Amazon Women on the Moon Page #5
- R
- Year:
- 1987
- 85 min
- $548,696
- 346 Views
Thank you.
- Oh, well, there goes that act.
- [ Laughing ]
The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.
- [ Cackles ]
- [ Laughter ]
Tell 'em. It's a--
Never mind.
What's this, an audience or a funeral?
Now, pay attention, please.
But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine...
and there's not a person in this room
that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.
I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks
Folks, I don't dance.
This is it, you see.
[ Laughing ]
But I do feel for his widow, Bernice.
That was a romantic marriage.
She learned everything about sex
from a manual.
Emanuel was their gardener.
[ Cackles ]
- [ Laughing ] I'm sorry.
I better wrap it up now, folks.
'Cause you know the old axiom
in show business-- ''get off quick.''
Like Harvey
on his wedding night.
Goodbye. Thank you so much.
- [ Fanfare ]
Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled
to be here tonight to pay tribute...
to the late Harvey Pitnik.
[ Mourners, Panellists Laughing ]
- Take my wife. Please.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?
They want to.
[ Laughter, Scattered Applause ]
And that's what
I think of you, Harvey.
- [ Laughter, Applause ]
- [Jazzy Fanfare ]
-Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip
down memory lane. And now--
-[ Laughing ]
- [ Rimshot ]
- [ Laughing ]
But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.
- [Jazzy Fanfare ]
- [ White ] But I was asked to say
a couple of words about Harvey.
How about ''ugly'' and ''cheap''?
Harvey wrote his will
on his cock...
and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.
- [ Laughter, Pounding On Table ]
- Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on.
- What?
- You're on.
- Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't--
- You're the widow. You've got
to give Harvey's rebuttal.
- No, no, I can't go up there.
- I can't do this.
- But in conclusion, I'd like to
say, congratulations, Harvey.
Rigor mortis is the closest
you ever come to a hard-on in 1 5 years.
- I thank you.
- [ Applause, Whistling ]
Harvey himself is gonna
throw in his two cents...
as soon as we take 'em
off his eyelids.
[ Laughing ]
I don't get it. I don't get it.
And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice.
And nothing's changed, Harvey.
She's still gonna be doing all the talking.
[ Laughs ]
Bernice Pitnik!
- [ Applause ]
- [Jazz ]
[ Continues ]
- Lovely woman.
- [ Ends ]
- [ Sighs ]
Thank you, Merv--
I mean, Steve.
- That's quite all right.
Now, well, I would like
as, uh, Henny Youngman
did earlier.
I want to say to...
Harvey, my late husband...
as I look down at you...
lying there motionless...
I can only think
of one thing--
- our wedding night.
- [ Laughter ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Laughter Continues, Fades ]
[ Chuckles ]
my last moments with...
Harvey...
- [ Laughter ]
- as I-- as I took him into my arms...
and I whispered those
three little words:
- ''Sign the will.''
- [ Rimshot ]
- [ Laughter ]
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughing ] Great.
- But seriously...
I'm glad to see
Slappy White here today.
Now at least I know
my hubcaps are safe.
[ Laughs ]
And Rip Taylor,
is that a toupee...
or did a beaver curl up
and die on your head?
- [ Laughing ]
- [Jazz ]
As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.
- [ Laughter, Applause ]
- [ Ends ]
- [ Piano, Slow ]
- [ Announcer ] At last...
the greatest album
of love songs ever recorded.
You'll want to share them
with someone special.
Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career...
Don ''No Soul''Simmons.
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you
- Why do stars
- [ Band Begins ]
Fall down from the sky
Every time
You walk by
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you
- She'd been sitting there
-[ Announcer ] So curl up by the fireside...
and listen to the non-threatening music
of this master showman.
[ Simmons ]
And, honey, I miss you
And I'm being good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could
Say, has anybody seen
Here's her picture
when she was
- My sweet Mary Jo
- [ Announcer ] Young lovers of any age...
will cherish
this timeless collection...
of the world's
most romantic ballads.
And if you act now,
you'll get free...
this bonus album.:
Don Simmons Down & Funky.
- [ Band Begins ]
- Jeremiah was a bullfrog
He was a good friend of mine
I never understood
a single word he said
[ Announcer ] This two-record collection
is not available in any stores...
so order now.
[ Simmons ] Yes, he always had
some mighty fine wine
By thunder!
She's a lovely sight, lads!
- [ Men Chatter, Laugh ]
- And you can bet your miserable lives...
the cargo hold is filled
with precious booty.
- Let's take her, Cap'n.
- Aye. Are you game, lads?
[ Men, Together ]
Aye!
Video pirates! Man the guns
and prepare to defend borders.
Fire!
Cutlasses,
me hearties!
Give them a bellyful
of steel.
Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest
home videos. In Beta and VHS!
Aye! Some so current,
they're still in theatrical release.
- Help yourself, mates.
- No!
- What good are they?
- Can't record on 'em.
They're not compatible
with my system.
Captain! This one's locked.
Stand back.
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Man ] Open 'er up.
Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.
- [ Men Gasp ]
- Make all the illegal copies you want.
- Put it on.
- Aye, aye, Captain.
- [ Case Snaps Open ]
[ Shuddering ]
Ohhh, I'm so scared.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Knocking ]
- I said I don't want to be disturbed.
- Griffin, it's me, Trent.
Trent, I've been
waiting for you.
Come in.
Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.
Good God, man,
what happened?
I've done it, Trent.
At long last, I've done it.
I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...
after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.
But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.
That's where I've topped
the old man.
I've been on the stuff
for over a week now...
[ Laughs ]
Yes. I'll rule the world
with my secret.
Yes. And I'll need you, Trent.
I must have a visible partner.
[ Laughs ]
I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.
[ Chuckles ]
Ah?
[ Gasps ] Ooh.
[ Chuckles ]
- Look, Ma...
no hands.
[ Chuckles ]
I haven't come up with a reagent
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"Amazon Women on the Moon" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/amazon_women_on_the_moon_2643>.
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