Amazon Women on the Moon Page #3

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of phoneys and creeps.

That's why this machine

comes in handy.

I just enter your I.D.,

and the central computer

will tell me about your background.

[ Chuckles ] I don't want a bank loan.

I just want to take you out.

I know, but I'd feel better running a check.

Two I.D.'s, please.

You're serious.

- [ Machine Beeps ]

- It'll just take a minute.

- This is ridiculous, but, uh--

- [ Punching Number Pad ]

- Here's, uh--

- Three-one-six.

- That's a cute picture. [ Chuckles ]

- MasterCard.

I don't know how I ever got along

without one of these.

Changed my life.

Feel the same way

about my VCR.

Ooh. Right now I'm taping

Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.

- I love Meryl Streep.

- Oh, I am so into her.

[ Sighs ]

- [ Printer Buzzing ]

- Here it comes now.

- [ Laughs ]

- [ Bell Dings ]

- All that about me? Geez.

- They are very thorough.

- [ Giggles ] This is great!

- What? What?

- Oh.

- What do you got there?

- Uh-oh. [ Sighs ]

- Uh-oh? What's-- What's uh-oh?

Jerry...

does the name Debbie Rothenberg

mean anything to you?

Uh-- Debbie Rothenberg.

Uh--

Oh, yeah.

I think I went out with her once or twice.

You had sex with her on the second date,

and then you never called her again.

- I hate when guys do that.

- It says all that?

[ Scoffs ] Does the phrase

''You're not only beautiful...

but you're someone I feel I can open up to''

mean anything to you?

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not surprised.

You've used that line on your last 1 6 dates.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Debbie-- Uh, Karen,

I think...

that we have something

very special here.

- You're not like the other women you--

- ''You meet in the city.''

See what I mean?

And,Jerry...

I could never get serious

about someone who's selfish in bed.

- ''Who's selfish in bed''?

- Well, how would you describe a man...

who satisfies his own needs

and rolls over and goes to sleep?

- I never did that in my life!

- Eleven times!

- You want names and dates?

- No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.

Anyway, that is just a small fraction

of the hundreds of times...

I've been intimate

with women.

We're exaggerating a little,

aren't we,Jerry?

The record only shows

2 1 sexual intimacies.

- There you are.

- This doesn't jibe with my figures.

Okay, sweetie?

Jerry, the statistics don't paint

the picture of a mature man.

Twelve times, you ignored

your date at a party...

to flirt with

a more attractive woman.

1 69 times, you feigned interest when

a woman was talking about her career.

On 1 7 occasions,

you lied to women...

telling them you were really into sushi

and Meryl Streep movies.

Make that 1 8 times.

Wh-Wh-Where do they

get these figures?

As you can see,

Jerry...

it would be pointless

for you and I to go out.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines

and see how well you come off!

- Okay?

- Goodnight,Jerry.

It's early yet.

Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.

Like you did

last Thursday.

Hello, Beverly?

- [ Woman ] Yeah?

- Hi.

This is Jerry Stone.

We met the other night at Dave's party.

- Oh. Hi.

- Hi.

Listen, I know

it's last minute...

but I wanna ask you,

are you free tonight?

Uh, yeah.

You are. Great.

Listen, I can pick you up

in 1 0 minutes.

[ Chuckles ]

Sure, okay.

- Oh,Jerry, um--

- Yeah?

Could you bring a major credit card

and a valid driver's licence?

Jerry?

[ Man ] Extraterrestrials.

Strange phenomena.

Missing persons.

Lost continents.

Myths and monsters.

We examine these mysteries

to determine...

are they bullshit or not?

London's West End.

Here, in the winter of 1 888...

a series of bizarre

and violent murders occurred...

which remain unsolved

to this very day.

Jack the Ripper.

Was he a prosperous

London surgeon?

Perhaps a member

of British royalty.

Well, our Bullshit team

has unearthed...

spectacular new evidence

which suggests...

that Jack the Ripper

was, in fact...

the Loch Ness monster.

Is it possible

that Nessie...

murdered five streetwalkers

before returning to Loch Ness?

Using undiscovered evidence...

we've pieced together the events

leading up to the first murder.

Although this is

a Bullshit re-enactment...

it may have happened

just this way.

Hello, dearie. Show you

a good time for a quid.

Throw the wife in for free.

Oh, gents.

Don't you want a girl

to keep you warm tonight?

[ Sighs ] Me mum told me

there would be nights like this.

- [ Murmuring ]

- Oh, my!

You are a big one,

now, aren't you?

Come on, darlin'.

[ Chortling ]

[ Wheels Squeaking ]

Mind you, don't you be

steppin' on my feet now.

- [ Murmuring ]

- Ooh!

Aren't you in an hurry!

Now, will you be careful.

Not so rough, da--

Wait a min--

[ Screaming ]

Is this the way

it happened?

Was Jack the Ripper, in fact,

a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?

Did I take this job

for a quick buck?

We may never know the answers

to these questions. Next week--

Come on.

[ Man ] To recap the three movies

that we reviewed this week...

here on Critics Corner...

Marc and I both gave

a big thumbs up...

- to the new Swedish film

directed by, uh--

- Olaf Svensen.

Olaf Svensen, called

The Winter of My Despondency.

- Haunting abstract symbolism.

- It's arty crap.

- Jonathan and I did split, however...

- [ Yawns ]

on the newest

teenage romp called Frat Slobs.

Jonathan, I think,

thought it to be...

a light,

frothy souffle...

- sizzling with youthful energy.

- That I did.

On the other hand,

I thought it was pond scum.

You're an albino.

What the hell do you know?

We have a new feature

we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner...

we hope you'll enjoy.

We call it ''Real Life Reviews''...

in which we critique the life

of an average person just like you.

Jonathan will begin with a review

of the life of Harvey Putnik.

- [ Jonathan ] No. Pitnik.

- Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.

- Illinois.

- Illinois.

- Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.

- Bernice. Bernice, come here.

They're talking about me

on the television.

- What?

- Come here.

- Harvey Pitnik would seem

to have all the ingredients...

- [ Bernice, Harvey Laugh ]

- for a successful life.

- You'd think so.

- So why does he fail so miserably?

- I don't know.

I think the problem

is with Harvey himself.

- What the hell is this?

- You're right. It is Harvey.

Very good,Jonathan.

It is Harvey.

So, we're supposed to care

about this Harvey Pitnik?

Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years

to develop any character at all...

and by the time he does,

who cares?

- They're crucifying me.

- It's hardly worth the wait.

- He didn't like Gandhi either.

- Let me show you.

Here's a scene from last year

as Harvey is coming home from work.

[ Groans, Sighs ]

- Oh. Hi, Scraps.

- [ Low Growl ]

- Hi, Dad.

- Hi, kids.

- [ Harvey ] How did they do this?

- Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

Ooh. Potatoes.

I didn't cons--

I didn't consent for this to be on TV.

- Dinner'll be ready in five minutes.

- Okay.

[ Sighs ]

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