American High School Page #5

Yes!

Oh my God,

you guys are adorable.

Oh, let me join this beautiful circle

you guys have going on here.

Please do.

- We're missing you, man.

- Gwen?

Come here. I am so so glad

we talked today.

I mean, you have so many things

going through your head...

...and I've been really

worried about you.

- Oh.

- Really?

Just lay your head down.

And I love the family...

...and that's the biggest thing, man.

God. What if me and Gwen

got married too?

- We could be like a big family.

- That would be awesome.

It would be amazing.

You are adorable, by the way.

- I...

- Thank you!

- That's so hot that you just did that.

- Son-in-law.

I think about you a lot...

all the time, actually.

Look, we could get together,

take it slow...

...and maybe I could learn

to love you and sh*t.

I don't know. Just maybe

we should give it a try.

I think it's the best thing

possible for you.

'Cause it's all about family, right?

- It is.

- Yes!

- Absolutely.

- Absolutely.

God, you are just something else.

- Oh, so are you!

- Thank you.

We should let the girls talk...

- We should.

- ...Get to know each other.

Let's go do some drugs...

Dad!

Oh, son!

Let's do it.

Okay? This is gonna be great.

You're gonna love it.

- I'll miss you!

- I promise.

Don't go anywhere.

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna get you some drinks because

you look pretty rough right now.

- Okay?

- Oh, baby baby...

All right. And you... I'm gonna

think about you later.

You're just... You little vixen you.

You're the best.

You are the best. Ow!

I don't think so.

You answer to me, b*tch.

You like me like that?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Harder harder. Oh.

You are great. Yes.

- Come on, boy.

- It's like f***ing a meat cave.

Harder, baby. Harder.

- Yes, there you go.

- Oh, sh*t.

By the way, I'm pregnant.

F*** it, it's not my kid.

Mmm! Mmm!

Hello?

If I stomp my foot

and snap my fingers...

...it means come with!

Hello?

Jonny, I am not a lamp post...

I am a girl. Okay?

Well, I don't care if

you're a f***ing desk.

All right? If I snap my fingers,

that specifically means...

...come with me, because I am the man

and I'm awesome.

Snap fingers, come with...

let's go.

I am sick of your...

"Oh, I'm Jonny Awesome.

I'm so sweet! I wear tank tops

and work out...

...and get a pedicure every

Monday, Wednesday and Friday. "

I hope you go prematurely bald!

Ha!

That Rogaine is not mine!

Oh, fine then!

Go!

Just leave.

Go! Go!

Stupid, lying, stupid!

Messed up again and stupid.

Oh, God!

Ahhh, no!

You guys are still here.

Gwen:

What an idiot.

- I'm gonna go.

- Bye.

So let's recap:

I'm the youngest

divorcee in history;

I'm failing history class;

I'm an unpopular whore who

ruined the senior trip...

...and got Principal Mann fired;

I might be pregnant; some chick from

my school just became my mom;

...and my ex is taking

the anti-Christ to prom.

Don't think you're gonna see

my vajayjay.

Should I hang myself?

"Definitely yes. "

You had to add the "definitely. "

Kip:
Yeah, things just aren't the same

since my loser daughter showed up...

...marital problem. I don't even know

why people get married.

I mean, my God.

I mean, what do you need

to get married for?

It's all about fornication.

Who needs a piece

of paper for that?

I gotta get out of the house, Apple.

You gotta help me out here.

Meet me tomorrow

in the dumpsters.

Let's get trashy.

Thanks, Dad.

I think I actually have a plan.

Principal Mann?

- Who are you?

- It's me, Gwen Adams.

What do you want?

I think I can help you

get your school back...

...if you'll help me graduate.

What's your plan?

Meet me by

the dumpsters tomorrow.

And bring Mr. Seuss.

Me and Seuss will meet you

by the dumpsters tomorrow.

Kip:

Who's your friend?

Tiffany.

Well, I have one rule:

...no fat chicks.

Are you not convinced yet?

Maybe they're looking for something.

Oh, I love it when

you're trashy! Ha ha!

Yeah, he's looking for something:

her vajayjay.

Your name may be Apple but

I want to see those melons.

This is the perfect opportunity

to get some dirt on her.

You'll get your life back and

I'm gonna reclaim my school.

This is what we're gonna do:

We're gonna tape them

and once we have the evidence...

...we're gonna watch them

squirm like worms.

I still love her.

- Mmmmm!

- Yeah.

I gotta get a better screening

process for my teachers.

Come to Papa!

Oh, baby!

Please explode and kill me.

I don't like coffee;

she likes coffee.

She likes a lot of other things.

- Hey, Mr. Seuss.

- Hey, Candi.

I need you to

sign these for me.

Sure sure.

What am I signing?

Well, they're divorce papers

from Miss Apple.

She doesn't even have the guts

to divorce me in person?

- She sends her little pet fembot!

- I'm a teacher.

We had a love story

right out of Shakespeare.

You tell her that I will not

give her a divorce.

we're gonna have a honeymoon in hell.

Right. Of course.

- I'll be back.

- Okay.

You have a great day.

It was so good seeing you. Bye.

See ya.

Seuss, Seuss,

why the long face, buddy?

- You're not even faculty!

- Look. Look.

I have a little gift from

your soon-to-be-ex wife.

- Oh, I can guess what this is!

- Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, we wash our

vegetables in there.

You know, I also don't appreciate

your little parking-lot performance...

- A few minutes ago.

- Oh, you saw that?

Everybody saw that. My principal

saw that. I'm not gonna get tenure.

Did your wife use to be a gymnast?

I mean, she's flexible.

You don't even go here.

You know...

Seuss, Seuss, Seuss, Seuss,

this is a good thing.

Do you know what?

It's man's nature to be free.

You're now set free. The whole

horizon is out there for you.

Making love to my wife

on a pile of trash!

Aren't women impossible?

Don't worry, buddy. You're gonna

feel better. I promise you.

Hang in there.

Now if you want to keep talking...

...you can find me.

Just follow the essence...

- I'll find you. I'll find you.

- ...Of your wife's vagina.

Put your severed head on...

Hilary:
And I decided we

are having a bikini prom!

All right. Whoo!

- Are you ready?

- Yeah. Let's do it.

Okay.

Get your dad's cell phone and text

Miss Apple. Here is her number.

- Consider it done.

- And Gwen?

This better work.

Dad?

- Dad?

- Wait your turn.

- Dad!

- Okay.

- Gwen? What do you want?

- Girl:
Ew.

I just need to

borrow the phone.

Oh. What, are you calling

the courthouse for divorce papers?

- No.

- Then I don't think I can help you.

- Dad, it's...

- Girl:
Bye bye.

Look, if you need it that bad, it's in

my pants. I kinda got my hands full.

Jonny:

... Coach. Thank you so much.

Jonny:

Coach, everybody! Yeah! Whoo!

- He's sexy. Isn't he sexy?

- Matt:
He is.

Jonny:
Man, I would f***... Okay.

So anyway...

...let's move the... Oh, Kip Dick!

- Kip Dick! Whoo!

- Kip Dick!

Yo, Awesome,

you are the man!

No, Kip, you the man.

I tell you, Awesome, you ever thought

about being my son?

- You should marry my daughter.

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