Amazon Women on the Moon Page #5

Synopsis: A series of short sketches, most of which parody late-night television and the low-budget movies one often finds there. Other skits include a man being attacked by his apartment, a funeral hosted by classic comedians, and a teen-age boy's big night turning into a nightmare.
Genre: Comedy, Sci-Fi
Production: MCA Universal Home Video
 
IMDB:
6.2
Rotten Tomatoes:
59%
R
Year:
1987
85 min
$548,696
346 Views


Thank you.

- Oh, well, there goes that act.

- [ Laughing ]

The president couldn't be here,

Harvey, so he sent a wire.

- [ Cackles ]

- [ Laughter ]

Tell 'em. It's a--

Never mind.

What's this, an audience or a funeral?

Now, pay attention, please.

But I'm a little nervous because

Harvey was a personal friend of mine...

and there's not a person in this room

that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.

I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks

and Steve for 20. [ Cackles ]

Folks, I don't dance.

This is it, you see.

[ Laughing ]

But I do feel for his widow, Bernice.

That was a romantic marriage.

She learned everything about sex

from a manual.

Emanuel was their gardener.

[ Cackles ]

- [ Crowd Laughing ]

- [ Laughing ] I'm sorry.

I better wrap it up now, folks.

'Cause you know the old axiom

in show business-- ''get off quick.''

Like Harvey

on his wedding night.

- Could you die? I gotta go.

Goodbye. Thank you so much.

- [ Fanfare ]

Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled

to be here tonight to pay tribute...

to the late Harvey Pitnik.

But enough about Harvey.

[ Mourners, Panellists Laughing ]

- Take my wife. Please.

- [ Continue Laughing ]

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They're worth it.

Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?

They want to.

[ Laughter, Scattered Applause ]

And that's what

I think of you, Harvey.

- [ Laughter, Applause ]

- [Jazzy Fanfare ]

-Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip

down memory lane. And now--

-[ Laughing ]

- [ Rimshot ]

- [ Laughing ]

But seriously. Henny, you were

never funnier... and it's a shame.

- [Jazzy Fanfare ]

- [ White ] But I was asked to say

a couple of words about Harvey.

How about ''ugly'' and ''cheap''?

Harvey wrote his will

on his cock...

and his lawyer said it would

not stand up in court.

- [ Laughter, Pounding On Table ]

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

- Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on.

- What?

- You're on.

- Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't--

- You're the widow. You've got

to give Harvey's rebuttal.

- No, no, I can't go up there.

- I can't do this.

- But in conclusion, I'd like to

say, congratulations, Harvey.

Rigor mortis is the closest

you ever come to a hard-on in 1 5 years.

- I thank you.

- [ Applause, Whistling ]

[ Band Imitating Laughter ]

Harvey himself is gonna

throw in his two cents...

as soon as we take 'em

off his eyelids.

[ Laughing ]

I don't get it. I don't get it.

And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our

guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice.

And nothing's changed, Harvey.

She's still gonna be doing all the talking.

[ Laughs ]

Bernice Pitnik!

- [ Applause ]

- [Jazz ]

[ Continues ]

- Lovely woman.

- [ Ends ]

- [ Sighs ]

- [ Applause Fades ]

Thank you, Merv--

I mean, Steve.

- That's quite all right.

- [ Clears Throat, Swallows ]

Now, well, I would like

to inject a serious note...

as, uh, Henny Youngman

did earlier.

[ Scattered Laughter ]

I want to say to...

Harvey, my late husband...

as I look down at you...

lying there motionless...

I can only think

of one thing--

- our wedding night.

- [ Laughter ]

- [ Sighs ]

- [ Laughter Continues, Fades ]

[ Chuckles ]

I'll never forget my--

my last moments with...

Harvey...

- [ Laughter ]

- as I-- as I took him into my arms...

and I whispered those

three little words:

- ''Sign the will.''

