

-The plays speak for themselves.

The man is a prolific genius.

You can make that comparison cause

youve read writers from around the world?

Oh, name another.

Uh, Salim, Javed.

Two of the greatest writers

to ever come out of India.

-What?

-Thats not the point Im making.

If, say, the Indians

had conquered half the world, right,

and colonized it

for a couple of hundred years,

chances are the greatest playwright

would have been an Indian.

When the Greeks were in charge,

the greatest writers were Greek.

In the future it will be the Americans.

Okay, you might have a point.

God, its difficult being good-looking.

People always think

youre dumber than you really are.

Youre such an idiot.

I cant believe

Im going on a date with you.

Oh, Mr. Khan.

So lovely to see you back here again, sir.

-Youre looking very healthy, Mr. Singh.

-Why, thank you.

Your wife and kids well?

Oh.

Very well, thanks be to God.

So, sir,

a special table for you

and your special friend?

Yes, please.

-Madam, may I take your coat?

-Thank you.

Please follow me.

Madam.

-Ease up.

-Of course, sir.

-Your waiter will be with you shortly.

-Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Good evening, Mr. Khan!

What a lovely madam

you have with you today, sir.

Papadum, please.

Mr. Doyle, please to look after Mr. Khan

and his lovely special friend.

Sir, madam,

I will be your waiter for this evening.

May I recommend the Desi Danda.

Its a particularly succulent drink.

All right, all right, all right.

Cut the crap.

Sam, meet Amar and Tony.

- Theyre supposed to be my oldest friends.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

And if youve got any single friends,

thats my card.

Oh. Ill-Ill pass that on.

Im sure theyll be very grateful.

So, what is a Desi Danda?

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