Amazon Women on the Moon Page #4

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- Some exciting home life, huh?

- And it goes on like that...

tediously,

day in and day out.

- Where's the love?

- Where's the passion?

Where's the examination

of one's own existence?

This is a poor excuse

for a life.

I give Harvey Pitnik

a-- a big thumbs down.

- [ Harvey ] Thumbs down?

- I give him a thumbs down too.

But I didn't hate Harvey

quite as much as you, Jonathan.

Oh, granted, his life was

a miserable waste of time...

but I rather enjoyed

the Kafkaesque touches.

Here's a loser trapped

in a dead-end job...

and a--

a loveless marriage.

- How do they know that?

- [ Marc ] Couldn't they have done

anything to make this man human?

Think of the money it took

to bring him into the world.

- A ton!

- To feed him and to clothe him

and then to educate him.

And after all that,

what have you got?

- You've got a big bore!

- A dull clod!

An empty suit.

And another thing...

I was always one step ahead

of this guy's life.

- There just were no surprises!

- No. Wait a minute.

What about the ending of his life?

That came as a surprise.

- Ending?

- I saw that coming a mile away!

- I didn't.

- What ending?

- The high blood pressure.

The lack of exercise.

- True. Uh-huh.

- The bad diet.

- Of course.

By the time he finally has his heart attack

in front of the TV, big deal!

- Heart attack? Heart attack?

- [ Marc ] It's such a mundane way to go.

What are they talking about?

A heart attack? I didn't have a-- [ Groans ]

[ Marc ]

Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if,

say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?

- He should've died years earlier.

- Maybe in a submarine accident.

- [ Bernice ] Harvey? Oh, my God!

- Possibly a giant squid.

- Something to add

a little science fiction to it.

- I'm calling an ambulance.

- I'm calling an ambulance!

- A tragic waste, but who cares?

Oh, I see our time is up.

We want to thank you very much...

for joining us

on Critics Corner.

Hope you'll be back next week when we'll

have an aisle seat reserved just for you.

- Bye-bye.

- [ Organ:
Perky Theme ]

There's so many things he could've done.

He could've had a better haircut.

[ Man ] We now return to the 1 95 7 film...

Amazon Women on the Moon...

starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark.

There will be no further interruptions.

Well, here we are

on the moon.

[ Butch ]

This place gives me the willies.

Think we'll run into

any moon men?

Not intelligent life

as you and I know it, Butch.

If there are any Martians,

I'll bet they speak the universal language--

do-re-mi!

You remember the space oath

you took at the academy, Blackie?

''I will not exploit other worlds

for personal gain.''

Look at that.

Follow me, men.

Keep your eyes open.

[ Murray ]

Selma!

- [ Loony Chattering ]

- Hey, dig that crazy full moon.

That's a full Earth, Butch.

Remember where we are.

Zowie!

This is only a hunch,

but--

Steve! What are you doing?

You're committing suicide!

[ Inhales Deeply ]

Just as I thought.

The moon has an atmosphere

similar to Earth's.

Take off your helmets, boys.

- [ Inhales ]

- [ Laughing ]

Good old HO.

Steve, fill me in.

How'd you figure it out?

Seems like Loony

figured it out first.

- [ Chittering ]

- [ All Chuckling ]

That's my Loony,

a regular Einstein.

[ All Chuckling ]

- Look!

- [ Roaring ]

- [ Yawns ]

- [ Announcer ]

Are your parties dull and boring?

- [ Sighs ]

- Well, why not liven them up...

with the snack food

that's sweeping America.

Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate.

It has such a unique flavour.

It's more than just

an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch.

- [ Boing ]

- [ People ] Whoa!

What the-- You know,

I never saw an appetizer do that before.

Well, you never tried

Silly Pate before!

Not only is it fun at parties,

it's low in saturated fats.

And look.

- It picks up your favourite comic strip!

- [ Gasping ]

I'm eating Doonesbury.

And I'm eating

Beetle Bailey.

- [ All Laughing ]

- [ Announcer ] You'll never have

a dull, lifeless party again...

with Silly Pate.

[ Boing ]

Available in all fine gourmet

shops and toy stores everywhere.

- [ Organ ]

- [ Woman Crying ]

- [ Sobbing ]

- It's time, Mrs Pitnik.

Do I have to?

Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00.

[ Clears Throat ]

Come on.

I-Is Har-Harvey here?

- Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great.

- Oh!

Okay, let's move along.

That's right.

Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young.

You'll-- You'll meet someone.

- [ Sobs ]

- Send the kids to camp.

That's what I would do.

Okay, family up front,

on the left.

- Well, I guess that's it.

- [ Chattering ]

[ Chattering ]

Everything's taken care of. Everything.

And the buffet?

To die.

- Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff.

- [ Sniffling, Crying ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a wake.

- So let's have fun with it, huh?

Everybody, have a great time.

- [ Organ Stops ]

[ Uptempo ]

[ Man On P.A. ]

Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home...

where many of the nation's

top comedians have gathered

to roast our guest of honour...

the late Harvey Pitnik!

Please welcome...

Rip Taylor!

- [ Singing Gibberish ]

- [ Applause ]

- Slappy White!

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

Jackie Vernon!

- Henny Youngman!

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

Charlie Callas!

And our roast master--

Mr Steve Allen!

[ People Gasping ]

[ Crescendoes, Stops ]

And here he is,

our man of the hour--

- [ Drum Roll ]

- Mr Harvey Pitnik!

- [ Sobbing ] There's Harvey!

- [''Funeral March'']

[Jokey Segue, Stops ]

- Thank you, ladies and mourners.

- [ Hammy Laughter ]

That's all right, Harvey.

Don't get up.

- [ Laughter Continues ]

- [ Loud Sob ]

Anyway, be that as it may--

and I doubt if it was--

tonight we are here to pay tribute

to a close, personal friend...

Harvey Pupik-- I'm sorry.

Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.

Harvey was a man, my friends,

who was the same in life...

- as he is in death-- a stiff!

- [ Mourners Laughing ]

But all seriousness aside,

we are going to lay two things to rest--

Harvey Pitnik and the rumour

that Charlie Callas is funny.

- [ Laughter ]

- Ladies and gentlemen, a very

funny man, Charlie Callas.

- [Jazzy ]

- [ Applause ]

Thank you.

Thank you.

- [ Ends ]

- Thank you. Harvey, keep it down!

- [ Nonsense Noises ]

- [ Laughter ]

Today, ladies and gentlemen,

we're here to pay homage

to the late Harvey Potemkin--

- Peshtabil-- Poshbulv-- whatever.

- [ Chuckling ]

- Who cares? Does it matter now?

- [ Allen ] No, no.

And if Harvey were alive today,

he'd be a very sick man. [ Giggles ]

- [ Imitates Taxicab Horn ]

- [ Laughter ]

[Jazzy ]

We had-- I'm sorry

to make this announcement.

We had two disappointments tonight--

Milton Berle could not make it

and Rip Taylor could. [ Laughs ]

- Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor.

- All right.

- [ Fast ]

- [ Applause ]

- [ Applause Continues ]

- [ Ends ]

- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

- [ Applause Fades ]

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Steve.

Charlie said, ''Harvey, keep it down.''

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