- [ Rimshot ]

- [ Laughter ]

- [ Laughs ]

- [ Laughing ] Great.

- But seriously...

I'm glad to see

Slappy White here today.

Now at least I know

my hubcaps are safe.

[ Laughs ]

And Rip Taylor,

is that a toupee...

or did a beaver curl up

and die on your head?

- [ Laughing ]

- [Jazz ]

As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm

not so sure we're burying the right guy.

- [ Laughter, Applause ]

- [ Ends ]

- [ Piano, Slow ]

- [ Announcer ] At last...

the greatest album

of love songs ever recorded.

You'll want to share them

with someone special.

Why do birds suddenly appear

Sung by the man who turned a personal

affliction into a recording career...

Don ''No Soul''Simmons.

Just like me

They long to be

Close to you

- Why do stars

- [ Band Begins ]

Fall down from the sky

Every time

You walk by

Just like me

They long to be

Close to you

- She'd been sitting there

-[ Announcer ] So curl up by the fireside...

and listen to the non-threatening music

of this master showman.

[ Simmons ]

And, honey, I miss you

And I'm being good

And I'd love to be with you

If only I could

Say, has anybody seen

My sweet Gypsy Rose

Here's her picture

when she was

- My sweet Mary Jo

- [ Announcer ] Young lovers of any age...

will cherish

this timeless collection...

of the world's

most romantic ballads.

And if you act now,

you'll get free...

this bonus album.:

Don Simmons Down & Funky.

[ Electric Keyboard ]

- [ Band Begins ]

- Jeremiah was a bullfrog

He was a good friend of mine

I never understood

a single word he said

[ Announcer ] This two-record collection

is not available in any stores...

so order now.

[ Simmons ] Yes, he always had

some mighty fine wine

By thunder!

She's a lovely sight, lads!

- [ Men Chatter, Laugh ]

- And you can bet your miserable lives...

the cargo hold is filled

with precious booty.

- Let's take her, Cap'n.

- Aye. Are you game, lads?

[ Men, Together ]

Aye!

Video pirates! Man the guns

and prepare to defend borders.

Fire!

Cutlasses,

me hearties!

Give them a bellyful

of steel.

Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest

home videos. In Beta and VHS!

Aye! Some so current,

they're still in theatrical release.

- Help yourself, mates.

A chest full of video discs.

- No!

- What good are they?

- Can't record on 'em.

They're not compatible

with my system.

Captain! This one's locked.

Stand back.

- [ Gunshot ]

- [ Man ] Open 'er up.

Gather around, me buckoes,

and feast your eyes on this.

- [ Men Gasp ]

- Make all the illegal copies you want.

- Put it on.

- Aye, aye, Captain.

- [ Case Snaps Open ]

- [ Tape Loads In VCR ]

[ Shuddering ]

Ohhh, I'm so scared.

[ All Laughing ]

[ Laughing Fades ]

[ Knocking ]

- I said I don't want to be disturbed.

- Griffin, it's me, Trent.

Trent, I've been

waiting for you.

Come in.

Ah, Griffin. I came as soon

as I received your cable.

Good God, man,

what happened?

I've done it, Trent.

At long last, I've done it.

I finally duplicated my father's

formula for invisibility...

after five years of injecting myself

with every chemical known to man.

But Griffin, the invisibility formula

turned your father into a raving lunatic.

That's where I've topped

the old man.

I've been on the stuff

for over a week now...

and I'm still perfectly sane.

[ Laughs ]

Yes. I'll rule the world

with my secret.

Yes. And I'll need you, Trent.

I must have a visible partner.

[ Laughs ]

I can tell by your stunned expression

that you're pretty impressed.

[ Chuckles ]

Ah?

[ Gasps ] Ooh.

[ Chuckles ]

- [ False Nose Hitting Desk ]

- Look, Ma...

no hands.

[ Chuckles ]

I haven't come up with a reagent

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Michael Barrie

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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