American Splendor Page #4

l'm sorry if my dating skills are a little rusty.

lt's Just that l've been through hell and back

with women.

That last one turned out

to be a real nasty b*tch.

-l had a nice time with you, too.

-Yeah?

You had a nice time?

Don't make people repeat themselves.

That's annoying.

Sorry.

Come here.

Which way is the bathroom?

Through the kitchen, on the right.

joyce, what's wrong? What is it?

l don't know.

l think that yuppie food did me in.

l feel terrible.

Let me at least do something for you.

Can l make you something?

-How about some chamomile tea?

-Chamomile tea?

What's a guy like you doing with that?

l thought you drank soda pop for breakfast.

l Just noticed you drank a lot of it

when we started talking on the phone.

The girl at the food co-op...

she picked me out all kinds

of this herbal stuff.

One of these is good

for stomach aches. Here.

Grandma Bear's Tummy Mint or something,

l think.

Hey, are you still there?

l think we should skip the whole

courtship thing and Just get married.

Man, am l glad

l talked you into coming up here.

You know, any more time alone,

l really might have lost it.

Me, too.

You don't have any problems

with moving to Cleveland?

Not really.

l find most American cities

to be depressing in the same way.

And you're okay with the vasectomy thing?

Hey, Toby.

No, you can't have

any of my White Castle hamburger...

so please don't even ask.

-Yeah? Can l have a fry?

-Okay, but Just a couple, Harvey.

l'm not going to be eating dinner

until very late...

and this has got to hold me over.

What have you got, a church function?

No, l'm driving to Toledo to see a movie.

Would you like to come?

No, l gotta go to Delaware tonight.

l'm getting married.

-Why Delaware?

-The chick l'm marrying is from Wilmington.

Plus, l got to help her

move her stuff back here.

Why are you driving to Toledo

to see a movie?

lt's not playing at the Mapletown.

-l didn't know you had a girlfriend.

-Yeah, we met last week.

What movie could possibly be worth

driving 260 miles roundtrip for?

lt's a new film called Revenge of the Nerds.

lt's about a group of nerd college students...

who are being picked on

all the time by the Jocks.

So they decide to take revenge.

So what you're saying is

you identify with those nerds?

Yes, l consider myself a nerd...

and this movie has uplifted me.

There's this one scene where a nerd

grabs the microphone during a pep rally...

and announces that he is a nerd

and that he is proud of it...

and stands up for the rights of other nerds.

-Right on.

-Then he asks all the kids at the pep rally...

who think they are nerds, to come forward.

So nearly everyone in the place does.

That's the way the movie ends.

-So the nerds won?

-Yes.

All right.

You know, you got this movie,

and l'm getting hitched.

-We both had a good month.

-Right.

-Harvey? Wait!

-Yeah?

How long will you be in Delaware?

Because l'd like to see this movie with you.

l don't know. l'm gonna be gone a week.

But then, l'm gonna have a wife.

So l'm going to have to bring her along, too.

ls it a girl flick?

Depends on the girl.

What kind of girl is your new bride?

ls she a nerd?

l don't know, man.

Maybe, yeah. She's into herbal tea.

I did end up becoming a character

in his comics.

Harvey tends to push

the negative or the sour.

And he can be very depressed,

and therefore very depressing.

Harvey, do you think

you portray joyce fairly?

Yeah, l think l portray her fairly.

There's some things that she does

that l don't put in there...

for obvious reasons.

l don't wanna get my head cut off.

l think my portrayal is generally

fairly accurate.

There've been stories

that l've participated in...

or things that have happened,

and l've seen them...

as a lot more happy things going on

in there. He Just doesn't put that in...

because he Just doesn't think

that sunshine and flowers sell.

ls that right?

You always say, ''Misery loves company.''

You know, l'm Just a gloomy guy, that's all.

lt's my perspective: gloom and doom.

And see, l thought l was marrying somebody

with a sense of humor.

l guess l fooled you.

What a crock of sh*t, man.

-That's not the point.

-You missed the whole point of the movie.

-That's not the point.

-You missed the whole point of the movie.

Where the hell am l supposed to find

the point in garbage?

l agree with Toby.

l think it's a story of hope and tolerance.

Yes, it's about time that the people

who get picked on get to be the heroes.

lt's an entertaining flick and all,

and l can see why you like it, Toby.

But those people on the screen

ain't even supposed to be you.

They're college students...

who live with their parents

in big houses in the suburbs.

They're gonna get degrees, get good Jobs,

and they're gonna stop being nerds.

Remember what l told you

about loud talking? Use your inside voice.

Look, Toby, the guys in that movie...

are not 28-year-old file clerks

who live with their grandmother...

-in an ethnic ghetto.

-That's enough.

They didn't get their computers

the way you did...

by trading in a bunch of box tops

and $49.50 at the supermarket.

You're funny, Harvey.

l'm getting in the front.

Sure, Toby, fine.

You go to the movies and daydream...

but this Revenge of the Nerds ain't reality.

lt's Hollywood bullshit.

Harvey, let him alone.

The thing that l loved about it is

l was transported to another time in my life.

-l like when they took the video cameras--

-lf everyone could see it....

lt's the same as the ''l Have a Dream''

speech.

lt's very empowering.

Maybe I was being so harsh on Toby

on account of my own problems.

You see, I wasn't even married a month...

and my old lady

was already showing signs of trouble.

Granted, I tend to get married fast,

'cause I'll take any woman that'll have me.

But this time I really met my match.

How about these old 78s? Can't you

sell them to one of your collectors?

Are you kidding me, man? No way.

l ain't getting rid of my 78s.

Forget it, then. l give up.

How can l make more storage space

if you won't get rid of anything?

You know what? l'll get rid of stuff.

-just not my good stuff.

-Everything is your good stuff.

How am l supposed to live here

if there's no room for me?

Come on, baby.

l'll make room for you, okay?

You Just have to give me time.

l'm not so good at these things.

-Because you're obsessive-compulsive.

-Come on!

l don't wanna hear that psycho-babble crap.

l don't care if you don't wanna hear it.

You are the poster child for the DSM III.

l'll have you know

l come from a very dysfunctional family.

l can spot a personality disorder miles away.

Hello, joyce.

ls Harvey home?

Borderline autistic.

Are you listening to me?

l tell you, that Toby is a spy.

Paranoid personality disorder.

Polymorphously perverse.

Hey, leave a message.

This is me. pick up the phone.

You're not going to believe this...

but some LA producer called

and wants to do a play about my life.

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